


Let Me Fail At All Things

by Shadow_Wolfe99



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Marauders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 56,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28091907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Wolfe99/pseuds/Shadow_Wolfe99
Summary: In their 6th year, Remus and Sirius have still not made up with each other.Moony dates a Ravenclaw and Padfoot is spiralling out of control. James, having grown up over the summer, with good reason, struggles to help his best friend despite wanting to do nothing else. Lily, seeing the change in him, starts to realize he's not quite what she thought.To bring Padfoot back from the brink, Remus has to fast track his own emotions and become one of two Sirius Watchers.CW: Angst, underage drinking and mental health spirals
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 48
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Can't find canon confirmation over when the Prank happened so for the sake of this fic, it happened at the end of their 5th year. Also, please ignore any canonic timeline errors. I'm trying to stick to it as best as I can

# Chapter 1

## Sirius

James all but draggd him off the train and threw him onto the thestral drawn carriages. 

"Get your shit together, Pads," he whispered. "Dealing with your issues with firewhiskey was one thing over the summer, but now you've got school to think about instead. Promise me you'll sort this out before my parents get sent an owl."

"You wanna make me a liar too?" Sirius asked, only half whispering. "I mean, you could, but that seems a little unfair."

James groaned and held his head in his hands as the carriage jerked into motion. Sirius flopped against the side, grinning at the slightly freaked out third years that had ended up joining them. Sirius knew he should have cared. He knew that James hadn't been obligated to take him in after the spat with his parents and definitely hadn't needed to babysit his drunk arse all summer, but the firewhiskey took care of the emotions he couldn't handle. Let him stew in a fuzzy nothingness that didn't hurt. He must have drifted off at some point because the next thing he knew, James was shaking him and leading him towards the school. The air was cold against his face but he didn't mind all that much.

Before they entered the Great Hall, James pulled Sirius to the side and watched with vague concern as Minnie walked towards them. Their head of house studied Sirius for all of thirty seconds before looking pointedly at James.

"He's had a rough summer, Professor," Prongs said quickly. "Do you mind if he skips the feast and goes straight to bed?"

"Mr Potter I think that will be best for everyone," Minnie replied, "And do ensure he arrives on time to lessons tomorrow. Preferably without the intoxication he currently has."

"I can still speak, Minnie. I'm only a little-" Sirius's protest was cut off by James clapping a hand over his mouth. 

Minnie raised her eyebrows before telling James the new password and letting them go. 

Up in the dorm, Sirius flopped down onto his bed and felt himself start drifting off. James, apparently, had other ideas. He grabbed Sirius by the front of his robes and forced him to sit up. 

"Are you, and I mean this in all seriousness, planning on destroying your entire life?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I mean, there's not really a lot left to destroy. I might as well complete the set."

James let go and Sirius fell back immediately.

"I can't babysit you all year, mate. Though, honestly, even if I could I wouldn't. You fucked up last year with Moony. I get that and it hurts. Then your parents acted like worse versions of themselves which I can't even begin to imagine, but really, Pads. This isn't like you. This version of yourself... it's quite possibly more pathetic than all the years I spent trying to get Lily's attention. Spend tonight working out if you want to get a hold of yourself, otherwise, I'm done being anything but your brother."

James left almost immediately after his speech. 

* * *

## Remus

The sorting happened without much drama. Not that he particually cared. Peter was quietly going on about his summer but Remus could quite literally say that he'd heard nothing other than Paris and cheese. Lily squeezed his hand gently, a slight crease between her eyebrows. She had noticed his distraction. 

"I didn't see either of them on the train," she said quietly, leaning in so no one else heard. "They're not at the table either."

Remus, not so subtly, scanned the Gryffindor table. She was right, as per usual. Neither Prongs nor Sirius were with them or anywhere amongst the red and gold students. A lump formed in his throat. Had something happened to them? They were after all, illegal animagi. Had they been found out? The feast began but Remus didn't bother putting anything on his plate. He was too distracted to eat anyway. 

"I saw McGonagle talking to them before they came inside," Frank Longbottom said. "No idea what it was about but she didn't look too impressed."

Remus looked up at the seventh year in surprise. 

Frank smiled. "The four of you go everywhere together and you look rather lost. They likely just pulled some kind of prank and got detention already. I wouldn't worry too much."

Remus tried to smile back but he doubted it looked believable. Nobody outside the marauders, Lily and Snape knew about what had happened at the end last year. Couldn't know either. But after that stupid full moon, he hadn't spoken to Sirius unless absolutely necessary and the marauders were barely a thing anymore. In his distraction, Remus barely noticed someone sitting between him and Wormtail. That was, until he caught the stench of Firewhiskey. Remus turned his head.

"James, did you come to school drunk?" he hissed, leaning towards his friend so not to be heard.

Prongs filled a goblet with pumpkin juice. "No."

Remus didn't say anything for a moment before looking around the table. Sirius hadn't joined them. 

"Did he?"

There was no need for either of them to say the name to know exactly who was being discussed. James looked at him over his goblet.

"Well he's not here is he."

James piled food onto his plate and greeted Wormtail softly. Never before had he been so quiet. Lily poked Remus in the side and looked at him quizically. He shrugged and slowly started eating, though his appetite still didn't exist. Sirius was an idiot but to start the school year off by showing up drunk... it was next level stupid. 

The three marauders left the Great Hall together but instead of heading towards the common room, James made a beeline for the courtyard. Once outside, Prongs sat on a bench and scrubbed his face.

Somehow over the space of a couple months, James Potter had aged dramatically. Remus sat down beside him and Peter the other side. 

"What's going on?" Peter asked. "Where's Sirius?"

"Hopefully sleeping it off," James mumbled into his hands.

"Why didn't you join us on the train?" Remus asked quietly.

James looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Take one guess, Moony. Though, there are at least two reasons."

"The second being the Firewhiskey?"

"Precisely."

"Why did he think-?"

"Because he didn't bloody think. I don't even know where he got it from. I could have sworn Mum took all of it away."

Remus recoiled from that titbit of information. Why was Sirius at the Potter's? How long had he been there? He and Peter shared a confused look which James caught immediately. He shrugged.

"He lives with me now. Refused to let me send an owl out to either of you about it. Then he proceeded to get drunk and stay that way the entire summer, or what was left of it at least. He never told me what happened with his parents. Got too drunk to stay on one conversation that long anyway. I'm done babysitting him now. He's on his own."

Remus felt his stomach drop. Sirius had a great defence strategy of shoving everyone who cared away from him. Always had. Clearly he'd done the same thing to James now too.

_'He doesn't really want you to leave him alone'_ Remus thought, but couldn't bring himself to say. He was still too betrayed to even contemplate forgiving Sirus.


	2. Chapter 2

# Chapter 2

## Sirius

He was the last one out of the dorm and none of his roommates bothered to wait for him. Guaranteed that they thought he wasn't going to show up for lessons anyway. It's not that he wanted to go anyway but he didn't want to cause the Potter's anymore bother than he already had. He arrived at McGonagle's transfiguration classroom and was greeted by a familiar cat at the door. The other students hurried in but he stood, opposite the cat, until he was the only one left outside. McGonagle transformed back to human form and quietly shut the rest of the class inside. Sirius dropped his gaze to the floor. Disappointing Minnie wasn't exactly a fun experience at the best of times.

"Mr Black, may I enquire as to your sobriety levels?" she asked.

"Professor, you could slip me veritaserum and confirm that I haven't had a single drop of since yesterday morning. Any residual effects are from over a month of constant intoxication," he replied. "The only thing I'm currently sporting is a huge headache."

"Very well. Do try to pay attention."

She walked into the classroom and he followed behind silently, very surprised he hadn't been given a detention or any kind of house point deduction. 

He took his seat beside Evans and stared at the blackboard. It took her less than a minute to elbow him in the ribs. 

"What's wrong with you?" she demanded.

"Nothing more than usual," he replied, pointedly not looking in her direction.

"You weren't at the feast last night."

"Wasn't feeling well. Went to bed. Shouldn't you be paying attention?"

Lily huffed and turned to face forward again. Sirius forced himself only to watch McGonagle and not look around the room. He wanted to look at Remus. To pine for what he had lost and for what he'd destroyed, but he knew that was a bad idea. It would have been a different story if he had lied about the alcohol. Lily didn't stay quiet for long.

"What's wrong with James?" she asked at a whisper.

"There's nothing wrong with James."

"Then why the hell is he so quiet? Not once at the feast or in the common room did he fawn over me or even acknowledge that I exist."

"Is that such a bad thing? Maybe he's just gotten over you, Evans. A guy can only wait so long."

Before Lily could ask anything else, a wand tapped on their desk. McGonagle had noticed them paying no attention.

"Might I remind you that this in fact a classroom," she stated. "Leave the discussions for hallways, common rooms and the Great Hall."

Sirius shifted in his seat while Evans apologized. She didn't speak for the rest of the lesson but she did continue to badger him through the use of parchment.

**Sirius, there's something wrong with him. Even this morning, he didn't say much. Remus was the one saying everything. That's not how you lot are**

_**Just maybe you should ask him yourself, Evans. Tell him I said he could** _

**Why would he need your permission?**

_**Just ask. I have a headache and you're supposed to be making notes. I'm done talking now** _

When the lesson finally ended, Sirius was one of the first to leave. He made his way to herbology alone. It was the only way not to cause a problem for James. Peter caught up to him before they reached the greenhouses and smiled at him like nothing had changed. Wasn't the case though and both of them knew it.

* * *

## Remus

James was trying to pretend he was fine but he was terrible at acting. He wasn't the cheery, rubber ball of a person anymore. Sirius had taken that out of him. Remus tried to ignore how much that pissed him off but couldn't quite keep it at bay. In herbology, he stood next to James and glared at his former boyfriend. Was it just the nature of Black's to destroy everything good? 

"You're being incredibly obvious you know," James said as he followed Professor Sprout's directions.

"I wasn't going for subtlety," Remus replied, also doing what he was supposed to be.

"Last night you seemed rather concerned about him. Now you're glaring? Your emotional switch is worse than a girl's."

"That is very sexist of you James. Besides, his breakdown is effecting you. He is so much like his family."

James dropped the pot he was holding and stared at him with utter fury in his eyes. "Sirius is nothing like them. He fucked up and they fucked him up further. Out of coutesy to you, I haven't said a word about what happened the night he showed up. He is not like them."

Without waiting for another word, James moved around the greenhouse to stand beside the other two marauders. He said something to Wormtail and the rat ran back to Remus. Sirius whispered something to James that the stag just wouldn't listen to. Remus's anger refused to let him concede that there was more to the story than he knew about. He didn't want to pity Sirius. Didn't want to let his actions go without punishment. He chanelled his rage into the work.

At lunch, Peter was the only one to join him at the table. James was further down with Lily, of all people, huddled in close. He had to wonder what the two of them had to talk about. Sirius, predictably, was nowhere to be seen. A tiny voice in the back of his mind questioned whether Sirius had eaten anything over the last twenty-four hours but he ignored it. They weren't together anymore. It was none of his concern whether the idiot ate or not. Leeanne Peters, a Ravenclaw, walked over and sat beside him, smiling widely.

"Hey Remus," She said, "Could you meet me in the library after school? I need help with my astronomy essay and I remembered how good you were at it last year."

Remus smiled back. "Sure, Leeanne. I'll see you there."

The Ravenclaw stood up and brushed her hand on his shoulder as she walked away. Remus stared at his food. Why had he agreed to that? The only reason his astronomy marks had been so good the year before was because of Sirius. Peter nudged him with a grin.

"She was pretty," he said, winking. "Maybe she can help you move on."

Remus rolled his eyes. It hadn't even occurred to him that dating someone else could help him.

* * *

## Sirius

He sat on the astronomy tower and stared at the sky. He had told James to talk to Lily, if only to shut her up. He no longer cared who knew he was a disowned Black. The only person that he would have told about that night hated his existence so people would find out he was without a family eventually anyway. The Potter's had taken him in but it wasn't home. They were lovely and it wasn't there fault, but he knew what he was to them. He was a charity case. He was the boy with a fucked up family who needed to be pitied.

A cat hopped up on the bench beside him but Sirius didn't even look at it. When it turned into his head of house, he still kept staring at the sky. There was nothing she could say to him that would make any of it better. If he got detention for arriving drunk, he would take it without any hesitation. He was an idiot anyway.

"Mr Black, where are your friends?" McGonagle asked.

"Professor, outside of James, I'm not entirely sure I have any anymore. Even James is questionable," Sirius replied, flinching internally. 

He was far too sober for this conversation.

"I'm sure you're aware that I know what happened to you over the summer. The Potter's sent an owl informing Professor Dumbledore that they were assuming responsibilty of you. Those events following such a reckless decision last year and I can only imagine how you are feeling. You are also far too young to know how it feels. I won't have the conversation with you about how alcohol is not the way to solve your problems because I'm sure you already know it. You cannot show up to any lesson under the influence, Mr Black, or you will likely be expelled."

Sirius nodded but continued to stare at the clouds. He couldn't think of anything to say. It was pointless anyhow. He was done making excuses.

"Sirius, I understand that friendship is hardly something that breaks easily. Perhaps an apology would go a long way."

"Professor, I apologized every way that I knew how to, last year. Remus didn't want to hear it and Peter is on Remus's side. James stands by me because for all intents and purposes, he's my brother. I caused him nothing but problems over the summer. I'm sure you've noticed that he's been far quieter this year already. It's my fault. I broke him the way I break everything else. I should be expelled, Professor, before I manage to break anything else."


	3. Chapter 3

# Chapter 3

## Sirius

McGonagle stood up and stepped into his line of sight, forcing him to look at her. Was this where she gave a pep talk? Or maybe it was detention for being insolent. His head of house sighed dramatically.

"Mr Black, you have done many ridiculous things." She said firmly. "You have earned far more detentions than you have house points and yet, here you are. You are a very bright young man with heaps of potential behind you. If friendship is not something you are currently capable of handling, perhaps you should focus on your education. Lunch is over. Please head to your next lesson and focus on it."

She marched down the astronomy tower and for a brief moment, Sirius wondered what it would be like to fly. 

In their DADA class, Sirius stunned the new professor with how well he could handle a boggart. The fact that the boggart became his parents caused many of his classmates to whisper amongst themselves but that had just been greater motivation to get rid of them. When his turn was over, he hung back as far away from the stupid creature and transcribed everything the professor said. He had no use for the notes, but he could give them to Peter. 

A similar situation occured in charms where Sirius proved that he had in fact been paying attention over the last five years. He conjured everything that Professor Flitwick asked him to without almost any difficulty. Despite the applause he recieved, or the proof that he was actually just a lazy student, he couldn't care less. It was meaningless to him. 

He had just left the classroom to head to the common room when Lily caught up with him, forced him to stop then hugged him tightly. He froze and held his arms awkwardly to the sides. Lily never hugged him. She rarely hugged anyone from what he'd seen. 

"I'm not letting go until you hug me back, Sirius," she said quietly. 

People stared as they walked past and Sirius reluctantly returned the strange gesture.

"What is this for?" he asked.

"Because I can't make up for what your parents did. This is the only way I know how to help."

Sirius rested his chin on her head and waited for her to release him. It was a nice idea, but it didn't help. It didn't change anything. 

Sirius changed his mind about going to bed. He went for a walk instead and ended up beside the lake. It was cold for September but he sat down and stared at the water regardless. He sat there, unblinking, until his eyes glazed over and his body went numb.

* * *

## Remus

He wanted not to care. He wanted to lay down and read, but James wouldn't sit still. As curfew approached and Sirius still hadn't shown up, Remus couldn't help but feel a knot in his stomach. Had Sirius gotten drunk again? Had he ended up in detention? Worse still, had he hurt himself? It was five minutes after ten pm when the idiot finally showed up. His nose was red from the cold and he looked almost ghostlike. He didn't seem to notice the entire room staring at him until James shoved him against the door.

"Where the hell have you been?" he yelled. "You vanished after charms then you didn't show up to dinner. You look like death, Sirius. What the fuck?"

"I was by the lake," Sirius replied in a rough voice, "I was fine. I'm still fine. Get off me and go to bed. We have school in the morning."

Black shoved James off him before stripping and climbing into bed, closing his curtains around him. It was something he never did. He hated being enclosed while he slept. Remus felt his stomach tighten. Sirius really wasn't okay. Remus settled in his bed and picked up his muggle book. He shouldn't care about Sirius bloody Black. It wasn't his problem whether the idiot was okay or not. They weren't even friends. Peter threw a chocolate bar in his direction.

"How was your date with Laura?" he asked.

"First of all, her name is Leeanne. Secondly, it wasn't a date," Remus replied. "She just wanted help with her homework."

"You sure that wasn't just an excuse? She is Ravenclaw after all."

James laughed distractedly. "Not all Ravenclaws are good at homework, Pete. Though, they do like company when they're doing it."

Remus looked up at James. He wasn't happy and his concentration was on Sirius's closed off bed. He sighed and threw the chocolate bar at his friend. When Prongs looked at him in confusion, he pointed at Sirius's bed. He didn't have to like Sirius to not want him dead. James slipped the chocolate through the curtains and barked an order to eat it. Sirius, in Padfoot form, flipped the chocolate back across the room towards him. Padfoot's eyes looked glassy and almost dead. A shiver ran through Remus. What had happened in the summer? He pulled his curtains closed and deliberated asking.

The next morning, Remus dragged James aside before they went into potions.

"What happened to him?" he demanded. "He showed up at yours over the summer. What happened?"

James's expression closed off and he crossed his arms. "It's not really any of your business, Moony. You're not friends with him. If you want to know so badly, ask him yourself because I will not tell you. I swear to Merlin that I won't."

"Does Peter know?"

"Unless he worked it out by himself, no."

James didn't wait for anymore questions and instead headed into the classroom. Remus frowned. The secrecy of it made him jump to the worst conclusions. They all knew what the Black family were like. If you didn't obey immediately, they punished you. Sirius had said he knew what the Cruciatus curse was from the age of five. He slipped into the potions classroom, just as Slughorn began to teach.

Remus was hunched over a table in the library, writing up the transfiguration essay McGonagle had set when someone sat down beside him. At first he didn't look up but then a hand was on his shoulder. Leeann was sat beside him with a brilliant smile on her face.

"Hey darling," she said. "Don't suppose you could help me with charms tonight could you?"

"Leeann, do you actually need help with your homework or are you looking for an excuse to talk to me?" Remus replied.

The Ravenclaw blushed profusely. "Well I mean... I do actually have charms homework. Yeah, I was just..."

Remus patted her hand. "The Hogsmeade trip is next week. How about we go together?"

"It's a date."

She flitted off and Remus stared after her. He didn't fully know why he had suggested it. He thought Leeann was pretty enough but... he wasn't remotely interested in her. 


	4. Chapter 4

# Chapter 4

## Sirius

He couldn't sleep. He'd turned into Padfoot to see if it would help but he was too cold. The curtains being closed around him didn't help. It brought him back to Grimmauld Place. His parents had locked him in the cellar numerous times as a child when he had misbehaved and it was too cramped in there to sleep or even move properly. Sirius couldn't stand it any longer. He turned himself back into human form and grabbed a new set of robes before disappearing into the bathroom to get dressed. He passed by Remus on his way out and paused. The werewolf wasn't sleeping well either. Sirius blamed it on the nearing full moon, though he somehow wasn't convinced that was the case. He quietly made his way down to the common room, sat down on the sofa and stared at the clock, waiting for the "acceptable" time to leave.

By the time everyone else showed up to potions, Sirius was already at his desk. He felt numb but utterly exhausted. He wasn't entirely sure he could make it through the double hour of the subject he loathed. Wasn't sure he wanted to try. To his mild surprise, Lily came to stand beside him and gave him a sad smile. He didn't smile back. She frowned.

"Sirius, did you sleep at all last night?" she asked.

He shrugged. "If you're worried I'll mess up your potion or something, you're welcome to trade places with anyone else."

"That is not what my concern is. When was the last time you got any proper sleep?"

"Lily, I learnt to function on minimal sleep a long time ago. Don't worry about me. Your boyfriend has that covered."

"James is not my boyfriend."

"I may have been drunk at his house but I saw the letters you two were sending each other. You should take him to Hogsmeade next week."

Professor Slughorn began babbling about how to make living death but Sirius blanked out thirty seconds in. By the end of the hour, Lily was probably the only reason he wasn't given detention or being the reason they lost points. She managed to produce two sets of "excellent" draughts of living death according to Slughorn. He couldn't work out why she was helping him out. He didn't deserve it and last time he checked, she was friends with Remus. Not him. 

"Why'd you do that?" he asked, pulling her to the side in the hallway.

"I wasn't going to let you lose us points, Black." Lily replied. "Besides, we both know you could have made the potion to the same standard if you tried."

"Did James put you up to this?"

"No. Actually he told me to leave you alone entirely. That doesn't seem very appropriate given the circumstances."

"Maybe you should listen to him. Given the circumstances, being alone is exactly what I deserve."

He didn't give her a chance to respond. Instead he stalked off towards the secret passage heading to honeydukes. School was not in the cards for him today and he really couldn't deal with James again. Not without a little assistance anyway. He momentarily remembered Professor McGonagle's warning but it wasn't a good enough reason to behave. He was a disappointment after all.

It took a large amount of galleons to bribe his way into getting the firewhiskey. It was enough to last him a while, assuming he wasn't pressed about his parents. If that happened then all bets were off the table. He walked along drinking one bottle as he took the long way back to Hogwarts grounds. 

* * *

## Remus

"The whereabouts of Mr Black?" Professor Hucksbin, the DADA teacher, asked.

"I'm sorry, Sir, I don't know. He and I aren't exactly on talking terms anymore," Remus replied, feeling his cheeks blaze.

"You then, Mr Potter?"

"He's not been very well these last few days, Sir. He's likely gone back to bed," James replied.

Hucksbin withdrew ten points from Gryffindor before begining on cursed objects. Remus glanced at James sideways and knew his friend all too well. He had lied about Sirius going to bed. He didn't know where the idiot was. A piece of parchment slide between his feet from behind.

**James told me to leave him alone. I didn't listen. Sirius ran off after potions**

Remus spun his head to look at Lily. She looked almost ill and Remus felt his blood boil. What was Sirius playing at? It was one thing to upset James (the two of them had been inseparable since the sorting) but to bring Evans into it? He ground his teeth and just about managed to transcribe enough notes to study from. As soon as they were dismissed, Remus bolted. He was too pissed off to even contemplate talking to anyone. Luckily for him, it was lunchtime anyway.

He headed out of the castle and down towards the lake. He wasn't entirely sure that running into Sirius would be a good idea but he needed to find out what the idiot was trying to accomplish. 

Remus came to an abrupt halt when he reached the lake's edge. Floating in the middle of the water was a bright orange rubber dinghey. Of all the things he had seen at Hogwarts, that was the strangest, which was bizarre given that he was a werewolf. He accioed the rubber boat and stared at the person inside with a mixture of rage, pity and betrayal.

"What are you doing?" he snapped.

"I was cloud gazing," Sirius replied, slurring his words. "But now I'm answering you."

"What are you doing in a dinghey? Why are you drunk? Why are you upsetting Evans?"

"Cause it's cool, cause I can be and didn't know I had."

"Sirius, why are you drunk in the middle of a school day? Where did you even get it from? James searched your trunk the other night."

"I know he did. It's why I went and got more. It's great what being rich gets you."

"You didn't answer the first question."

Sirius stood up and stumbled out of the boat before dragging it back in the direction of the lake. Remus hesitated for a moment before following him.

"Sirius-"

"Remus, you don't like me which is fair enough. I destroyed you last year," Sirius cut him off, turning to face him. "I tried to apologize last year but you didn't want to hear it. They all still stand but I'm not going to talk to you for you to blow me off. You don't get to know why I am drunk. It's none of your business. Ask James. Maybe he'll tell you. Go back to school and pretend you didn't see me. If I get expelled, that's on me."

Sirius pushed the boat back into the water before falling into it. With a frustrated sigh, Remus charmed the dinghey to blend in with it's environment. At least Sirius wouldn't get caught straight away.

Remus just about managed to get to the Great Hall before lunch finished and whispered to James,

"Seen Sirius. He's sloshed in a rubber boat on the lake. Figured you should know."

James put his fork down and glared at the plate. "Where'd he get it from?"

"He didn't say but I imagine he snuck down to Hogsmeade. Said something about how being rich gets you things."

Prongs rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what to do with him. I can't owl mum and dad. They can't help him from home. The other options would be McGonagle or Dumbledore but I don't want to get Sirius expelled. I can't abandon him, Remus but I can't do this anymore."

"He also said that if he got expelled it was on him," Remus added quietly.

James shot a glare in his direction. "It won't be though. It'll be on his parents and their stupid blood purity rules. Sirius is doing what he knows how to do when things fall apart. I can't blame him for his terrible upbringing."


	5. Chapter 5

# Chapter 5

## Sirius

The next week passed by in a blur of drunk days spent lying in his boat on the lake and hungover days spent half-arsing lessons. He somehow managed to only miss one essay, despite barely remembering that he even had homework most days. Unfortunately, that essay belonged to McGonagle. He recieved early morning detention on the same Saturday that everyone else was headed to Hogsmeade. Not that he had any particular interest in going to the village. His stash of emotional assistance was still stocked.

"You'll be cleaning the blackboards before joining me in my office," McGonagle said. "Is that okay with you, Mr Black?"

Sirius nodded. His head was still a little woozy from the night before but he was sober. Unfortunately. His head of house walked off into her office and closed the door. He began the process of cleaning the blackboards, something he had learnt in first year, and let his mind wander. A dumb idea really. It took less than five minutes before he was back to the night he'd run away. He could feel every curse, every lash of his father's belt. He heard the screams of Regulus in the hallway. Sirius tried to block it out again but without his forget-it-all drink, it tore at him until he wanted to scream. He kept it inside though. He couldn't let McGonagle know how much of a coward he was. Couldn't let anyone know that.

"Mr Black! Do I need to take you to the hospital wing?" McGonagle voice asked. 

It came from the same direction his mother was in. He couldn't breathe. On some level, he knew he was lying on the floor, curled up to protect himself from the blows that were no longer happening, but he couldn't escape the false reality. 

A potion was poured down his throat and suddenly, it all disappeared. All that was left, was crisp, white nothingness.

* * *

## Remus

He took Leeann by the arm as they walked into Hogsmeade. The Ravenclaw was more than thrilled to be hanging off his arm as she trilled on and on about what they should do while they were there. He was only half listening. The last time he'd come to Hogsmeade, he had been with Sirius on date. It had been the last one they'd had before the incident. His head was filled with the memories that wouldn't be destroyed no matter how hard he tried.

_Of Sirius conjuring a snowball and launching it at Snivellous's head before pulling Remus into a snog. Of him turning into Padfoot when nobody was looking so that the bigots in the village wouldn't stare at them. Of the two of them cosying up inside the Three Broomsticks with hot butterbeers after the sky had tried to drown them._

Remus shook his head and tried to remember that he was on a different date now with a completely different person. He took Leeann into honeydukes and she brought them both his favourite kind of chocolate. He did try to buy his but she refused to let him.

"I'm not one of those girls who expects to be waited on hand and foot, Rem," she said. "I am fully capable of buying things myself."

He tried to enjoy himself as they went for a walk then had drinks at the Hog's Head. By the time they got back to Hogwarts though, he was completely certain that they had no future in terms of romance. Before he could explain that, she kissed him on the cheek and darted off to join her fellow housemates. He had no doubts that she was telling them every detail of what had (and hadn't) occurred. With a sigh, he headed to the common room.

Remus was not expecting anyone to be back so early, but he found Lily sat on the sofa with James leaning on her shoulder, fast asleep. He looked like he'd been crying and she was silently holding his hand. She looked up as he entered and scowled in his direction.

"What did I do?" he asked quietly. "What happened to him?"

"He's watching the closest thing he has to a brother disintergrate in front of him and there's nothing he can do about it," Lily replied, as blunt as always. "As for what you did, technically nothing, and that is my problem. I can't even be annoyed with you."

He frowned, rather confused, and sat down opposite them. Lily rolled her eyes and resumed staring at the fire.

"What do you want to be annoyed at me for?" Remus asked. "If you could be."

"Ignoring Sirius."

They were two very simple words but they sparked so many emotions he didn't know where to begin. He couldn't understand when Lily had been brought into the situation or why she was already so invested. He wanted to go off at her explaining all the reasons why he couldn't talk to Sirius but, for one, he didn't want to wake James, but for two, he didn't have the energy to. Lily was not the kind of person you blew up at without being hit by your own shrapnel.

"It's complicated," Remus whispered.

"I know," Lily replied. "That's why I can't be annoyed. What he did... I can't even begin to imagine how you felt or still feel. I just wish it were another way."

Remus allowed the room to lapse back into silence. After a while, people started to return from their outings or alternative weekend activities. James woke up when Lily joined Dorcas and Marlene, but didn't say anything. Remus headed up to the dorm moments later. He didn't know what to say to James. He couldn't just make his emotions go away.

He had read three books, done his astronomy homework and was practicing charms when Peter came up and flopped down on his bed.

"Where've you been all day?" Remus asked.

"Went to Hogsmeade with Abigail Prewett. She kissed me on our walk back from the outskirts of town. Shared a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. It was wonderful. We're going again next time too," Peter replied. "What about you?"

"Had that date with Leeann. Realized I am not ready for that and certainly not with her. She ran off before I could tell her."

"Was it that bad?"

"It wasn't bad at all. I just don't feel anything romantic towards her."

"Are you sure you're not just gay?"

Remus lobbed a spare bit of parchment at his head. "I'm pretty sure I know what my own sexual orientation is, Wormtail."

Peter grinned and attempted to transfigure the parchment into a clock. It didn't quite end up being functional and Remus had to force himself not to laugh. Peter had always been hopeless at transfigurations.

"I'm going to fail my N.E.W.T.'s if I don't get any better at this," he grumbled, throwing the wonky clock-shaped thing towards Remus.

With a single flick of his wand and a quiet whisper, the object becomes the clock it was supposed to be. Peter mumbled something about showing off before heading into the bathroom. The shower came on moments later. Remus stared at the clock he'd created and wondered where his other roommates were. He vaguely remembered that James was on prefect duty but it was way too early for him to be doing rounds. Sirius... well it was entirely likely that Sirius was lying on or beside the lake. He'd attached himself to the thing apparently. 

* * *

## Sirius

He came around listening to a hushed conversation. He kept his eyes closed and pretended to still be unconscious.

"I'm sorry, James. I wish there was something I could do," Lily whispered.

"It's not your problem to solve," James replied. "It's only mine by default. Nobody else is going to help him."

"I do mean this in the nicest way possible, but you can't help him unless he starts helping himself. He has to let his emotions out eventually."

"Lily, the only person he ever discussed emotions with was Remus. He can't... I don't understand the life he's had. I never have. We talk about Quidditch and... well we used to talk about girls but that stopped after he came out. At least on his side. If we've both experienced it, we talk about it, otherwise he closes off. I don't blame him. I'm glad I've never experienced the vileness that was his household, but right now, I wish I had because maybe then I could help him."

Sirius cringed. James had no idea what he was talking about. Nobody should have experienced what he went through. Ever. Not even him. 

"Well, he's going to be out until tomorrow, and sitting here won't solve anything," Lily said. "Come on, Potter. We should do rounds."

"Is the infamous Lily Evans offering for me to hold her hand?" James asked, without the edge he used to have.

"Yes. She is."

"Twice in one day. Aren't I lucky?"

"I just don't want to be late for my rounds."

Sirius listened to them walk away and opened his eyes. He stared into the dimly lit hospital wing and felt the urge to cry. How could he keep up the charade of being even semi-funtional? He was just as broken as the life around him. He was a burden to the family who'd adopted him, a disappointment to his biological one as well as his professors. What was the point? Why was he trying to be something he wasn't? Reality hit him with the force of a Hippogriff. There wasn't any point. He had destroyed his relationship, been abandoned and disowned by his family, had burdened a nice family with his existence and was failing at school. He had nothing left to destroy but himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter is TW for attempted su*cide


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning- Attempted S*icide

# Chapter 6

## Sirius

Madam Pomfrey let him go just after breakfast. Instead of heading to charms, he went to Gryffindor Tower. Up in the dorm, he found three pieces of parchment. 

**Dear James,**

**Let your parents know how much you love them as often as you can. Tell them I'm sorry for burdening them. Please understand that** **I am not doing this to hurt you. You have been the best brother I could have asked for. I wish this could end another way.**

**I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye in person.**

**Love Sirius**

**Hey Pete,**

**We never really got close but you were still a brilliant friend. Keep trying with the transfigurations. My notes are in my trunk.**

**Laters mate**

**Sirius**

**Remus,**

**You meant everything to me. You were the reason I tried to be good enough. Not just for you but for Gryffindor and for Hogwarts. I guess I'm just too much like my family for that ever to work out. I am sorry for what I did last year, not that it means much by the time you read this letter. I still love you even though you despise me. You're still the best thing that ever happened to Gryffindor. You're not a monster, you never have been, but I am. I've taken James's innocence away and there's no getting it back. I'm not great with words, but you know that.**

**I'll always love you Moony, even when I'm no longer around.**

**Goodbye**

**Sirius**

Sirius left the folded up parchment pieces on the respective beds, before pulling his firewhiskey stash from under the bed. Before he left the room, he choked down one of the bottles. As he left the castle, he stared at it in all it's grandeur. It was a brilliant castle. He'd been raised in ancient buildings but Hogwarts castle was something else. It was a shame that he'd waited until now to notice it. 

* * *

## Remus

Remus ran up to the dorm between history of magic and DADA to get his books. It was then that he saw the parchment on all but one of the beds. He grabbed it, a sudden knot in his stomach. The blood drained from his face as he read the letter. He snatched up the other two and read them just to be sure it wasn't a sick prank. Forgetting the books and the lessons, he bolted from the dorm and headed straight to the lake. He hoped that he wasn't too late to stop Sirius. There was a stone in his throat that wouldn't go away no matter how much he swallowed. Sirius had to be okay. Remus hated what had happened last year but despite all of his attempts to hate Sirius, it never worked. He still loved him. The thought of losing him permanently was not even a tolerable idea.

He got to the lake just in time to see Sirius stand up in the dinghey, and stumble over the side of it, falling headfirst into the black lake. Remus's heart stopped. This couldn't happen. He couldn't **let** it happen. He ditched his robe, placed the bubble head charm on himself and dove into the water. He wasn't a brilliant swimmer but he was determined to not let Sirius die. One of the Merpeople had already discovered Sirius falling through the water but seemed relatively disinterested. Remus sent a warning shot through the water and it swam away, looking like it was sulking. When he finally reached Sirius, they were several feet below the surface. Remus linked his arm around Sirius's.

"Ascendio," he said, and felt himself launch through the water and crash landed onto the rubber boat.

Sirius was not responding. Remus glared at the several empty bottles of firewhiskey before pulling Sirius half onto his lap, leaving him at an incline. With a hard shove on his chest, water spilled from his mouth and nose. Sirius still didn't respond. Remus repeated the action three more times, water spewing out until there was no more. When Sirius still stayed motionless, Remus felt himself freeze. He didn't know what else to do. He tried to remember what happened in the muggle movies when someone drowned but his mind was blanking, trying to stay with Sirius. As he stared at Sirius's motionless body, he realized what else he was meant to do. He leaned down and blew air into his ex-boyfriend's lungs. He pulled away and pounded on his chest once more. The last dregs of water came out as Sirius rolled to the side spluttering. Once the choking had stopped, Sirius looked at Remus before his eyes closed once more. Remus leaned down and double checked that there was a heartbeat and breathing, before charming Sirius's robes to warm him up and taking the boat back to shore. 

"Madam Pomfrey!" Remus yelled. "I need your help!"

The matron emerged from her office, saw Sirius unconscious and dripping in Remus's arms and immediately directed him to a bed. He stood to the side while she checked him over, performing whatever medical spells were necessary to save his life. He stared at Sirius's face and for once, understood what it was like to be on the other side of the medical drama. Remus was usually the one lying half-dead on the hospital bed. He didn't understand how James, Peter or Sirius had ever stood beside him after the full moon. He felt broken and exhausted from the one time event. How they managed it every month was beyond him.

"Mr Lupin, you appear to be dripping all over my ward," Madam Pomfrey said gently. "Are you capable of drying yourself or must I do it?"

Remus shrugged, not looking away from Sirius. Without another word, the matron dried his clothes with a spell he probably knew before directing him to the seat beside Sirius's bed. She said something about fetching Professor McGonagle but he wasn't listening anymore. His heartbeat was between his ears, beating so loudly he couldn't even hear himself think. He wrapped his hand around Sirius's wrist and felt for the pulse. The rhythmic blip of Sirius's heart grounded him back to the reality in which he had saved the idiot's life.

Professor McGonagle arrived some time later accompanied by a very sombre James, who stared at Sirius the way he had been. In his hand was the letter Sirius had left for him.

"Mr Lupin, if I might have a word," McGonagle said, leaving no room for denial. 

Remus stood up and pushed James towards the chair he'd been in. He joined his head of house and the matron in the latter's office. He stood against the wall and stared at the floor. 

"Now that Mr Black's condition is stablized, would you like to explain how he ended up drinking half of the black lake?" McGonagle pressed.

"He tried to die, Professor," Remus replied, keeping his eyes on the ground. "He drank several bottles of firewhiskey and let himself fall into the lake. I was going to stop him."

"How is it that you knew he was going to attempt such a thing?"

"He wrote the three of us a note. James still has his. I think mine is in my robe's or possibly the lake. I couldn't let him die, Professor."

"Of course not, Mr Lupin. I commend you on your fast actions. Twenty points to Gryffindor, however, I would question as to how Mr Black will feel about failing to complete his task. He doesn't appear to be handling things very well."

Remus finally looked up. "He's not dealing with it Professor. That's the problem. He isn't dealing with any of it. If that is all, I'd like to go and sit with him again, if that's okay."

McGonagle gestured toward the door and Remus marched straight back to Sirius's bedside.

James was silently crying in his chair. Remus gave him an awkward, one armed hug from behind before sitting at the foot of Sirius's bed.

"How did he do it?" James asked quietly.

"Got drunk and let himself fall into the lake," Remus replied, solemnly.

"I don't care how he tried to die!" James snapped. "I mean, how could he do that? How could he try and kill himself? What kind of fucked up bullshit is that?"

"He hasn't dealt with any of his issues, Prongs. Whatever happened with his parents... it's destroying him from the inside."

James shifted his gaze to Remus. "You're the only one who can help him then. I know you still hate him and you have every right to, but you can't just let him die. We both know this will happen again if he doesn't handle it. Please, Moony. Don't do it for him. Do it for me. I can't lose him."

Remus looked at the floor. "I don't hate him. I never managed that. I still feel betrayed for what he did but I could never hate him."

They sat in silence for a while, both staring at Sirius, when two sets of footsteps came into the ward and rounded Sirius's curtain. Lily and Wormtail were both looking grim.

"He tried to kill himself?" Lily asked, almost dumbfounded.

Both James and Remus nodded. Lily gasped and went to stand behind James with her hands on his shoulders. Peter stood beside Remus in deathly silence. They once again lapsed into complete quiet.

It was almost ten o'clock when Madam Pomfrey made a reappearance. She checked over Sirius and announced to the group that he was stable. She also insisted that they all returned to their common room. Peter didn't wait for anyone else. He bolted as soon as he was told to. James was more hesitant and Lily stood by him loyally. 

"Mr Potter, I assure you that if Mr Black's condition worsens, you will be informed," Madam Pomfrey assured him gently. "You do still have school in the morning if nothing else changes. He is in perfectly good hands."

James stood up and put his arm around Lily's shoulders. She leaned against him and they slowly left the wing. With Remus the only one left, his resolve hardened. Sirius needed to deal with his shit and he was the only one that could make that happen. His own feelings had to be set aside, at least for the time being.

"I'm not leaving," Remus said. "You can get me put in detention or have all the house points taken away from me but I am not leaving his side."

Madam Pomfrey huffed indignantly before marching away, likely to the fireplace to flue McGonagle or Dumbledore in. Remus pulled himself more fully onto Sirius's bed and crossed his legs. He was not leaving until Sirius got it all out.

When McGonagle arrived, Remus was only half aware of what was happening. His head of house, dressed in pyjamas and a night cap, stood in his line of sight.

"You may stay the night on one condition, Mr Lupin," she said firmly.

"What condition is that Professor?" Remus replied.

"Well it's come to my attention that you are the one Mr Black confided in, prior to the incident last autumn. The condition is, he must talk to you. You must listen."

"That was my intention Professor. I won't let him die."

Remus was left alone with his exboyfriend and all the emotions that went along with it. With nothing but time on his hands, Remus began to deal with his own feelings.


	7. Chapter 7

# Chapter 7

## Sirius

His lungs were wrapped in smoke and his head had been trampled on by an Erumpent. At least, that was his interpretation of things in the foggy void that was magical sleep. Sirius had no recollection of seeing a healer but the fog suggested he had. Why had he seen one? As the spell broke and he began to wake, he remembered why a healer would have been necessary. He had fallen into the black lake and water had poured down his throat. The firewhiskey had knocked him out a few seconds later. Who had pulled him from the water? Why had they pulled him out? How did they even find him? Most importantly, how had they gotten to him in time? 

Sirius opened his eyes and stared up at the concave ceiling of the hospital wing. He was definitely alive. He couldn't work out if that was a good or a bad thing. Obviously, he had planned on dying but maybe the stars didn't align for him to die yet. His body was heavy and sluggish as he forced himself into an upright position. Once sitting, he wondered if hallucinations were a side effect of inhaling water from the black lake. There was no logical reason why Remus would be sat at the end of his bed, sleeping. 

"Remus?" Sirius whispered. His voice came out as a croak similar to his Uncle Alphard, who smoked plenty of muggle cigars.

The werewolf jolted awake and stared at Sirius, not quite angry but not happy either.

"Sirius," Remus replied. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm... why are you here? It has to be after curfew."

"It is. McGonagle gave me permission to stay. How are you?"

Sirius frowned. "Why'd you care?"

Remus rubbed his eyes. "Well given that I'm the one who dragged you out of the water, I'd say because I do."

Sirius blinked. Remus had been the one to save him. How had he found him? Why had he saved him? Sirius felt his chest start to ache all over again and wrapped his arms around himself. The werewolf frowned.

"Pads... did you honestly think that death was the only way out?"

Sirius flinched from the nickname. He'd never thought Remus could be cruel.

"Yes," he whispered. "It still is though I imagine James will chain himself to me before letting me get another chance. If he knows what I did..."

"He was here earlier. So was Wormtail and Lily. They all went to bed. James was beside himself. I'm not sure Peter really understood what was happening. It seems like Evans is finally giving in to James, which is kind of ironic because he doesn't seem all that interested in chasing her anymore."

"My fault. When I forced him not to tell you or Peter about summer, he started writing to Lily. She was there for him, when I refused to let any one else be. He's too busy making sure I'm functional to chase her. I ruined him. I ruined you. Leave it a couple weeks and I'll ruin Peter too. Why are you here Remus?"

Sirius pulled his knees to his chest and waited for an answer. Remus sighed, looked around the room before settling his gaze back on Sirius. The werewolf didn't have to speak for Sirius to know the answer. He shook his head. He couldn't do it. The alcohol had been magicked out of his system. He couldn't do emotions. Not now. Not with his exboyfriend and not while sober. His chest started to throb and his lungs protested against the sudden increase of his breathing. Remus reached out a hand and it was the last straw. Sirius hopped off the bed but staggered, leaving Remus to catch him. As soon as contact was made, Sirius began to tremble.

"Pads, you need to talk about it before it destroys you," Remus said, his grip tight on Sirius's arms. "What happened with your parents?"

Sirius shook his head. "I can't... I can't do this... I need-"

"Firewhiskey? No, Pads, the fact that you're sober is the reason you need to talk about it. Emotions don't just go away because you hide at the bottom of a bottle. Talk to me."

Sirius pulled away and sat back on the bed. "Why do you care? You hate me."

He could feel the tears prickling in his eyes but he forced them to stay away just like he forced his voice to stay even. Who knew thirteen years of practice would come in useful?

Remus crossed his arms and looked at the floor. "Sirius, I never hated you. I wanted to. Hating you would have made it much easier to deal with your betrayal, but I couldn't do it. No matter how hard I tried. I'm still angry with you, and I'm still hurt. You infuriate me and frustrate me to no end but I've never once hated you."

Sirius couldn't do anything but stare. He wanted to believe that the words were true but he also knew that Remus was likely going to do whatever it took to make him talk. He couldn't fall into that trap. If he released the pain inside only for Remus to walk away at the end... it was unbearable to think about. Remus stepped closer to him, making eye contact, and Sirius looked away. He had always fallen for the eyes, even before they were a couple. Sirius steeled himself before looking Remus in the eye again.

"Fine, you wanna know what happened with my parents. They found my letters. _Our_ letters. They asked who you were. Then they asked _what_ you were. They even used legilimency. I only just managed to keep them from finding out I'm an animagus. They found out that we were a couple, which automatically was an issue for them for a variety of reasons. You're male, a half-blood and a half-breed. Then they asked if you had defiled me, which is the pureblood interpretation of, had we slept together. I told them yes. After that, they decided that the only way to cleanse the filth off me was to throw every curse they knew, some of which were an unpleasant surprise to me. They almost killed me. I managed to crawl over to the flue powder and just about managed to get to the Potters. They fixed me up," Sirius said coldly, telling it like a story of someone else rather than his own reality. "Happy now?"

* * *

## Remus

It took a lot of self-control not to show how he felt, on the outside. He couldn't believe that he was the reason Sirius had run away or been tortured. Sirius sat on the bed, an almost glassy expression on his face. It was the one he used when he was forcing himself not to feel anything. It had been years since he had used it around just him.

"Given that you're still holding back, no, I'm not happy," Remus replied gently. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Okay, are you satisfied? I told you what happened in summer."

"Pads, the reason I asked is because whatever happened is eating you up inside and you refuse to talk to anyone about it. Peter would probably get upset, James doesn't understand and as far as I'm aware, Evans isn't really that close of a friend to you. Unless you have some secret friends that I don't know about, I'm all you have to talk to about this shit."

"We aren't friends, Remus. You made that quite clear after I fucked up and almost got Snape killed. Do you honestly think I'm going to let you in just for you to walk away?"

Remus stared at Sirius. He didn't really have an answer for that. He didn't even know what he was going to do after that night. He wasn't going to lie and say that all was forgiven. He wasn't there yet. Sirius scoffed with a knowing grimace. The two of them knew the other too well. They'd learnt to read each other as if reading their own names. Sirius got off the bed again and tried to walk past. Remus grabbed him by the wrist.

"I can't say I forgive you, but I'm not just going to let this kill you," he said. "Even if you don't trust me and even though it's going to hurt, you owe it to James. He loves you too much to lose you."

Sirius began to shake again but didn't pull away. He just kind of stood there and Remus knew that he was fighting back tears. Remus pulled him back so that they were stood face to face and Sirius looked anywhere but at Remus. 

Remus had to force his own feelings aside completely. It wasn't about him or their relationship. It was about Sirius cutting the bandage that was suffocating him and breathing for the first time in weeks.

"I've destroyed everything in my life, Remus. I destroyed our relationship, killed James's innocence, became a completely incompatible failure and disappointment to my family. I'm started to fail school that's barely started. What future do I have? Why should I keep going when all I will ever be is Sirius Black, moron blood traitor who's also an illegal animagus?" Sirius choked.

"What if I said the same thing because I'm a lycanthrope?" Remus countered.

Sirius finally looked at him, the cutting realization blatant on his face. Tears began to roll down his cheeks and, with the hand not still holding Sirius's wrist, Remus wiped them away. It was apparently all Sirius could handle because he began to sob, loudly and without reserve. Remus pulled him against his chest before quickly using a silencing charm. Sirius was mumbling about how in what he thought were his dying moments, only cared about how Remus hated him. 

Remus held Sirius against him as tightly as possible while the other boy sobbed and wailed, occasionally screaming about something specific that happened, until he collapsed from exhaustion. Remus continued to hold him, pinning the limp and barely alive idiot to his chest. He, himself wasn't sad. He was furious. How anyone could do that to their child was beyond barbaric. He had the urge to leave Sirius on the bed, hijack one of the flue portals and murder Orion and Walburga Black. He wouldn't for many reasons. The most important being that Sirius couldn't be left alone after what had just happened. The floodgates of emotion Sirius had opened were going to leave him more fragile than he'd been before. It had happened before.

_The week following the sorting, Remus had found Sirius hiding in the bathroom with several letters from his parents. Remus had asked what they were about. Instead of answering, Sirius had just handed him the letters. According to Walburga, Sirius was a disgrace to the family name, an embarrassment of an heir, disloyal to their heritage etc. Remus had screwed the letters up and launched them across the room and into the toilet._

_"You're nothing like that," Remus had said. "Your parents are just bullies. You've got us, now."_

_He had put his hand on Sirius's shoulder and the pureblood had fallen to pieces. Remus had wrapped an arm around his new friend and they had sat there together for hours. That had been the start of the physical affection because Sirius had leaned on Remus through breakfast, in classes and even started sharing a bed second year._

_When Sirius had become Padfoot, it got even more clingy because, if either of them had a bad day, Sirius would become a dog and they would camp out in the dorm until the bad mood had passed._

Remus hauled Sirius over to the bed and laid down, dragging the now mildly conscious boy onto the bed with him. Sirius curled up against his side and Remus rested his chin on his head. He still didn't forgive the idiot for revealing his secret to Snivellous, but he couldn't be angry to him anymore. Not the way he had been. He tightened his arms around his exboyfriend and Sirius pressed himself tighter to Remus's side. After a while, Remus fell into the deepest of sleeps he'd had in a while.

He woke up when the curtains were cast open and light streamed in, hitting him directly in the face. Remus blinked rapidly as he waited for his eyes to adjust. Sirius stayed curled against him, too exhausted to wake up. Stood beside him was a gentle looking McGonagle.

"I presume he spoke to you," she said.

Remus nodded. "Is it wrong of me to want to kill his parents?"

McGonagle inhaled sharply and looked at Sirius. "As your professor, yes. That is very wrong indeed."

"But as a decent human being?"

"I shall refrain from commenting, Mr Lupin. I shall let you rest as I'm sure you were awake the majority of the night. I strongly insist, however, that he not be out of yours or Potter's sight for the time being."

Remus nodded as she drew the curtain once again. Remus rested his chin on Sirius's head again. As McGonagle began to leave, Remus asked,

"It's not going to get better from just the one night, is it?"

His head of house turned to face him again. "No, Mr Lupin. I highly doubt it."


	8. Chapter 8

# Chapter 8

## Sirius

For a single moment, Sirius felt calm. It was blissful. He wasn't being choked by the pain his parents had put him through and he was in the arms of the only one who loved him despite all the dark he was. He inhaled Remus's scent and reality crashed down upon him. Sirius opened his eyes and saw Remus's chest in front of him. He could feel Remus's arm behind him, stopping him from falling off the bed. It was a sleeping position that he was very familar with and yet it somehow felt so foreign. He had broken trust between them and they'd stopped being friends. They didn't share the same bed anymore. He didn't deserve that luxury or the comfort.

Slowly, as to not wake the sleeping werewolf, Sirius sat up and hopped over Remus's arm. He hadn't taken more than two steps before his wrist was locked in a tight grip.

"Don't even think about running off, Pads," Remus said groggily. "You know full well what you're like after you break the walls down. Come back here."

"I don't need your pity," Sirius replied, forcing as much ice into the words as possible.

Either it was a poor attempt or Remus just didn't care, because he was pulled back towards the bed and he begrudgingly got back in with him. It didn't take long for muscle memory to take over and Sirius was pressing himself against Remus, seeking the comfort he was being offered. Remus, very willingly, obliged, tightening his hold over Sirius reflexively.

"I'm not angry anymore, Pads," Remus whispered. "I still don't forgive you, but I'm not angry anymore."

"So what, we're friends again?" Sirius asked, half hopeful, half disbelieving.

"Not quite. We're just going to exist, Pads. I'm going to help you with this crap and we'll see how it ends up."

"You don't need to do that."

"It will just build up inside again. It's not a one time release and everything is magically better. You need to actually deal with what happened. Besides, I've been given orders from McGonagle to not let you out of my sight unless you're with Prongs. Suck it up, Pads. You're stuck with me for the time being."

Despite the tension they still had between them, Sirius craved the werewolf's presence more than he wanted to admit. He inhaled deeply, allowing the comforting and familar scent to relax him, and felt himself fall back to sleep.

* * *

## Remus

Remus woke up sometime later. He stared at the screen that separated them from the rest of the ward and tried to work out what time it was. On the visitor's chair, two clean sets of robes had been left along with Sirius's wand. He guessed that someone had retrieved it from the lakeside. He kind of hoped it was James because the thought of McGonagle seeing the amount of alcohol Sirius had consumed on school grounds wasn't the most comforting of thoughts.

With practiced ease, Remus extracted himself from the bed without waking Sirius. He changed quickly, using a weak cleaning spell on himself before he did, then went to Madam Pomfrey's office. She was sat on her desk writing something when he showed up but almost immediately looked up.

"How is he?" she asked.

"Better than he was but not by much," Remus replied. "Do you know what the time is?"

"Ten minutes until lunchtime. I've been told he may only be released if you agree to watch him, is that the agreement you made with Professor McGonagle?"

Remus nodded. "I've got him. If it's okay with you, I should make sure that he eats something."

"Of course. He looks far too slim."

Remus nodded again before heading back to Sirius. 

The idiot was still asleep but less comfortably by the look on his face. Remus touched his shoulder and shook him gently.

"Pads, time to wake up."

Sirius rolled over and looked at him through bleary eyes. Remus stepped back and gestured towards the robes.

"Come on, time to get up and dressed."

Sirius sat up slowly and cleaned the sleep out of his eyes. "I don't have the energy to cover the scars, Re. They look awful."

Remus stared at him. What scars? They'd shared a dorm for two weeks and Remus had never seen any. Sirius shrugged. Remus handed him the clean clothes. Sirius ditched the ones he had on and Remus tried not to flinch. All across Sirius's arms were angry pink lines and across his chest were wider, clearly deeper injuries. He could feel his own scars start itching looking at them. Sirius closed his eyes before standing up and turning around. 

Remus almost gagged. Between Padfoot's shoulderblades was what appeared to be a branding, along with various smaller lash lines. Before he could stop himself, Remus was touching the brand mark, causing Sirius to shudder.

"Do they still hurt?" he whispered.

"Only in memory," Sirius replied, turning back around. "The Potter's took me to St. Mungo's when they couldn't heal that one. There was nothing the healers there could do about it either. I'll forever be branded by whatever curse my parents used. Marks me as a traitor according to my father. I... they're hidious, Re."

Remus shook his head. "Every single one is a reminder that you survived, Pads."

Sirius laughed once. "Using my own words against me."

"With you, it's actually true."

Sirius rolled his eyes and resumed getting dressed. He had a few scars on his legs as well but they were less frequent. Clearly his parents had been aiming for maximum pain.

In the Great Hall, Sirius held Remus's hand and the tension radiating out of him was palpable. 

"Nobody outside of the five of us know what happened, Pads," Remus whispered as other people began to flood the hall. "Try to relax."

Sirius leant against him but didn't reply. Remus sighed and began putting food on both of their plates.

James, Lily and Peter all entered the hall at the same time and honed in on the two of them. The three of them sat opposite and glanced between him and Pads.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said as quietly as possible while still being heard. "I shouldn't have done it."

James stared, but remained disturbingly quiet. Remus hoped it was because of how public it was. He couldn't deal with both of the drama queens being in meltdown mode. It would be catastrophic. Lily nudged James.

"Breathe, Potter," she whispered.

Wormtail, seemingly unaffected, began to eat. Remus followed suit while also trying to get Sirius to eat. 

Five minutes before lunch ended, Leeann sauntered over to their table looking miffed.

"Remus, can I have a word," she said, leaving very little room for denial. 

Sirius released his hand immediately and looked at James.

"The Quaffle is yours," he said sardonically.

James rolled his eyes and Remus, unenthusiastically, followed Leeann out of the Great Hall.

She turned to face him in the entry way and put her hands on her hips.

"Where've you been all weekend?" she demanded.

"All weekend? Don't be dramatic! I was with you saturday. I spent most of Sunday in my dorm. As for yesterday, I was busy," he replied, really not wanting to have this discussion.

"Too busy for your girlfriend? Really, Remus. What could possibly have been so important?"

"Honestly, most things. Also, we have been on one date. I'd like to make that very clear. We don't even classify as dating by that statistic. We are not boyfriend and girlfriend, Leeann."

She crossed her arms. "Since when are you and Black friends again?"

Remus looked up and glared at the ceiling. "Since that is none of your business. Honestly, Leeann, you seem nice enough, but I am not interested in dating you. I'm not attracted to you."

"But... Remus, I love you."

He couldn't control the noise that came out of him as he stared at her, hoping he looked as incredulous as he felt. "Love?! I will repeat that we have been on one date. You don't understand what the meaning of love is if you think that it exists that quickly. I think what you're feeling is either lust or a crush. Either way, it'll fade soon. Now if you're done being more dramatic than my entire friend group, I'm going to lesson now."

* * *

## Sirius

James was not impressed. He didn't leave Sirius alone for more than ten seconds throughout all of their classes yet didn't say a word to him. When they got back to the common room, James shoved him straight towards the stairs.

Sirius sat on his bed and watched as his best friend paced the room, trying to work out what to say. He felt cold, like someone had dropped ice water down his back. He also knew there was nothing he could say to excuse his actions, even if he wanted to. Eventually, James stopped pacing. He grabbed a letter and a bit of parchment before throwing both in his direction.

"Letter's from mum and dad. I didn't read it but I hope you realize how freaked you've made them. They're all in a twist because's there's nothing they can do, even if they were here." James said. "That is your fucking farewell to me."

Sirius eyed the letter, a lump forming in his throat. He knew there would be nothing but kindness and love inside yet it made him feel worse than ever. 

"Pads, what the actual fuck?" James yelled. "In what world did you think that was okay? To launch yourself into the black lake? I know things have been rough since your parents but what- how did you think that would fix it?"

He didn't say anything. There was nothing he could say. Remus let himself into the room and stayed beside the door. 

"Earth to Padfoot! Are you gonna say something or did you lose the ability to speak?" James continued.

Sirius looked up. "What do you want me to say, Prongs? That I'm never going to do it again? That I'm gonna return to who I was last year? It would be a bunch of lies and I don't want to lie to you."

The fear in his brother's eyes was a dagger to his heart. Remus sat down on his own bed and looked between the two of them. None of them said anything for a long while. Sirius couldn't stand the tension but there was nothing he could say to break it. Eventually, James stalked out of the room and slammed the door behind him. Sirius fell back onto his bed and stared at the burgandy canopy. He hadn't expected to see it again.

"How you doing, Pads?" Remus asked after another few minutes of silence.

"I'm pretty sure you can guess," Sirius replied. 

He picked up the letter from the Potter's and tried to find the courage to open it. Before he was even halfway there, Remus plucked it from his hands and broke the seal, handing him the open letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've just realized my own timeline error but we're gonna roll with it and pretend that Sirius did the stupid thing on a Monday, not a Sunday. Everyone good with that... cool. Glad we're on the same page.


	9. Chapter 9

# Chapter 9

## Sirius

_**Dear Sirius,** _

_**We want you to know that you mean the world to us and to James. You've become the brother we could never give him. You are worth so much more than what little your parents gave you. From the day you were born, a legacy was held over your head and you were expected to carry the burden of it. The way blood purists go about is absurd and you deserved far better. You deserved to be born to a family that loved and supported you no matter what.** _

_**It might be a little late but we wish we could provide that for you. From the moment you fell out of our fireplace, bloodied and tortured, we vowed to do everything in our power to protect you. Yet it appears as though we've failed already. When we got the news of your attempt, we were heartbroken. Of course, we don't blame you for it, dear. Your parents are the evil that caused your actions.** _

_**We truly hope that you start to feel better and that you will last long enough with the pain you carry to make it home for christmas, because this is your home now.** _

_**We love you, Sirius. You are a brilliant young man that we are proud to call our own.** _

_**Much love,** _

_**Euphemia and Fleamont Potter** _

Sirius stared at the words, reading them until they made no sense, until his vision went blurry. He couldn't remember ever recieving such a nice letter. Remus laid down beside him without saying anything. Sirius handed him the letter and within a minute, Remus was pulling him into a tight hug. He knew that he shouldn't be crying over something so good but the tears just wouldn't stop coming. He couldn't handle the kind words. He couldn't tolerate the love. He didn't deserve any of it. 

"Remus, Sirius, are you coming to dinner?" Lily asked however long later.

"I don't think so," Remus replied when Sirius didn't lift his head.

"Any particular reason why?"

"He got a letter from the Potter's."

He heard the door close and someone, presumably Lily, walked into the room. "Surely they weren't mean to him. They're such lovely people."

"The opposite actually."

Remus asked if she could read it and he nodded against Remus's chest. He didn't want Lily to see him after crying so bloody much. 

"This is so sweet," Lily said softly. "Pads, are you okay?"

The mattress dipped on his other side and a not-Remus hand touched his shoulder. Remus asked her to stay with him while he went to the bathroom. Sirius reluctantly let go of his emotional support wolf. Lily rubbed his shoulder gently.

"James loves you as well you know," Lily whispered. "He doesn't know how to show it right now but he does. You know that right."

Sirius sighed and rolled over so that he was looking at her face. To his surprise, she didn't react or comment on his red eyes. She just looked sympathetic. He couldn't help but admire how she could so easily be a badass, fierce witch while also being so soft and gentle. 

"I see why James likes you so much," he croaked. "Now I get it. You'd be good together."

Lily blushed. "Watch it Padfoot. I'll still jinx you."

There was no venom in her words. He sat up and leaned in to hug her. She bridged the gap he left and held him almost as tightly as Remus did. She smelt like lemongrass and anise. She turned her face towards his ear and whispered,

"You really are worth more than those beasts of a family ever told you. You are worth being loved and I love you. Tell anyone that and I will jinx you for it but it's true. You were one of the funniest people in Gryffindor. I hope that version of you can make a reappearance at some point."

He let go and she released him, a kind smile on her face. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe the Potter's but it just wouldn't process in his head. He had done nothing to earn their love. Remus emerged from the bathroom. Sirius stood up and suggested they go to dinner. Remus raised his eyebrows but didn't object. On the way to the great hall, Sirius walked between his two watchers and was grateful for the emotional support they offered.

* * *

## Remus

Over the next few days, Remus and James swapped Sirius duties at least four times each day. Remus spent his nights waiting for Sirius to fall asleep before sleeping himself. He knew that James was doing the same thing. It lead to a fair bit of exhaustion on both sides until eventually, Lily told them to take one night each. James was more than happy with the compromise. Remus, however, agreed but continued to stay up. He couldn't help it. He wasn't about to let a tired lapse in judgement lose him Padfoot. 

Remus woke with a start. Something in him was ringing alarm bells. When he propped himself up on his elbows and looked over at Sirius's bed to find it empty, he shot upright. His heart was racing. It had been his night to watch Sirius fall asleep and he'd been sure that the idiot had been completely out of it before passing out himself. Had he been wrong?

"I didn't go anywhere," Sirius's voice said. "I know it was your night watching me. I wasn't about to give you a heart attack."

Remus turned to see Sirius sat on the window seat staring out the window. He was playing with his fingers, counting and recounting, the way he had done since first year. Remus had always assumed it was a coping mechanism that couldn't be detected by his family. With a mild groan, Remus slid out of bed and went to stand beside the idiot.

"Why're you up?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Nightmare, I guess. I don't know. I don't really sleep all that well by myself anymore. Not without potions or alcohol anyway."

Remus closed his eyes. He hadn't even considered that to be a possibility. Sirius poked his shoulder.

"You realize that just because you're my emotional support wolf doesn't mean you have to take on the entirety of my problems, right?" he said. "You can't fix the problems I've got. Nobody can. You're not even obligated by friendship or a relationship to try."

Remus opened his eyes and took Sirius's hand. "Emotional support wolf? Sirius... fuck I wasn't... I still love you. Despite the fact that I wanted to hate you and that I was furious with you, I never stopped loving you. That is why I'm doing this. To me, the thought of a world where you no longer exists isn't even a tolerable idea. I can't let you die."

He could feel the flush in his cheeks. Sirius reached over but before he touched anything, let his hand drop. There was a ghost of something in his eyes but Remus didn't understand what. Remus tugged on his hand, forcing him to get off the window seat.

"You need sleep, Sirius," he said. "So you're coming with me."

"You realize I don't deserve any of this right? I haven't even earnt back your trust, let alone your love."

Remus balked at the concept. "Pads, you don't have to earn somebody's love. It's something freely given. It isn't a reward. Fuck me, I knew your family was backwards but that is just sick."

He ended up on Sirius watch a week after his attempt. James had tried to take him but Sirius had refused, insisting that James had better luck of getting on the Quidditch team without his presence to distract. James, hadn't fought that hard, despite Remus having been on watch most of the day. It was something he actually didn't mind. Now that the anger was gone, he was still hurt by what Sirius had done but it wasn't even a fleck in his vision anymore. Even with Sirius being, not his old self, he was still good company. 

Sirius sat at the other end of his bed, supposedly doing his charms homework while Remus read. It didn't take long before Sirius was staring off into space. When he started to hyperventilate, Remus dropped his book and leaned forward. Sirius's eyes were unfocused and he didn't react to him moving. 

"Pads? Sirius, you're okay. Nobody is hurting you anymore," he said firmly.

Sirius didn't respond. His breathing just kept getting faster. Remus grabbed him by the shoulders. Sirius was more tense than harp strings. 

"Padfoot!" Remus added, slightly louder. "Padfoot, you're at Hogwarts. You live with the Potter's now. You are never going to see your parents again."

Slowly but surely, Sirius reentered reality. Almost instinctively, Sirius grabbed the closest contact point with him. As his eyes focused, Sirius looked directly at Remus.

"Did I tell you that they burnt all of our letters?" Sirius whispered. "They forced me to watch too. Said it was just the beginning of the cleansing."

Remus ground his teeth to keep his own anger in check. There was no point in raging about the Black family. In wizarding law, they were untouchable because all that was needed was money. Sirius dropped his hold on Remus's arm and shook off the hands on his shoulders. He pulled his knees to his chest and stared at a random spot on the wall. Remus knew that he needed to get him to open up before he shut down completely. 

"I hate that you had to watch that," Remus said. "You shouldn't have had to lose those memories."

"I didn't lose the memories. I read all of them so many times I couldn't forget them if I tried," Sirius replied. "But watching them burn was like watching little pieces of you burn too. That's what made it hurt. It felt like they were trying to kill you through the letters."

Sirius went quiet again and Remus nudged him with his foot. Icy grey eyes met his.

"If they tried to lay a hand on you, I would have killed them," Sirius added, his words bitter and violent. "To protect you, I would have taken that beating any day of the week."

Tears stung in Remus's eyes as the betrayal raised it's ugly head. He knew Sirius meant every word but it clashed with his failed attempt to do so before. Sirius saw the tears and pulled his legs even tighter to himself. 

"I keep hurting you, Re. I really don't know why you stick around."

Remus couldn't find the words to explain. Instead, he held his hand out and, after a moment of hesitation, Sirius took it. Remus pulled the idiot against him and buried his face in his hair. The smell of his Padfoot was soothing in a way he couldn't describe.


	10. Chapter 10

# Chapter 10

## Sirius

As another week went by being constantly shadowed by his best friend or emotional support wolf, Sirius felt the strain. James was barely with it half the time and he'd recieved numerous detentions for missing homework. Despite never admitting it, Sirius knew his friend well enough to read between the lines. It was worse for Moony though. Four days prior to the full moon, he ended up having to stay in bed because he was already feeling the side effects of lycanthropy. Remus also tried to pretend that it was nothing to do with him but he knew it was lies. He was stressing the two of them out so badly they were suffering far worse than he was. 

Three days before the full moon, Sirius decided to try and help Remus out. When they were done with school, Sirius went straight up to the dorm and locked the door behind himself. Hesitantly, he turned into Padfoot and trotted over to where Remus was lying with his head buried in the pillow. He nudged the wolf with his snout and Remus woke up almost instantly. At first, Sirius thought he had crossed a line because the wolf just stared at him, but before he could turn back, Remus shuffled over and patted the bed beside him. Padfoot hopped up, laid down and rested his head on top of Remus's arm. He felt the other one go over his back.

"Thank you Pads," Remus said quietly, sounding a little hoarse.

Sirius released a small woof and he smiled before lapsing back into unconsciousness.

Sirius glared at James who glared back at him with the same intensity. Peter had already taken Remus down to the shack but James had refused to go. 

"I swear to Merlin that I won't leave this bloody room," Sirius snapped. "Go help Remus. He needs you more than I do."

"You're still under watch. McGonagle said-"

"Quite honestly, I don't give a rats ass about McGonagle. Remus needs you. He's already been tortured this month and he doesn't need to wake up covered in serious injuries because you insist on babysitting me! Might be good for the both of you to get away from me for several hours anyway. I know you want to."

"I'll stay with Sirius," Lily said, letting herself into the dorm. "I did knock. The two of you just weren't listening."

Sirius looked at her confused. Why would she volunteer to babysit him? They had nothing in common. At least, he didn't think they did. James started to protest but she fixed him with a hard look.

"You think McGonagle wouldn't trust me? I can stop him from doing anything stupid, even if I have to bodybind him to do so. Sirius is right, you could do with some time away. Go help Remus."

James glared at him but didn't hesitate very long before marching out of the room. Sirius moved over to Remus's bed and flopped backwards. He wished he could have joined Moony. It had been months since Padfoot had seen his wolf friend, because the reality was Moony wasn't always synonymous with Remus. He wanted to help make sure that Remus had as few scars as possible when he came back around but it just wasn't going to happen. He wasn't going to be the one to ask and nobody else had brought it up. He honestly doubted that Remus would ever want him to join the danger party again. 

Lily suddenly loomed over him.

"Budge over," she said.

He frowned at her. She grinned.

"You don't think I just told Potter what he needed to hear to get out, do you? No I'm officially your babysitter for the night. So budge."

Sirius shuffled over and Lily laid down beside him.

"Isn't this Remus's bed?" she asked.

"Yes," Sirius replied, feeling very strange sharing it with anyone but Remus.

"Do you still share a bed with him?"

"Not usually anymore. Mostly just if he realizes I'm awake in the middle of the night."

The room went quiet, as Sirius knew it would, and he wondered just how long the night was going to last. When James was on duty, they would talk about Quidditch or, mostly, do homework. With Remus, they talked about... a lot. There was very little room for silence and if it ever happened, it's because they wanted it to be there. The quiet between him and Lily was just awkward. With a weak grin, Sirius figured he'd make the most of the awkward.

"So, how does it feel to finally fall for Potter?" 

Lily batted him in the gut. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

He could almost hear the smile on her own face. "Yeah you do. Whenever James isn't with me, he's with you. Poor Pete's getting left out of the equation."

"I hate you."

He could definitely hear the smile now. He laughed morbidly. "Join the club."

"Sirius, I didn't mean..."

"It's fine, Lily. I know you don't mean it."

They laid there for a while, the silence having returned, and Lily started showing off her charms ability. First she made it rain, then snow, then produced birds that flew around the bed. She then used the same charm as the one used on the Great Hall ceiling to turn the canopy into the night sky. He started pointing out the different constallations, begrudingly revealing which stars shared the same names as his family members. It was after he'd talked about the Leo constallation, including the Regulus star that Lily got strangly quiet. It wasn't like before. It wasn't awkward. This time the quiet was sad. Sirius turned his head towards her and she kept her gaze firmly on the stars. He didn't ask what was wrong. Mostly because he didn't think she would tell him. When she turned her head to look at him, he watched a tear fall down her cheek.

"Can I ask you a question?" she asked.

"I feel like you're gonna anyway so sure," he replied.

"How does it feel to never see Regulus again?"

His chest tightened. "It... it hurts. He was innocent in the whole thing and now... why'd you ask?"

Lily shrugged. "Petunia. Everytime I go home, she makes some excuse to not be around. I think I saw her three times the entirety of summer. I know it's not the same thing but... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."

Sirius shook his head. "You're right, it's not the same. In my instance, I'm Petunia. I left Regulus behind. I decided never to see him again."

"I don't think you made a conscious choice to do that though. You decided to live. Regulus just happened to be where you couldn't stay that way."

"I suppose. Your sister has never liked magic though. At least not from what I heard from Marlene. She's making her choice to stay a muggle, the way my parents decide to remain purebloods. They're remarkably similar in that way. I think Petunia just doesn't see that it's wrong."

She tried to smile but she began to cry instead. Sirius, awkwardly tried to offer her a hug and she took it. He held her tightly until she pulled back. Even then, his arm stayed behind her shoulders and he resumed talking about the stars.

* * *

## Remus

He didn't want to move and it hurt to breathe. He could feel the fresh clawmarks over his ribcage and mentally swore at the moon. The transformations had been rough without a certain dog to keep him from injuring himself. Prongs and Wormtail tried, but Moony, as the werewolf had been so affectionately referred to, clearly wasn't that impressed with them. Peter also couldn't do much in the way of stopping him if he really tried to cause harm anyway. He was too small. Remus shifted on the bed, trying to find a position that didn't make him want to dismember himself, and wondered if he was completely delirious. He could have sworn that he could smell Sirius. 

He dragged his eyelids open and looked out at the hospital wing. There was nobody else around. Yet, as he tried to listen, he could hear breathing that wasn't his own and could definitely still smell Sirius.

"Either I'm delusional or you're somehow hiding," he said, his lung protesting. "Which is it?"

Sirius's face appeared while the rest of him stayed hidden. It took Remus far too long to realize he was under James's invisibility cloak.

"You really ran away, while stealing that thing, to sit in a very uncomfy chair?"

Sirius nodded. "Had to make sure you were alright. You are, aren't you? As much as you can be after that."

Remus didn't answer. Instead, he pulled back his blanket, shivering at the influx of comparatively cold air. Sirius discarded the cloak onto the chair and climbed into bed. Remus buried his head into Sirius's chest and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt hair being stroked.

"I hope you told..." Remus's warning got cut off by a yawn and Sirius laughed.

"Don't worry, Re. I left James a note. Go to sleep. You need to heal and recover."

Without having much choice, Remus did as he was told.

When he came back to consciousness, he was alone in the bed. For a moment he was concerned, but then he heard Sirius's voice a little ways away.

"Mr Black, we have had this discussion multiple times, on various different occasions. Mr Lupin needs sleep after the full moon and he doesn't need you distracting him," Madam Pomfrey snapped, keeping her voice low.

"Matron, not to sound disrespectful, but he is sleeping. As was I. He hates waking up alone after the moon. I don't quite see what the problem is," Sirius replied.

"The problem is, that not only is it past curfew and you should be in bed, but this is a place of healing, not socializing."

"I'm already here and you can't tell me that Remus heals faster alone. I won't believe you."

"Mr Black-"

"Also, unless you would like to wake James Potter up at what I can only assume is the crack of dawn, I can't leave. I've been instructed by Professor McGonagle to be with either him or Remus at all times. She's making sure I don't end up back here or in the ground. I can't leave until Remus does."

"If the rules were flexible enough for you to make the trip here unaccompanied, then they can be flexible enough for you to return to your dormitory. Don't try to outsmart me, Mr Black. I have far more years on you."

There was a brief silence where Sirius clearly tried to work his way out of leaving.

"Please, Madam Pomfrey. I swear that I'm just here to make sure he's alright and so that he sleeps properly. Please, let me stay," Sirius whispered, sounding astonishingly defeated.

Another brief silence. "Twenty points from Gryffindor."

Remus listened to footsteps walking away followed by quieter ones headed towards him. He opened his eyes as Sirius sat down on the chair. The idiot was lost in thought and looked so sad. 

"Pads, you alright?" 

Sirius looked up and frowned. "Go to sleep or she'll actually make me leave."

Remus lifted the blankets again and Sirius, after glancing towards the office, climbed in. He held Remus gently to his chest and stroked his hair. Remus was out before you could count to ten.

Leaning on Sirius as they walked back to the Gryffindor tower was peaceful. The other students were all in class so the hallways were quiet. Remus also hated to admit it but he needed the support, both mentally and physically. His leg felt stiff and unreliable while his brain was still being ridiculously overstimulated by the slightest of things. 

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered. "This probably wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't been stressed out over me."

"Pads, don't even try it," Remus replied. "It's common knowledge that my condition gets worse with age and time. Stop trying to blame yourself for things you don't control."

He made a noise of vague agreement as they started on the stairs towards the portrait. Remus didn't let go of Sirius's arm for a moment. The Fat Lady smiled at them.

"Password?"

"Leo Caelum," Sirius replied. 

The portrait swung out and they entered the common room. Remus had expected it to be empty so he couldn't hide his surprise when he saw Lily sat by the fireplace with various different piles of parchment in front of her. She looked up as they came in and frowned at Sirius.

"You really shouldn't have run off last night," she said.

"I left a note," Sirius replied, directing Remus over to one of the sofas next to her.

"James wasn't happy."

"James is rarely happy if I'm mentioned. You should have realized that last night."

"He's worried about you. That's all."

Sirius looked away, shuffling further from Remus than was necessary. Remus slumped into the cushions, trying to ignore the ache in his bones.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Remus asked.

Lily smiled at him. "Free period. It's somehow quieter in here than it was the library. Figured I'd study."

"You were also waiting for us to show up, weren't you?" 

She shrugged and picked up one of the parchment pieces. "You've been out of it for days. Can't hurt to help you go over it."

Remus agreed, taking the potions notes from her. Sirius sat on the far end of the sofa, staring into the fire. Something was bothering him again. Remus wanted to ask but knew that nothing would come of it in public and he really didn't want to take on the stairs. Lily handed him her astronomy notes and instantly noticed the details that were never covered in lesson. Details a certain animagus explained very well. Remus met Lily's brilliant gaze. 

"Haven't learnt that much in a long time," she said quietly. "It was interesting."


	11. Chapter 11

# Chapter 11

## Sirius

He and Remus were headed to the great hall for dinner when Lily, looking a little frazzled, ran up to them.

"Hey Sirius, could you hold this for a second?" she asked, holding out a fabric bag.

Sirius glanced at Remus and took it. "Sure."

Lily smiled, looking only mildly deranged, before taking off again. With a puzzled feeling, he peered into the bag and for the first time in a while, a smile crept onto his face.

"I do believe Lily Evans has been corrupted," he said to Remus, who looked very lost.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because this bag contains a wide variety of Zonko's products and at least half of them are about to go off."

Remus's eyes widened. "Put the bag down."

"What just leave it in the middle of the hallway?"

"Pads, we both know that those objects set each other off. It's going to be chaos. We need to leave."

When Sirius didn't react fast enough, Remus grabbed the bag and shoved it against the wall, before taking his hand and sprinting around the corner. Just like they used to, they found a cupboard and hid inside, locking it. Sirius's heart was racing, the adrenaline perking him up drastically. Remus pressed himself against the opposite wall and Sirius couldn't help but admire the flush in the werewolf's cheeks. Moments later, they listened to the panicked screams and shouts of unsuspecting students. Despite it not being his idea, Sirius couldn't help but laugh. Remus covered his mouth but it was obvious that he too found it amusing. 

The door opened and Sirius covered his mouth in attempt to control his laughter. Professor McGonagle was stood in the hallway, her face stern as always, wand lit so that she could see their faces. Remus looked down, trying to look as innocent as he was.

"Am I supposed to believe that the two of you being in a cupboard around the corner from that prank product explosion is a coincidence?" she asked.

Sirius inhaled deeply. "Yes Professor. For once it actually is a coincidence. We had nothing to do with that."

"Seriously, Professor. It was nothing to do with us," Remus chimed in.

"A likely story," she said. "Detention for you Mr Lupin. My office, tomorrow evening."

Remus looked up at him then at her. "Professor! Why only me?"

McGonagle smiled slightly at Sirius. "Take it as gratitude that Mr Black is in better spirits."

She walked away and closed the door as she left. Sirius burst back into laughter and Remus kicked him lightly in the shin.

"Glad one of us finds that funny," He grumbled, but he wasn't actually upset. 

Sirius looked at him. "I'm sorry. I can't make her give me detention for something I didn't do."

Remus shook his head, a strange smile playing on his lips. "It's alright, Pads. I agree that it's nice to see you feeling better."

His laughter died out as Remus leaned forwards and touched his cheek. He froze on contact and tried to work out what was happening. Remus's gaze flickered between his eyes and his mouth. Sirius reached up and covered Remus's hand. Whatever Remus had been thinking was broken and he leaned back against the wall again. Sirius tried not to be disappointed but didn't quite achieve it.

"We should go to dinner," he said quietly.

Remus nodded.

* * *

## Remus

He and Sirius walked into the great hall. They sat down beside Peter and opposite James and Lily. The two of them stared at Evans, waiting for an explanation. The prefect covered her face and laughed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I confiscated them from a third year but I didn't know what to do with them. Especially when I saw one of the clacker's about to go off. Did you get caught?"

Sirius snickered. "Technically, though Minnie only gave Remus detention."

James, looking highly amused by the situation, raised his eyebrows. "Why only him?"

"She liked seeing me happy. Doubt that will last though."

"Being happy or getting out of detention?" Remus asked quietly.

"Either."

They started to eat and Remus tried to ignore his own thoughts. He'd nearly kissed Sirius in that cupboard. He tried to work out whether he'd forgiven him but that didn't seem right. He couldn't even contemplate allowing his romantic feelings to reemerge when he hadn't forgiven him. They were only kinda friends still.

He glanced at Sirius and was met by knowing grey eyes. His kinda friend knew what he'd been thinking in the cupboard. Probably knew what he was thinking now. 

"Hey, James, you've got Quidditch practice tonight right?" Sirius asked. "Mind if I tag along? I'll behave myself."

Remus stared at the unwritten charms essay. He couldn't concentrate. How was he supposed to face Sirius again when they both knew what was going on. Lily sat down in the chair beside him and pressed her head into the table. He looked at her with a weak grin.

"And here I thought my problems were worse," he said, jokingly.

"Remus, I fell for James Potter. I win that contest," Lily replied, her words mumbled by the wood.

"I mean, I could have told you that was going to happen. It started last year."

"Don't make me hex you."

"What because I'm telling you the truth? Come off it, Lils. Why's it such a big deal?"

Lily sat up and scowled at him. "Because what if, when Sirius evens out a bit, James goes back to the arrogant prat he was before? You know, before the incident last year. I like who he is now. Not who he was. I just... why are feelings so bloody complicated?"

Remus laughed humourlessly. "Because they like to get in the way. For instance, I haven't forgiven Sirius yet but I wanted to kiss him in the cupboard after the bag of pranks went off. He knows it. I know it. I just... what the hell do I do, Lily?"

Lily put her head back down on the table and he knew exactly what she meant. 

Eventually, he wrote his essay and he walked with Lily back to the common room.

As Christmas began to approach, Remus watched as Sirius started to close off again. He also spent as much time with James as possible and he knew exactly why. If Sirius was with Remus, they would end up talking and he would feel the things he was avoiding. Despite knowing as much, Remus didn't try to change it. His own feelings were complicated and stupid. He should have done what he was supposed to and acted as emotional support, but he couldn't.

The next full moon arrived and Lily took on the temporary role of watcher again. He, James and Peter went to the shack. Remus resented how cold it was, especially when he turned back. The year before, Sirius had acted as a warming blanket by staying as Padfoot untill he was able to get up. Without him, it took triple the amount of time before he let James haul him to his feet, even with a blanket swaddling him.

Once in the hospital wing, he still couldn't warm up and continued to shiver even with the charmed blanket placed on him. Sirius arrived a lifetime after Remus had been admitted and was immediately concerned by how cold Remus was.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"M-missed having P-p-Padfoot," Remus replied, trying not to let his teeth chatter too much.

Sirius frowned and climbed onto the bed, pulling Remus against him tightly. It took a while, but eventually, the combination of charmed blanket and human-form Padfoot, Remus stopped trembling. Madam Pomfrey chose that moment to check on him and immediately went to move Sirius, who'd already fallen asleep.

"Please, let him stay," Remus said quietly. "He's keeping me warm."

The Matron deducted five points before leaving them to it. In his sleep, Sirius began to stroke his hair and Remus allowed unconsciousness to take over.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got trapped reading ATYD so I did nothing but that for the last fourty eight hours (not counting sleep). Apologies for the wait

# Chapter 12

## Sirius

They had one week. One week until he had to join James for Christmas. One week until he had to face the Potter's. Being a disappointment to his parents was one thing. He'd spent his entire childhood doing it deliberately. But to disappoint, the loveliest parents he knew... it was unacceptable. Yet also entirely unavoidable. Sirius had tried signing McGonagle's list to stay over the holidays but she wasn't having any of it. Not unless James or Remus stayed too. He wasn't going to make either of them miss out on Christmas with their families. So he had to suck it up and go back to the Potter's.

He woke up, gasping for air and covered in sweat. The nightmare was the same as before. Repeating his mistakes on a loop with his mother narrating it. He would never get relief from that bloody witch. Sirius couldn't help but think that even if he had died, she would have found a way to torment him in whatever came next. He sat up and scrubbed his eyes. The bad sleep probably had something to do with his curtains being drawn. It was stupid really, that after all the years they'd spent sharing a room, he still didn't want them to see him have a nightmare. Even used _muffillato_ to stop himself waking them. As quietly as he could, Sirius pulled one of the curtains aside. He wasn't expecting to be watched.

Remus was sat up in his bed, staring at him. With a glance around the room, he saw that James was awake too, not looking impressed. 

"You forgot the muffle charm," Remus said quietly. "You were screaming."

Sirius felt his face go red. He was sure he'd done the charm. 

"Sorry I woke you," he replied, looking over at Wormtail who was still out like a light.

"Technically, you only woke James. I was reading."

Sirius cleared the sleep from his eyes before going into the bathroom. Through the door, he could hear them whispering and he had to believe that screaming was all that came out. If he had voiced even half of the nightmare, they would likely send him to St Mungo's to be locked up. Or to the Ministry. Either way, he would have been headed somewhere with chains and bars.

Back in the room, Remus threw a jumper at him.

"Put it on," he said firmly.

Sirius threw it back. "We're not going out anymore. I'm not wearing your clothes."

"We both know it calms you down for whatever reason. Put the jumper on for Godric's sake!"

The offending article was launched back at him and Sirius glowered at Remus. They both knew the reason for it's calming properties and it worked both ways. Remus's theory the year before had been because of their "animal" alter egos and knowing that the other's scent meant safety. 

"Padfoot, I swear to Godric that if you don't put it on, I will force you to wear it until christmas!" James snapped, clearly having been woken from a nice dream.

He usually sulked if those got disturbed and they usually involved Lily in some way. Begrudgingly, Sirius put the jumper on and flopped back down on his bed, forcing the curtains closed again. He sat in the darkness and let Remus's smell calm him. He wanted to be annoyed. To rage at Remus for suggesting it when they shouldn't still have the desired effect for each other. Sirius was almost entirely sure that it wouldn't work on him. Remus didn't love him anymore. Not that Sirius could blame him for it. He didn't deserve it nor did he love himself.

Before he could even think about laying down, his curtains were being opened and Remus sat down beside him.

"It's only going to get worse if you keep avoiding me, Sirius," he whispered.

Sirius leaned against Remus's shoulder. The real thing had always worked better than the clothing.

The only reason Sirius had any control of his anxiety sitting on the Express back to King's Cross, was because he was leaning on Remus while wearing one of Remus's jumpers. He'd been told to keep it over the holidays. They hadn't spoken about anything substantial in weeks and Remus had been right. The nightmares were worse. His guilt, shame, rage and fear were almost unavoidable. They were building up inside him like water boiling inside a kettle. Only, he had no spout for the steam to escape. When Peter disappeared to find the trolley and James headed off to find the Evans, Sirius let his guard slip slightly.

"How am I supposed to face them, Re? After what I did when they were so nice to me... I don't know if I can look either of them in the eye."

Remus wrapped his arm around his shoulders. "Sirius, they're not going to blame you for what happened. You're not well. You also had to suffer through some intense torture. They're not going to judge you, Pads."

"What if they don't want to look after me anymore? I don't have anywhere else-"

"Sirius, if they did that, which they're not going to, then you can stay with me. I'm not going to let you be homeless and neither will my mother."

Peter returned, arms loaded with sweets. He threw some at them before diving into his selection. Remus handed Sirius a chocolate frog, with the silent demand for him to eat it. Sirius did as he was told. The card inside was Dumbledore and Sirius instantly handed it back to Remus. That was the last person he wanted to think about. He wasn't sure if Dumbledore had been informed about his stunt but he hadn't seen the headmaster since. What would he think about it? Would Sirius get expelled if the headmaster knew? Remus tightened his arm and Sirius tried to stop thinking.

On the platform, Sirius instantly spotted the two people he was about to disappoint, quickly followed by the one person he'd already disappointed. He tensed up and Remus followed his gaze.

"She's not going to do anything, Pads. Not again and definitely not in public," James said quietly. 

Peter had already headed off and James was stood in the doorway. Sirius knew he needed to get up. They couldn't stay on the train. His legs would not obey. Remus whispered something to James and his best friend headed out. Remus switched sides and deliberately blocked the view of the window.

"Sirius, listen to me," he said. "That psychopath isn't going to touch you again. The Potter's won't allow it. I won't allow it. You're safe from her. They disinherited you. Likelihood is, she won't even notice you exist. I promise you, she can't hurt you anymore."

He tried to focus on Remus's voice. Tried to block out his violent stream of emotions and thoughts. Tried to and failed. Instead of upsetting anyone, he met Remus's gaze.

"I'll be fine, Re. Let's go."

They disenbarked from the train and Sirius was wrapped up in a tight hug from Mrs. Potter. Before any of them said another word, Mrs Potter took his arm and James's before apparating away from the station.

* * *

## Remus

Remus watched the Potters and Sirius disappear before working his way through the crowd to find his parents. To his mild surprise, Lyall was the only one there.

"Your mother is unwell. Probably the flu," Lyall explained. "Now, Remus, I don't mean to pry but I was under the impression that you and Black had split up."

He shrugged. "We did. We still are. Sirius is just going through a lot right now."

"Hence the huggin on the train?"

"Friends hug each other all the time, Dad."

Lyall took Remus by the arm and took them home. 

For the first time in a while, Remus didn't want to be at home. He wanted to see his parents, but he mostly wanted to make sure Sirius stayed alive. Who knew what he could get up to in the space of two weeks. Lyall headed in straight away while Remus hesitated on the front lawn. Would James be alright with Padfoot by himself? Remus shook his head. He was being ridiculous. The Potter's would never allow Sirius to harm himself at their house and would undoubtedly be placing him under very strict watch. James would be fine. 

The next day, the Potter's owl flew into the kitchen and landed on the perch beside Hugo, their own little owl. Lyall took the letter from it and it flew straight back out the window without so much as a hoot. 

"It's for you, Remus," Lyall said, handing it over.

He took it up to his room.

**Hey Moony,**

**Sirius took himself to bed pretty much as soon as we got home. Came down for dinner but then went back up. I get the feeling that this is going to be a very long Christmas. How do I help him? My parents are at a loss too. They've already picked up that I can't do anything for him. I just... kinda wish you were here to be honest, mate. Sounds evil but he's better off with you right now. I know seeing that hag at the station freaked him out a bit but I just... I'm at a loss.**

**Please tell me something. Anything I can do to help him. Hiding in his room is only mildly better than drowning in firewhiskey.**

**Prongs**

Remus stared at the words until his eyes went blurry. He knew that Sirius would do something along those lines. He'd let his emotions build up inside again for too long. He was a balloon ready to burst. He didn't bother to write James back. There was nothing he could tell him that he didn't already know. At least, not without spilling all of Sirius's secrets and he wasn't going to do that. No matter what the relationship he had with Sirius was, he would never blab. He knew how much secrets being told hurt and how much damage they could do.

Hope poked her head around the corner later that day. She still seemed a little off colour but looked fine.

"How are you love?" she asked.

"I'm okay," Remus replied automatically. "Just... thinking."

"You do far too much of that, love. What's happened?"

Remus tried to hold it back, to keep his emotions in check, but they wouldn't listen. He'd been putting them on the back burner for too long now. Tears gushed down his face and Hope sat beside him, holding him tight. 

"Talk to me, pet."

So he did. He told her everything about the past term. About Sirius's attempt and his inability to regulate his emotions. About how he wanted to forgive him but couldn't work out how. How James couldn't help Sirius and the guilt that followed it. Hope held him tightly and didn't interrupt. When he finished rambling, they talked it through. They talked for hours. Right up until Lyall called them for dinner. 

As he walked down to the kitchen, he felt better. Venting and talking worked wonders. If only Sirius could manage it without being forced.


	13. Chapter 13

# Chapter 13

## Sirius

There was a knock on his bedroom door before it slowly opened.

"Sorry to wake you," James said quietly.

Sirius sat up on the bed, blinking at the intrustion of light. "I wasn't asleep. What's up?"

"Mum wants a word."

Sirius's stomach knotted. "Brilliant."

"She's down in Dad's office."

His hands began to shake. "Oh goodie. All the fun stuff happens in those."

James's face screwed up in disgust. "Pads, she's not going to do anything to you. She just wants to talk."

"Heard that one before too. Tell her I'll be down in a minute."

James shut the door and Sirius got off the bed. In the dark, he changed his clothes before putting Remus's jumper back on. It was slowly losing Remus's smell and being replaced by his own. He wasn't sure what he'd do when it finally did. When he stepped out onto the landing, James was waiting impatiently. He looked Sirius up and down, a crease forming between his eyebrows.

"Have you slept at all since we got home?" 

Sirius shrugged. Days and nights were a little blurry without school to break them apart. It wasn't like he deliberately didn't sleep. He just got nightmares every time he tried. James escorted him down the stairs and into the office at the back of the house. Mrs Potter was sat behind the desk, reading a potions book. She asked James to leave and close the door behind him. Sirius pulled his sleeves down over his hands to cover the shaking. Being alone in an office with a mother figure wasn't the greatest of experiences. Mrs Potter put the book down and steepled her fingers.

"Now then, Sirius, I'd like to talk to you," she said. "About what happened at the start of term."

Sirius nodded, abruptly not trusting his own voice. He stared at her hands, unable to look at her face.

"Monty and I, we were upset but not entirely shocked to recieve the owl from McGonagle, and we're both very glad that you were unsuccessful. It would have been a huge waste of a brilliant life. You are worth living, Sirius. I hope you know that."

He nodded again. The less he spoke, the less danger he was in. That had always been how it worked.

"How are you feeling now? It's been a couple of months since then. James tells me you've been sober for a long while as well."

Sirius finally looked at her face. "I mean this with all due respect, Mrs Potter, but I can't talk to you about this."

She smiled sadly. "I had a feeling that would be the case. You don't appear to talk to James about it either. Do you have someone to talk to? About any of it?"

He dropped his gaze down to the floor. "Remus. I talk to him about it. It just isn't fair on him. He has his own stuff to deal with."

"Indeed he does. I assume he's willing to talk to you about how you are?" Sirius nodded. "Well then. Unless you are forcing him to take on what you are feeling, there should be no guilt on your conscience. You're free to go. I hope in the future, you are able to come to me with anything. I won't judge you. Though I'm sure that is the opposite of what you were raised with. I just want you happy and healthy. You understand?"

Sirius nodded and walked out of the office as fast as he could. Lack of sleep and too many emotions didn't mix very well. James didn't try to stop him as he ran back to the darkness of his room. He couldn't do this. He couldn't stay here. They were too kind to him. He was being selfish. The candles started to ignite and die in rapid succession. He couldn't do this. It was too much. He didn't deserve any of it. James stepped into the room and handed him a glass vial. He didn't know what it was but he drank it anyway. His mind began to blank. It was a sleeping potion then. James dragged him over to the bed and left him flopped off the edge. 

Sirius no longer cared. He was being pulled into magic sleep. Magic sleep took care of all the badness inside him. All he saw was white fuzz.

* * *

## Remus

Lyall had to go to work the day after Remus got home so everything became entirely muggle. Bar the Potter's owl showing up again with another letter.

**Moony,**

**Had to knock Padfoot out with a potion. Said he hadn't slept since we got back. Four days of not sleeping. I dunno how he does it. Mum tried talking to him but he wasn't having any of it. I want to blame him but I can't. The old hag wasn't exactly the greatest of beginings for that. Just thought I'd let you know. Hope you have a great christmas. Will send you gifts soon.**

**Prongs**

Hope read the letter too and she seemed sadly unsurprised. She'd looked into muggle therapies and strongly suggested that Sirius had PTSD. She also said he was likely depressed. Remus didn't debate the theories. There was no point and she was probably right. She asked if there was nothing similar to therapy in the wizarding world but Remus just shrugged. He'd never heard of it and he would surely have been a prime candidate if there were. McGonagle and Pomfrey had both looked lost after Sirius's attempt. 

He and Hope were watching television when the fireplace lit up with green fire. Shortly after, Mrs Potter appeared. Hope was rather startled but Remus had almost anticipated it. 

"Sorry for the intrusion dear," Mrs Potter began. "But I rather require your son."

"It really isn't up to Remus to handle Sirius," Hope replied curtly. "He's got enough to deal with and is only a teenager himself. Perhaps you, as Sirius's guardian, should talk to him."

Remus groaned internally. "Mum, you've never met Sirius. He doesn't open up to people. The more you try, the more he fights it and pushes everyone away. The only way to _make_ him talk would be truth serum and that's just a violation."

Mrs Potter hid her grin well. "Mrs Lupin, if it could be another way, I would take that path. As it stands, I cannot have Sirius suffer the way he is. Would you, if it were your son?"

Hope gave in after that. She allowed Remus to go up until three days before the moon. He didn't mind the compromise and was very glad that Lyall wasn't around. The fight would have lasted a lot longer and possibly wouldn't have been won by Mrs Potter. After Remus had packed his essentials, he stepped into the fire with Mrs Potter and travelled by flue to Potter Manor.

James greeted him in the fireplace with a massive hug. He didn't say it but the gratitude was there. Remus just hoped Sirius would listen. The Potter's house elf took his suitcase and disappeared upstairs. James took him up too but not to his room. He opened the door to Sirius's room and vanished. A clear sign that he had no idea what to do with him. 

Remus walked in and found Sirius half hanging off the bed, dead to the world. He knew what it felt like to be under a sleeping potion. He'd been given it plenty of times prior to the Marauders becoming animagi. It helped with recovery. With a huff, Remus placed Sirius more fully on the bed before hopping onto the other side and sitting with him. It was almost pitch black minus the shaft of light coming from the door. He wasn't surprised that Sirius hadn't been sleeping if the room had been that dark the entire time. Sirius and dark, enclosed spaces didn't mix well if you expected him to sleep in it. The house elf passed by the door.

"Is Master Lupin in need of anything, Sir?" he asked.

"Could you light the candles please?" Remus replied.

"But of course, Sir."

With a simple click of his fingers, the candles around the room lit up, brightening the darkness by half. The elf asked if there was anything else and Remus shook his head. He turned to face Sirius and waited for the potion to wear off. He probably should have been bored but looking at Sirius, finally at peace, was remarkably calming.

James showed up after a while with a tray of sandwiches, biscuits and pumpkin juice. He didn't hang around and Remus wondered what he was doing to pass the time. He nibbled on some of the sandwiches but wasn't particularly hungry and set the tray aside for Sirius. 

As he watched his kinda friend sleep, he realized that he was the one in the way of forgiving him. If he forgave Sirius, then he ran the risk of getting hurt again. Letting Sirius get close again felt like asking for trouble. At least it would have been. He was a fast learner and he'd fucked up big time. Remus doubted that Padfoot would ever intentionally hurt him again, no matter what was done to him. Remus sighed.

"I forgive you, Padfoot."


	14. Chapter 14

# Chapter 14

## Sirius

Magic sleep only ever lasted so long. The fog started to to lift and he tried to fight it. Staying asleep was so much simpler. Eventually though, the potion faded away. He became aware that someone had lit the candles in the room, the light coming through his eyelids. If he'd been at Hogwarts, he would have waved his wand and put them out. As it were, he rolled over and planted his face into the pillow. 

"Sucks being taken away from dreamless sleep, doesn't it?" 

Sirius turned his head and half opened his eyes. Remus was sat beside him with a soft smile on his face.

"Moony?" he asked, momentarily forgetting that he wasn't supposed to call him that. "Why are you here?"

"Mrs Potter showed up in my fireplace. They're worried about you."

He shoved his face back into the pillow. Of course she'd collected Remus and dragged him away from his family. He caused everyone to suffer. Remus rolled him onto his side.

"You have to breathe, Pads."

Sirius grunted. Only because he was alive did he need to keep breathing. Remus rolled his eyes and laid down next to him.

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" 

He nodded, closing his eyes again. He needed to sleep. He didn't want to face the nightmares though. 

"You realize that laying in a pitch black room doesn't help, right? You've never been good at sleeping in the dark."

"Makes me feel like a bloody child. I shouldn't need a nightlight to be able to sleep."

"It's nothing to be ashamed about, Pads. I can't sleep with the moonlight on me. We both have trauma related to these things."

Sirius opened his eyes and looked at Remus. The werewolf was staring at the ceiling, probably memorizing the individual grains of wood on the beams going across it. He wanted to be held. He wasn't going to ask though. He didn't deserve it. Remus turned his head.

"I thought you wanted to sleep," he said quietly.

"I do," Sirius replied. "Just don't want... do you get nightmares, Re?"

Remus shrugged. "Sometimes. Used to get them more often."

"How do you make them stop?"

"I don't. Just wake up and remind myself that they're no longer real or never were in the first place. Sometimes it works, other times they go on for days."

Sirius said nothing. The thought of Remus having to deal with them too made him feel both better and worse at the same time. What benefit was there to having nightmares? They were just cruel and unusual punishment for no reason. 

"Want to know what my nightmares are about? Usually, they take form of the night Greyback bit me, though haven't had that one in a while. Others are about the worst full moons. The ones that hurt the most, the ones where I've gotten the closest to hurting someone."

Sirius felt his chest lurch. He was responsible for one of those nightmares. He was the reason Remus had almost killed Snape. He was the reason Snape knew for certain that Remus was a werewolf. His breathing became jagged and he was pulled into a tight hold before he could say a word. Remus didn't say anything else. Sirius focused on his heartbeat and let it calm him down. Before long, he was asleep again.

He woke up listening to a murmured conversation between Prongs and Remus. He, of course, was the topic in question. 

"The potion should have worn off ages ago," James said.

"It did. He went back to sleep," Remus replied. "He needed to sleep."

"Well Mum's calling us down for dinner. I'll leave you to wake him. You're both required to show up. Mum's words, not mine."

"Of course I'll be down."

"You're not the one she was hinting towards. I'm sorry you're stuck with him again. Mum shouldn't have-"

"If I hadn't wanted to come, I wouldn't be here, James. We'll be down in ten minutes."

Sirius listened to the door close and Remus rested his chin on his head. He wanted to go back to sleep but knew that he couldn't brush off dinner. It was rude. It didn't seem like Remus was all that bothered though because he didn't immediately try and get him up. Sirius was not going to be the one to pull away. Being held in Remus's arms gave him a sense of peace that had never been replicated. It was the smell of him, the tightness of his grip and... the trust he had in him. He knew that despite having been hurt by him, Remus would never sell him out like that. 

"Are you going to stop pretending to be asleep yet?" Remus asked quietly. "I've always known when you were doing that."

Sirius shook his head. If he opened his eyes, Remus would let go and he was selfish enough to want to keep him where he was. The bad things didn't hurt quite so much.

"You need to eat, Pads. I'm also pretty sure Mrs Potter would drag us out of here if we tried to skip dinner."

"I'm not hungry."

"That's a lie. You barely eat these days but I'm ninety percent sure it's not because you're not hungry. Why don't you want to eat?"

He shrugged. "What's the point?"

"In eating? Because you're alive, Sirius. Eating, sleeping, drinking. They're all major requirements to sustain a life."

He said nothing. The reality seeped into the silence and Remus tightened his grip. The not sleeping wasn't intentional. The not eating was. He couldn't see the point in eating food that could easily keep someone alive that deserved it. He didn't. He was a screw-up. A failure. A disappointment. What value to society did that have? What purpose did it serve to maintain something like that?

"Sirius, I need you to hear what I'm about to say and listen very carefully. You deserve to live. Whatever bullshit that your mother has inserted into your brain is lies. You are brilliant. You're intelligent. You're incredibly good looking. You pass tests without trying because of how clever you are. Sure, you're rather arrogant and definitely impulsive, but nobody is perfect. Not even you."

"I'll be nothing but a Black yet not one by anything but name, Remus. I've disappointed everyone. I caused so many people so much pain. Why bother keeping that alive when all I seem to do is repeat it again and again."

"Because you made mistakes, you think you're done for? If that's the case then I _am_ screwed. If a pureblood like you can't get anywhere in life then a half-blooded werewolf certainly won't. Thanks for letting me know. I'll skip going back to Hogwarts if that's the case. Take my chances in the muggle world."

Sirius shook his head. He couldn't picture having no Moony in his dorm room or having nothing to do with him. He also knew he would never survive in the muggle world trying to find him again. Remus had to go back to Hogwarts.

* * *

## Remus

It took several minutes but eventually, Sirius let go and rolled off the bed. Remus did the same and watched with mild curiosity as Sirius removed the jumper he was wearing and handed it to him. He stared at him but Sirius didn't give an answer before leaving the room. Remus followed him out and saw him go into the bathroom. He folded the jumper he'd been given and caught on to why he'd been given it. It smelt like Sirius. He shrugged it on while waiting for Sirius to come out. When he did, his face was damp. He'd clearly cleaned his face but it didn't cover up the dark circles beneath his eyes or the shallow indents in his cheeks. He looked rough. They walked downstairs together and joined James and Mrs Potter around the dinner table.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. James asked where his dad was and Mrs Potter explained that he'd been called away on important business. The food itself was delicious. Cottage pie with various side dishes. If it were a normal meal, Remus would have thouroughly enjoyed it. As it were, he could feel the eyes on Sirius and could see that Sirius was picking at his serving rather than eating. They needed a distraction. 

Remus caught James's eye, offered him an apologetic smirk before saying,

"So how's it going with Evans?"

James's face blushed harder than he'd ever seen and Mrs Potter was instantly intrigued.

"I... there's nothing going on," James spluttered, a look of betrayal in his eyes.

"Who's Evans, James?" Mrs Potter asked.

"No one Mum. Honestly."

"She's the girl James has been pining over since second year," Remus added helpfully. 

The distraction worked as Mrs Potter began interrogating her son about the girl. Sirius glanced at him and smiled gratefully. Remus lowered one of his hands below the table and took Sirius's from out of his lap. James shot him a dirty look and Remus knew there would be hell to pay later. It was worth it though. Sirius began eating with a little more vigour and, presumably, James noticed.

When Mrs Potter was done interrogating James- it finished with the strong suggestion that he should invite her over for Christmas- the attention turned on Remus, who tried not to tense.

"So, Remus, what about you?" she asked. "Any girls at school take your fancy?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I'm not really interested in girls as more than friends." It was only a small lie.

Mrs Potter looked a little taken aback but she soon recovered. "I see. Any lads, then?"

Sirius squeezed his hand sympathetically. "No. I'm not really interested in dating anyone. It's not really the right time, what with school and the hardening war. I'll save it for later."

They all knew where the attention was headed next and Remus watched the colour drain from Sirius's face. As a pureblood, he was expected to marry and produce the next generation. Homosexuality was heavily frowned upon. He squeezed Sirius's hand and looked at James, who just shrugged. He knew his mum wouldn't treat him any differently and was confident about it. 

"How about you, Sirius?" Mrs Potter asked. "Anyone hold your attention?"

"Not at the moment," Sirius replied.

"Understandable. How about before?"

He just shook his head and tightened his grip on Remus's hand. James, finally catching on to what was happening, started going on about school and quidditch. 

When they'd had dessert, Sirius was the first to abandon the table followed a little more slowly by Remus and James. They walked upstairs together in uncertain silence to find Sirius stood in the middle of his room staring at the wall. His hands were shaking. 

Remus took a cautious step towards him.

"Are you okay, Pads?" he asked.

"I didn't even think about it, Re. I didn't even take that into consideration. It's just another thing I've failed at," Sirius replied, turning around slowly.

"What is?"

"I'm a fucking fa-"

James rushed him and clamped a hand firmly over his mouth before he got the slur out. 

"Enough! You not being into girls in no way makes you a fucking failure and I won't have you say it. Ever," he snapped. "You understand?" 

Sirius glared at him but didn't try to fight him off. Remus stood where he was, waiting for one of them to give in. It was a battle of wills and he agreed with James. Being gay wasn't a flaw or an error in genetics anymore than being straight was a benefit. It just was. There was no controlling it or changing it. Several minutes passed with the two of them staring each other out, unwilling to concede, before Sirius rolled his eyes and nodded. James let go only to crush him in a massive hug. Sirius stared at Remus, looking oddly confused, for several seconds before hugging his best friend back. Remus sat down on the bed and looked around the room. He knew that James was loaded but seeing all of the stuff put it in perspective as to just how rich he was. In theory, Sirius would fit in well at the Potter's. The only difference between the two families was how they percieved the rest of the world. 

James had been given everything, including love and acceptance, while being taught to value everyone as equal. Sirius had been given monetary value from the day he was born. He'd been expected to marry a cousin to maintain blood purity and to reproduce new purebloods. He'd been taught to hate the world if it didn't benefit him in a significant way. He'd been dealt with a vile stack of cards that led to a terrible childhood of torment and torture, but Sirius had taken it all on and come out the other side a stronger man. If he could just deal with the emotions he'd hidden away for years, he'd become a brilliant adult. James left the room and Sirius sat down beside him.

"I... Remus, how do I stop being afraid?" he asked quietly.

Remus felt his chest tighten. "I think that would depend on what you're afraid of."

"Walburga. I can't get it out of my head that she'll come looking for me and take out her revenge for destroying the family honour. She narrates my fucking nightmares. I just... she's never going to leave me alone. I can't get away from her."

The surge of rage and protectiveness consumed him. It riled up the wolf, despite it being well over a week until the full moon. Remus pulled Sirius against him, as if he could shield him from the concept of the old hag.

"Pads, I swear to you that Walburga is never going to lay a hand, or a hex, or a curse on you ever again. I will protect you from her, no matter what. So will James, so will the Potter's. Fuck it, I'm sure Lily would also say the same if she knew what happened to you. You are safe from her, Pads. I promise."

Sirius started to shake then sob and Remus held him as tightly as possible. 


	15. Chapter 15

# Chapter 15

## Sirius

Despite having his own room, Remus insisted upon staying with him and he couldn't think of a reason to make him leave. Didn't really want him too either. Having Remus nearby meant that Walburga's voice in his head was quieter and he could believe Remus's promise that she was gone for good. 

They'd said goodnight to Mrs Potter and an hour later, Remus rolled out of bed, his face glowing in the candlelight. He had a strange grin on his face.

"Come on, Pads," he said quietly.

"Come on where? Lights out remember?" Sirius replied, frowning at the werewolf.

Remus rolled his eyes and silently gestured for him to get up. Feeling confused, Sirius got out of bed and followed him. They padded across the landing and down the stairs. Mr Potter was working in his office and they had to quickly change routes. At the back door, Linny, the Potter's elf, handed Remus a thick blanket and Sirius two winter cloaks. They slipped out the door and Sirius tried to ignore how cold the ground was beneath his socked feet. 

"Re, what the hell are we doing?" he asked at a whisper.

Remus turned to face him, the odd grin still on his face. "We're going to stargaze."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Stargaze? It's December and it's freezing."

"So put your cloak on."

He bent down and laid the blanket on the patio before stepping onto it and sitting down. Sirius, reluctantly followed suit with the added edition of wrapping himself in one of the cloaks. Remus took the other one from him and wrapped himself up before laying down to stare at the sky. Sirius lay beside him and let himself be mesmerized by how clear the sky was. He quickly found the dog star then the wolf star. He made sure not to react when Remus took his hand. He couldn't work out what Remus was doing. He'd succeeded in getting him out of his room but that wasn't really a difficult task.

"Hey Pads, I should probably tell you," Remus said after a long bout of silence. "I forgive you for the incident. Technically I forgave you earlier but you were asleep and didn't hear me say it."

Sirius turned to look at him only to meet hazel eyes already staring at him. 

"Why would you do that?" he asked, his voice barely more than a choked whisper.

"Because you've suffered enough. You fucked up immensely, I'm not saying you didn't, but I also know that you sincerely regret it. Besides, holding onto hate is just too much effort."

He couldn't have explained the waves of emotion that overtook him if he tried. Tears sprung in his eyes and Remus pulled him closer. He sobbed into Remus's chest until his entire body was numb from the cold, at which point, they went to bed.

The next day, Sirius woke up, curled in Remus's arms, and listened to the conversation outside his bedroom door. 

"James, can you explain why they are in the same bed as opposed to separate bedrooms?" Mrs Potter asked calmly.

"Mum, they've always been close. Sirius gets nightmares and having someone next to him seems to help. He's shared a bed with me several times," James replied.

It wasn't technically a lie. Just an exaggerated truth. Sirius had shared a bed with James when they'd both gotten drunk at the fourth year Quidditch celebration. He couldn't think of another time.

"Did he also _cuddle_ with you?"

"I don't remember. It was a while ago. All I have to say is, I'm glad he's sleeping. Maybe it will help him get out of whatever is going through his head."

"James, I'm going to be very blunt. Is Sirius gay?"

His stomach dropped as he waited for James to respond. He wasn't ready to come out publically. Gryffindor knew he was hyper-affectionate with the Marauders, and they knew he'd dated Remus. What would Mrs Potter think? Would she kick him out? She'd seemed fine with Remus but he didn't live under her roof. His breath started to lose it's rhythm and he clearly woke Remus. He looked into his eyes and tried not to panic. Remus had promised to take him in if the Potter's kicked him out. 

"That's not really any of my concern, Mum. I've never asked. Does it make a difference either way?"

Another brief pause.

"No, I suppose it doesn't. Though I would like to know."

"It makes no difference if he's gay, mum. Sirius is Sirius. He's a massive flirt with everyone, regardless of that. Only people he won't flirt with is Slytherins and I'm sure you can work out why."

Footsteps out on the landing and Sirius pressed his head into Remus's chest. He could kiss James for his ability to skip over a subject without avoiding it completely. Remus silently played with his hair and he shuddered with relief. At least he didn't have to tackle that problem just yet.

* * *

## Remus

Over the following days, Sirius slowly opened up. It was never massive revelations, but tiny pieces of information and subtle releases of emotion. He was sleeping better and eating with them at meals without much prompting. As he got a little better, Mrs Potter stopped watching him whenever they were in the same room. Lily arrived the night before Christmas and became the centre of attention, much to her chagrin. Sirius smiled and asked about her family, Petunia in particular. Remus was surprised at how much their relationship had changed but couldn't help but be happy about it. James seemed to feed off the positive energy and returned to his rubber ball self. 

Lily had brought with her an enchanted record player and some records. Sirius was immediately intrigued and spent a solid twenty minutes trying to figure out how they worked. When Lily finally got him to put it on the player, Remus instantly recognized the sounds of Wizzard. James was fascinated by music but automatically joined Lily when she asked him to dance. Sirius eventually pulled himself away from the muggle technology and stood in front of Remus, a shy smile on his face.

"Would you like to dance, Remus?" he asked, offering his hand in what he presumed was a noble manner.

"You know I don't dance, Sirius. I don't have the coordination for it," Remus replied.

Sirius's smile faltered. "Just once. Because it's Christmas eve."

Remus rolled his eyes and took Sirius's hand. Lily cheered when they joined in the terrible dancing. Despite his reservations about dance, Remus ended up enjoying himself as he twirled Sirius around. They switched partners when the song changed. Lily paired with Sirius, while Remus was with James. Then they switched again to make sure everyone had danced with each other. By the time they'd reached the end of the record, Mrs Potter called them all in for dinner. When Sirius sat down beside him, he was genuinely smiling for the first time in a while.

When they went to bed, Sirius fell asleep in a heartbeat.

James woke them all up on Christmas day running around like a five-year-old. Sirius groaned and hid his face when the curtains were opened but Remus just laughed. He loved Christmas. Outside, it had snowed and everything was white making it all appear brighter. Lily woke Sirius up properly by tickling his feet. He let go of Remus and scowled at the red head. Despite his grouch, Remus was glad. It meant that Sirius was more himself again. The other two seemed to understand as well and shrugged off his mood.

Around midday, Peter and his parents showed up, bearing gifts and festive greetings. Sirius, like a bloodhound, noticed when the adults broke out the alcohol. Remus held his breath, praying that it didn't cause his sobriety to slip. He accidentally caught Lily's gaze and she looked a little concerned too. Distraction came in the form of Lily's parents showing up in the fireplace along with Mr Potter. Sirius offered Lily a sympathetic glance when they informed her that Petunia had opted to visit her boyfriend instead. 

Just before dinner was served, Hope and Lyall arrived via flue. Remus didn't know how to feel about it. On the one hand, it meant he got to spend christmas with his family and Sirius at the same time. However, it also meant that Lyall would be scrutinizing any affection he showed towards Sirius. His father barely accepted that he was bisexual and had been more pleased than he should've been about his breakup. Sirius, having likely felt Lyall's gaze on him, moved away from him and towards James, who was more than happy to grab him in a bear hug.

After they'd eaten, it was time for presents. They gathered around in the living room, the kids all sitting on the floor while the adults had the chairs. The Potter's went first. James gave him a dozen books with a chocolate frog attached to each one. Sirius gave him a charmed quill that filled itself with ink. He gave Sirius a polaroid camera which had been charmed to never run out of paper. 

More socializing occured between the adults and Remus was stood by the back door, away from the noise. The moon was slowly creeping into him and the wolf had noticed all of the people around it. Sirius joined him and they stood in companionable silence. It was as Remus stared out the window that he had an idea about how to help Sirius.

He quickly disappeared into the throng of adults and pulled Lyall aside.

"Dad, I want to stay here for the moon," he said as quietly as possible while still being heard.

Lyall shook his head immediately. "Not going to happen. It's too dangerous."

"I mean in the forest. There's plenty of it. I'll get one of the Potter's to take me into the middle and leave me there. It's winter and Christmas. People won't be in the woods."

"Remus, be reasonable. If you hurt someone it's on-"

"Me. If I hurt someone, it falls on me. I don't want to be locked up again. The wolf hates it and I've got enough scars to last me a lifetime. Please."

At first, Remus thought he would object. His father was rarely a conceding man, yet, whether by a christmas miracle, too much alcohol or just feeling guilty, he nodded his head.

"Fine. But on your own head be it."


	16. Chapter 16

# Chapter 16

## Sirius

As the celebrations drew to a close, Sirius watched Lily and her parents disappear in green fire. Remus's dad said his farewells before taking Hope by the arm and vanishing. Peter's parents walked out the front door and it was just the Potter's, Remus and him left. He wasn't surprised at the relief he felt. He'd always hated mass gatherings. He flopped into the armchair and closed his eyes. The quiet was a relief compared to the noise beforehand. Remus sat down on the sofa with a sigh.

"Dad's letting me stay here for the moon," he said.

Sirius opened his eyes and shot a glance towards the kitchen where the Potter's were, as a family, doing the dishes by hand. He looked back at Remus.

"You know James can't join you, right? He'd never sneak out and I strongly doubt that he's told them what he is."

Remus smiled. "I was actually hoping that you'd join me."

His heart stopped. Was he being serious? He opened his mouth but nothing came out. Remus laughed.

"A christmas miracle. Sirius Black is speechless." He stopped smiling. "Moony misses Padfoot. I don't think Prongs or Wormtail really cut it for him. They're animal and they're pack, but they're very different from him. Padfoot isn't."

Sirius shook his head. "You actually want me to join you?"

"I wouldn't have said anything otherwise. I told you. You're forgiven. It means you can join me again."

He couldn't help but stare. He had to wonder if it was a prank. That Remus was just fucking with him to get a reaction. He studied the werewolf's face and couldn't see any deception. His mind flashed images of the incident and he cringed. Why would he want him back? He was a bastard. Remus's arms were around him, holding him tight.

"Padfoot, you need to forgive yourself," he whispered. "Do that and you might not feel quite so much pain."

Sirius still hadn't agreed to join Remus on the full and he couldn't explain why he was so reluctant. He wanted to go. Padfoot missed his Moony, but he couldn't feel like it was just another way to try and make Sirius better. He found it almost impossible to believe that Remus had actually forgiven him, that he was willing to put the past behind them. He couldn't help but think that if he were mentally stable that none of it would ever be happening. He finished brushing his teeth and went to his bedroom. 

Remus was lying on the bed, fiddling with his new quill. Sirius closed the door behind him and looked at the floor.

"Would you be letting me join you if I wasn't such a screw up?"

He couldn't look at the werewolf. He didn't deserve forgiveness. He didn't deserve kindness. He was broken and he broke everyone around him. _Waste of space!_ He heard the bedsprings as Remus sat up but still neither of them spoke. Sirius crossed his arms and forced his head up. 

"Sirius, you're not a screw up. Did I forgive you faster because you're struggling? Probably. Would I have gotten over it eventually? Yeah. You're my best friend, Pads. I could never stay pissed off with you forver."

He chewed on his lip, contemplating the words, before sighing. "I guess I'm joining you on the full moon then."

The door flew open. Mrs Potter looked horrified.

"You most certainly will not."

Sirius stared at the floor. He had no idea how to explain anything without exposing Remus or outing himself as an illegal animagus. Mrs Potter didn't appear to be letting up, despite it closing in on midnight. What was he supposed to say? He clasped his hands behind his back. Staying silent was the only option he had. 

"Sirius, explain to me why you think following Remus on a full moon is a clever idea?" 

He shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm referring to the notion you appear to have wherein it's safe to follow a lycanthrope into the woods on a full moon."

His head had never snapped up so fast. How did she know? Had she worked it out by herself? Who had told her? His hands shook as he caught James peeking out of his door. He'd told her. Sirius looked Mrs Potter in the eye.

"It is safe, Mrs Potter. I've done it several times before. The wolf enjoys my company."

"I know enough about lycanthropy to know that's a total lie. In wolf form, they feast on humans. It is their nature. Are you insinuating that you're not human?"

Sirius looked down again, gritting his teeth. "Of course I'm human. It's just.. I... Mrs Potter, I don't want to tell you why it's safe for me because the reason is illegal."

Mrs Potter tutted. "And I suppose you think I'm going to alert the aurors? Perhaps march you into the ministry first thing in the morning?"

He said nothing. That wasn't his concern at all. Breaking the law had consequences. It just wasn't him he was afraid to bring them down upon. When he looked up at her again, her expression had softened.

"If there is a way in which you can assist Remus when he's forced to suffer _and_ guarantee your safety, I'm all for it. He deserves companionship throughout his agony."

Sirius sighed. "I became an animagus last year. The wolf isn't aggressive towards me in animal form. They're friends."

Mrs Potter blinked a few times before raising an eyebrow and walking over to James's bedroom door. She pushed it open and crossed her arms.

"I don't suppose you've ever done anything illegal in the last year?" she asked.

"Of course not, mum. Why would you ask that?" James replied.

"Not even to assist Remus?"

James poked his head out the door. "You told her?!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. Mrs Potter cleared her throat, recapturing James's attention.

"Yes mum. I'm also an animagus. We couldn't just leave Remus to suffer."

"I understand that and I commend you for your loyalty, however, are you both aware of the ramifications? Should any ministry officials discover your truth then you will be harshly punished."

"It's why I didn't want to tell you," Sirius said quietly. "I didn't want to put you at risk too."

Mrs Potter sighed. "Thank you, Sirius, but I am fully capable of taking care of myself."

Sirius shook his head. Not only was Remus exposed as a werewolf but he was now a criminal. Somehow, he felt even worse than before. Mrs Potter bid them goodnight. Once she was safely in her room, Sirius glared at James. He'd betrayed Remus's secret. James just shrugged.

"I don't keep secrets from them, Pads. They were never going to do anything about it anyway."

Before he could release his rage, Sirius stalked into his bedroom.

Remus was sitting up and frowned as he entered the room. His anger didn't sustain itself and his entire body was shaking. He needed to apologize. Not just for him but for James. They were terrible friends. He walked over to the bed and let Remus pull him close.

"I'm sorry," he croaked. "James told Mrs Potter about you. I just, we're fucking terrible friends Remus. You deserve so much better."

"It's alright, Pads. I'll be having words with James in the morning but for now, just relax. You need to sleep."

He didn't know if the shaking stopped before he fell asleep or at all. He just hoped that Remus wasn't disturbed by it.

* * *

## Remus

Sirius clung to him in his sleep and he wasn't surprised. James was a massive hypocrite. When he woke up in the morning, he let Sirius stay asleep. They were both comfortable and Remus liked having him beside him. He knew he was safe then. The door opened a crack and James's face appeared. He scowled at his friend as he stepped into the room. 

"You told your mother?" Remus hissed. "When did you do that exactly?"

James looked sheepish. "Easter holidays after finding out."

Remus forced himself to control the anger that flooded out of him. "So what, you think it's okay for you to share my condition but not for Sirius? You wanna act all high and mighty when he did? Do you realize the level of hypocrisy?"

"Telling my mum didn't endanger anyone's life. She was never going to tell the world what you are."

"I don't fucking care! You're a fucking hypocrite James. Don't bother joining me on the full."

James opened his mouth to protest before leaving the room. There was nothing he could say to make up for what he'd done. Remus wasn't that bothered by Mrs Potter knowing; she was a nice enough woman. What he couldn't stand was seeing him go off at Sirius for something he'd already done. Secret keeping was one thing, hypocrisy was another.

Mrs Potter apparated them into the forest two hours before moonrise. Remus was already twitching, his energy levels through the roof. When Mrs Potter disappeared, Sirius looked around, looking anxious. Remus took his hand and met his eyes.

"It's gonna be fine, Pads," he said gently.

"You're about to break and reform every bone in your body to turn into a creature that wants humans dead. We also have no idea how Moony is going to react to Padfoot. They've been separated for a while now," Sirius snapped.

Remus didn't take it personally. "Padfoot will be fine. Then he and Moony will get to run, relatively free, for the first time in a while. It'll be fun."

Sirius clearly didn't believe him but sat down with him in the snow. They were both wearing enchanted cloaks to keep them warm and Remus hoped he didn't destroy his. 

As the moon rose higher in the sky and the transformation took over, Sirius unclipped his cloak and gently laid it on the floor before turning into Padfoot.

_Moony sniffed the air. He didn't know this place. It was cold and open. He was free. Movement to the side. He snarled. The black one laid on the ground whining. His friend was back. He looked around for the big one and the tiny one. They were nowhere to be seen. The black one stood and nuzzed his throat. Moony huffed before body slamming his friend. The black one barked and bowed. Playtime. They chased each other, ran through the trees. They wrestled. They howled at the sky. Moony hunted a rabbit and ate it all, growling at the black one. His friend didn't eat the rabbit. He never ate when they hunted. The sky got light and Moony got tired. He followed the black one through the trees, back to where they'd started. He laid down on the warm human clothing. Padfoot laid down beside him, licking his cheek. He didn't want to say goodbye to his friend. He wanted to stay. He fell asleep._

Remus returned to his body, shivering and in pain. Every muscle ached and his joints felt rusted. Padfoot laid beside him, offering his fluffy warmth. He'd have to get up soon and get home. He didn't want to do that. He wanted to sleep. He drifted between consciousness and knew that Padfoot would never let anyone hurt him. Suddenly there was a warning growl and Remus tried to wake up.

"Relax, Padfoot," James grumbled. "It's just me."

James's face appeared above him and he knew it was time to get up. Padfoot had helped his joints recover a little bit. The dog moved away and James helped him back into the cloak, covering his nudity. He was hauled to his feet and he leaned heavily on James.

"You staying like that or what?" James asked. 

Padfoot gave him a grouchy bark. Remus understood. He was too tired to turn back when they had to walk who knew how far back to the house. They walked in silence, the only sounds coming from their breathing and footsteps. Remus struggled to stay awake and James kept staggering under his deadweight. The snow didn't help. After they'd walked for miles, or maybe only a few feet, Mrs Potter greeted Padfoot.

"Padfoot I assume. Can I apparate with you in that form?"

Remus didn't hear the response, if there was one. He felt the twisted suction of magical teleportation before he was forced to walk up stairs. His body protested from exhaustion. He was pushed onto a bed.

"Any injuries, Remus?" Mrs Potter asked.

He shook his head. Padfoot whined. He rolled over and tapped the bed.

"Padfoot, up."

The dog joined him on the bed and he passed out seconds later.

Remus was jostled awake by Sirius turning back into his human form. He opened his eyes and saw the exhaustion on Sirius's face. Months of not joining Moony had clearly left their mark. Instead of speaking, Remus draped his arm over Sirius back and felt him shuffle closer. They held each other and drifted off to sleep again. 

They were woken by James opening the door.

"Either of you plan on getting up in the next twenty-four hours?"

Sirius grunted and Remus shook his head. The candles flickered as the door was closed again. Remus buried his face in Sirius's hair and let his eyes close.


	17. Chapter 17

# Chapter 17

## Sirius

He rolled away from Remus and tried to ignore the stinging gash on his shoulder. Moony had gotten far too into their games and he'd been caught by his claws. Sirius wasn't about to tell Remus though. He always freaked out if he found out that he'd hurt any of them, no matter how many times he'd been told that he wasn't Moony. He sat up and checked that the werewolf was still knocked out before quietly getting off the bed and into James's room. He was writing a letter when Sirius closed the door.

"Prongs, Remus caught me last night," he said quietly.

James stood up and waited for Sirius to show him. He removed his shirt and James hissed. The scratch was long, stretching from the length of his shoulder blade and slightly onto his chest.

"I'm gonna have to tell mum. We can't do magic outside school," James whispered.

Sirius shook his head. "Just patch it up will you. It'll heal on its own."

"Sirius, it could get infected."

"And we'll deal with that if it happens. Please, just patch it up."

Reluctantly, James agreed and they locked themselves in the bathroom. Sirius sat on the bath while James dug through the first aid kit. The antiseptic stung more than the cut itself. When he was all bandaged up, James looked him in the eye.

"I will be checking on it because as soon as it looks even slightly infected, I'll be dragging you to mum or Madam Pomfrey, whichever one is available."

Sirius rolled his eyes and went back to bed. Thankfully, Remus hadn't woken up in his absence. As he laid down, he thought about why he didn't want the cut to be magicked away as though it had never happened. He deserved it. It was the consequence for breaking Remus's trust and for exposing his secret to their archrival. It was a warning to never do it again. He'd earnt the pain.

Sirius stared at the ceiling. He was still exhausted from running around with Moony but he couldn't sleep. Didn't really want to. Using Remus as a shield from his nightmares while he was recovering from his furry problem felt wrong. It was wrong. He shouldn't have started using him as a shield at all. _A pathetic little boy, aren't you? Placed in a house that values bravery and yet you're the biggest coward ever. Face me like a man!_ He shook his head. Walburga wasn't around. She was somewhere in London with her perfect son and proper husband. She was far, far away. _I'll never go away, Sirius. I will ensure that you are punished for your crimes against the noble house of Black._ He glanced at Remus. He was trying so hard to fix him. Trying so hard to be a mature person who could handle his bullshit. It wasn't fair. He had his own emotions to deal with. Sirius rolled off the bed and stood by the window, stepping between the curtains and letting them fall again behind him. It was beautiful at Potter Manor. Acres of open land that filled with flowers and birdsong in the summer. Covered in snow and naked trees in winter. He wanted to stay forever but he knew that was selfish. The Potter's didn't need him burdening their lives. He would find somewhere else to go. Maybe spend the Easter holidays as Padfoot and sleep in Hogsmeade. He could probably do the same in the summer. 

"How long have you been awake?" Remus asked, his voice hoarse.

"Not sure. You okay?" Sirius replied, stepping away from the window. 

Remus shrugged. "Same as always. Padfoot definitely helps."

"Glad to be of service."

"You eaten yet?" 

Sirius shook his head. He was remarkably unhungry considering the amount of running around they'd done. Remus got off the bed, moving a little gingerly, and headed towards the door. Sirius followed because he knew that Remus would cause a fuss if he didn't and the werewolf needed to eat.

They headed downstairs and Mrs Potter looked up from her knitting, with a sympathetic smile.

"Are you hungry, Remus?" she asked.

"A little," Remus replied.

"I thought you might be. Linny has some food made for you both in the kitchen."

Remus thanked her and they both sat down at kitchen table. The elf served them what was essentially, a full English breakfast with additional chicken for Remus. Sirius ate his food without excitement while Remus wolfed his down. He watched Sirius with a dubious expression. When they were done, they headed back up to Sirius's room.

"What's in your head, Sirius? You're thinking so hard I can hear it."

Sirius shook head head and sat down on the bed. "It's nothing, Re. Stop trying to deal with my problems. You turned into a wolf last night. Put yourself first for once."

Remus sat beside him. "Pads, I will turn into a werewolf once a month for the rest of my life. I've got plenty of time to deal with it."

"You can't fix me, Remus."

"Well obviously. That would require you to be broken and you're not."

Sirius didn't reply. How could someone so smart be so utterly clueless? He was broken a long time before they'd even met. 

* * *

## Remus

Sirius had taken a step back from whatever point he'd been at. He'd gone back on himself. Remus wanted to be frustrated but knew it was pointless. Mental recovery was a long haul battle and, given that it was just the two of them trying to fight it, it was undoubtedly going to take a long time. Especially when he was going to have to leave.

"Pads, I have to go back to my parents for new years. Dad insisted on it," he said solemnly.

Sirius shrugged. "Of course you do. Mrs Potter shouldn't have dragged you away from your family over the holidays anyway."

"You are my family, Sirius. You always will be."

He shook his head and looked at him with a grim smirk on his face. "Being friends doesn't make me family."

Remus frowned. "No. It doesn't. But you are my family, Padfoot. So are James and Peter. You're pack. We're family. I'm sure the Potter's would agree."

"I'm just their charity case. Remus, you should go be with your family. I'll be fine. I'm always fine."

"No. You're really not."

Sirius just shrugged and flopped backwards. He closed his eyes and Remus got the hint. He wasn't in the mood to talk. Probably because he hadn't slept enough.

Remus got up and headed into James's room where he was playing chess by himself. He looked up when the door opened and frowned.

"You have the, I'm stuck and can't figure out what to do face, going on," he said. "What's up?"

Remus sat down beside him and watched as James's opposition peices moved of their own accord.

"Dad enchanted it so I didn't need anyone else to play with," James explained.

"He's shutting me out again," Remus said softly. "Completely. Did something happen last night that you don't want to tell me?"

James focused on his chess game but didn't make a move. Something had happened. Moony had injured Sirius. Remus held his face in his hands.

"It wasn't that bad, Moony. Barely scratched the surface."

"But I attacked him... no wonder he's shutting me out."

"I don't think it's that. He didn't look right when he came to me about it. He... he's gonna kill me for telling you this but he wouldn't let me show mum. Made me treat it with bandages instead. Said it would heal on it's own. It's like he wants to be injured."

Remus met James's eye. They were both terrified about their friend, but Remus was suddenly furious. Why the hell wouldn't Sirius get the wound healed?

He shot to his feet, wincing as his joints tried to lock out on him, before returning to Sirius's room. 

"Are you stupid?" he demanded. "You know what kind of infection you could get from a wolf injury? Are you trying to use me to die? Is that it?"

Sirius glared at him. "I'd never do that to you, but yes, I am stupid. Everyone likes to remind me of that fact. James disinfected it. It'll be fine. It will heal along with all the other cuts I got."

"Sirius, think like a rational human being for thirty seconds and realize that physical injuries are not something to take a chance on."

"I'm not a rational human being. I'm broken, Remus. I'm defective. Have been since birth. Did you not get the memo? Did you not realize this when I told Snivellous about your condition? You should hate me. You should loathe my existence. Stop trying to make me something I will never achieve. You're just waiting to be disappointed. I'll disappoint you, and James and everyone else who expects me to get better. I'll never be better. Give up while your sanity is intact."

He got up and barged past him. The bathroom door slammed shut and Remus knew he'd have locked it. Possibly even barricaded himself in. Remus scruffed his hair before stepping out onto the landing. James and Mrs Potter were stood the other side of the bathroom, looking concerned. Remus just turned back around and laid down on Srius's bed. Apparently he was not mature enough to handle Sirius. He laid there in the silence for a while, staring upwards and trying to work out if there was another way the conversation could have ended. If he'd just taken a breather before barging in... the end result probably wouldn't have looked much different. Sirius was determined to push him away. 

"Your dad's here to collect you," James said quietly. "He's not in a very patient mood."

Remus stood up and sighed. He wondered just how much he'd fucked up the already rocky relationship between him and Sirius. James hugged him tightly.

"I wish you could stay."

"Don't think it would help much right now, to be honest. I think I cocked it up big time."

James stepped back and shook his head. "Sirius needs you. He's just being a stubborn git."

They walked downstairs together and Remus walked straight up to Lyall, where he was still stood in the fireplace. Through the flash of green flames, Remus saw James's expression darken. What were they going to do?


	18. Chapter 18

# Chapter 18

## Sirius

He knew he was being selfish. He was being impolite and rude. He was shitting on the generous hospitality the Potter's were giving him. He knew it, but he couldn't bring himself to get out of the bathtub. He wasn't even bathing. He was just laying in the cold tub, staring at the door, waiting for them to barge in. He expected them to throw him out, to punish him for his behaviour. When hours passed and there wasn't so much as a knock on the door, he summoned Linny.

"What time is it?" he asked. 

"One in the morning, Master Black," she replied. "Is there anything else I can assist you with?"

"Pack my trunk please. Inform me when it's done."

"Shall I inform Mistress Potter? Or Master Potter?"

"No. Just pack."

The elf disappeared. He knew it wasn't fair to James to leave without so much as a goodbye note, but that had backfired last time. He knew the Potter's weren't going to punish him for his insolent behaviour. They would just show him love and kindness. He didn't deserve it. He certainly hadn't earnt it. It was time to stop being the burden. Linny returned some time later and he thanked her. Sirius got out of the bath and unlocked the door. He grabbed his trunk and silently carried it downstairs. He stepped into the fireplace, grabbed a handful of flue powder and sent himself away. He wasn't worthy of the Potter's treatment.

Madam Rosmerta stared at him as she cleaned the bar.

"You lost or summink?" she asked.

"No," Sirius replied. "How much will it cost me to store my trunk here for a few days until school starts again?"

"Five galleons. Extra if you plan on staying with it."

He handed her the money before letting himself out of the pub. Once down a dark alleyway, he turned into Padfoot and trotted off, looking for somewhere warm enough to sleep.

* * *

## Remus

The new years celebration passed without much interest and then they were on their way back to King's Cross. They got to the station late and Remus barely had time to hug Hope before rushing onto the train. He found their compartment and felt his stomach twist. Peter was sat in total silence across from Lily and James. All three of them looked like death. Sirius was nowhere to be seen.

"Where is he?" Remus asked.

James just shrugged, staring blankly ahead. Lily looked up at him and Remus slowly lowered himself onto the seat beside Peter. 

"You don't know?" 

James still didn't look at him. "He vanished the night you left. Linny packed for him and he used the flue network. He didn't leave a note and he didn't say goodbye. Mum's frantic but has no idea where to even begin looking for him. He can't be traced by the ministry because he hasn't used any magic. He's just gone."

Remus's head began to spin. The night he'd left, Sirius had been in a very dark place. He'd left him. He'd allowed him the opportunity to run away. His hands began to shake. What could Sirius have gotten up to in the several days he had unaccounted? Was he even still alive? A hand fell on his shoulder but he shrugged it off. Had he let Sirius end himself? The journey back to Hogwarts was silent and somber. What the hell were they going to do without their fourth marauder?

The four of them barely ate at the feast, and none of them spoke. Several of the other gryffindors stared at them, noticing their moods, but nobody asked. The silent question hung in the air of 'where is Sirius Black'? Remus glanced over at the slytherin table and caught Regulus's eye. The younger Black brother looked confused and his eyes scanned their table. He was an arrogant prick. Remus's blood started to boil. What had Regulus done to protect his brother? They were supposed to be family. When Regulus got up from his table and headed out of the great hall, Remus followed him, ignoring his name being called. 

He grabbed Regulus by the throat and shoved him against the wall.

"You're a slimy little git, you know that!" He snapped. "You were supposed to look after your brother. Protect him the way he protected you. Were you born a coward or did your parents teach it to you?"

Regulus opened his mouth to incite a curse but Remus was having none of it. Even without his wand in hand, he sneered at the younger brother.

"Silencio!"

No words escaped the younger boys lips and his lip curled up in rage. He kneed Remus in the groin, forcing him to lose his grip. Before Regulus could run away, Remus punched him in the gut then tackled him to the ground. His fists started to fly, his anger releasing itself in massive wave. He vaguely heard his name being called behind him but he ignored it. Regulus was a foul little git that deserved to be punished for failing Sirius.

He only stopped when his body was petrified. He was dragged away from Regulus and the younger slytherin was taken away. Remus was released from his bind and hauled to his feet by Peter. James was stood beside Lily and a furious McGonagle. She pointed him in the direction of her office and he went without complaint. 

He stood beside James in her office and waited for her to speak.

"Never in my years of teaching have I seen such a display of violence towards a younger pupil, Mr Lupin," she said, her voice calm but irate. "You should know better than that. I will have to presume that you have a very good reason for it. I shall also be sending a letter home to your parents. Further consequence will depend upon your excuses."

Remus swallowed hard. "I apologize Professor. I let my anger get the better of me. I was taking it out on Regulus because of what happened to Sirius."

"Where is Mr Black?"

"We don't know, Professor. He took off in the middle of the night four days ago," James replied. "He didn't leave a note."

McGonagle pursed her lips and Remus looked at the floor. He honestly didn't care what punishment he got. Sirius was gone. Punishing Regulus hadn't brought him back. Likely never would and it certainly didn't make up for what their parents had done to him.

"Detentions for a week with Professor Slughorn. You have also lost gryffindor thirty house points," McGonagle said. "Never let it happen again, Mr Lupin, or the consequences will be rather more severe."

"Yes professor."

They left her office and walked in silence back to the common room. Lily was sat by the fire and Peter was quietly eating sweets. The atmosphere was tense and bitter. None of them wanted to be the first to suggest Sirius's fate. Nobody wanted to admit that he could have offed himself. Remus sat down beside Peter and James was about to sit next to Lily when he straightened up again. The look of blind fury and disbelief on his face was terrifying.

"You're a total arsehole, Sirius Black!"

Remus turned in his seat. Just inside the portrait hole was a rough looking Sirius, who was staring his best friend down. 

"Yeah, I know. Told you that and you've told me that many times," he said before walking forwards. 

James shot forwards and wrapped Sirius in a hug so tight Remus felt his own ribs protest. Sirius didn't return the gesture. He just stood there, arms by his sides and a blank look on his face. 

"You didn't leave a fucking note!" 

"Wasn't about to let you follow me. It defeated the object of going."

James stepped back. "What was the object? To give my mother a heart attack? To give _me_ a heart attack? You look like shit. Where have you been?"

Sirius shrugged. "Hogsmeade. Left my trunk with Rosmerta and kept myself warm by staying as Padfoot. I'm not having this interrogation tonight. I'm going to bed."

He passed them all and ran up the stairs towards the dorm. James exchanged a look with all of them. Remus felt sick. Sirius had spent days as a dog to avoid them all. Were they really that much of a problem for him?

* * *

## Sirius

He sat beneath the shower for a while. His Moony injury itched where the water hit it but it wasn't a problem. Once he was bored, he got up, dried and dressed before heading into the dorm. The others hadn't followed him. At least he'd made them realize he was a lost cause. Maybe they'd let him go now. He pulled the curtains around his bed before turning into Padfoot. If any of them tried to talk to him, he had a valid excuse not to reply. Dogs couldn't speak. Hours passed in the silent dark before anyone entered the room. None of them were talking. Nobody even said goodnight. Another hour passed in total silence before the curtains were pulled back and Remus sat beside him.

"I'm really fucking glad you're not dead," he whispered.

Padfoot smelt the faded blood on his hands. It was his and someone else's. He looked at Remus, barely making out his silhouette from the candle across the room. The werewolf looked abnormally pale, similar to the full moon's effect. Sirius felt a twinge on his heartstrings. Had he really caused Moony that much pain? He transformed back before he was consciously aware of it.

"What happened to your hands?" he asked.

Remus shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Can I please sleep here?"

Sirius pulled Remus into his arms and the werewolf began to sob. They laid down together and Sirius held Moony tightly. His guilt intensified threefold. _Upsetting those you call friends. Perhaps you are a proper Black after all._

He woke up, still clutching Remus against him. It was still dark in the dormroom. He carefully released the werewolf and stole both the map and James's cloak. He bolted down to the common room then out of the portrait. He ran until his legs wanted to collapse. Why had he ever let them get close? Why had he ever thought he could escape the family he was born into. _Coward!_ His mother screamed between his ears. He wanted to die. He wanted it to all stop hurting. He wanted to stop hurting everyone else. He was a traitor, a coward, an arsehole. He didn't deserve to keep breathing. He needed it to all go away.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments. I'm glad you're liking the story.   
> This chapter is rather heavy.  
> I apologize in advance.

# Chapter 19

## Remus

He woke up alone and he felt a stone form in his throat. He got up and checked the bathroom, then ran down to the common room. It was before breakfast. Sirius had gone. He ran back up to the dorm and looked for the map. It wasn't in his trunk. With his stomach in knots, he checked James's trunk for the invisibility cloak. Also missing. Remus got dressed and sat down on Sirius's bed. He had run away again. He had the sinking feeling that he was directly to blame for this disappearance. He hadn't meant to start crying but the relief of being held by Padfoot had just been too much. 

James woke up and before he had even blinked, he was bolt upright staring at Remus on the empty bed.

"He's gone again. Took the map and your cloak, unless you didn't bring it that is. Probably my fault," Remus said, his voice blunt and cold. 

"He's... do you think that he stayed on Hogwarts grounds? Since he took the map?"

Remus shrugged. "It's a possibility. All I'm saying is that the lake is still on the grounds of Hogwarts."

James shuddered before getting dressed. They went straight to McGonagle's office. Safe to say, their head of house was unimpressed and highly concerned. She gave them free passes to skip lessons until lunchtime, at which point she would inform Dumbledore. Remus didn't quite know what the headmaster would be able to do but didn't argue. He and James split up and started looking everywhere.

With each hour that passed and still no sign of Sirius, Remus's heart got heavier. It got harder to move. He kept going but was starting to wonder what the point was. For all he knew, Sirius was with the merpeople again, or had wandered into the forbidden forest and gotten killed by whatever beasts existed within it. With half an hour until lunch, he had all but given up. He wasn't even aware of where he was going until he was stood, just out of reach, of the whomping willow. Remus knew it was unlikely, but he refused to leave any stone unturned. He stopped the demon tree and dashed into the tunnel. Technically, the shack wasn't on Hogwarts grounds, however, it was secluded. You could hide inside if you could get in.

He climbed through the trap door, still in the hopeless stupor, and didn't see the room for what it was. Then he locked sights with a pair of shiny grey eyes. 

Sirius was curled up on the bed, eyes red and puffy, trembling. Remus didn't hesitate. He rushed over and held onto Sirius as though his life depended on it. He heaved a sigh of relief when arms clutched him just as tightly. Sirius caused them both to vibrate as he sobbed in silence. Remus kissed his head. With one hand, he grabbed the map and cloak, that were sat on the bed, and threw the cloak over both of them. While keeping Sirius as tightly against him as possible, he guided them back down to the tunnel and took them straight to the Transfigurations classroom. He stood as tightly against the wall as possible as fourth years headed to lunch. When the last of the students left, he took them both inside and pushed the door closed. McGonagle looked up from her desk with a frown. Remus pulled the cloak off and the look of relief on their head of house was immediate. Instead of questioning either of them, she sent them, through the flue network, to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey looked a little shocked but allowed Remus to take Sirius to the furthest bed and placed a screen around them. 

Sirius was still sobbing but he wasn't vibrating quite so much anymore. Remus held him tightly with one arm while stroking his hair with the other. He didn't know what was going through his head, and there was a part of him that didn't want to, but he knew it was awful. James came running in ten minutes later followed by Lily. He took one look at Sirius and looked as though he were about to faint. Lily touched his arm gently, likely to make sure he wasn't going to collapse, and he turned to face her. He hugged her tightly, burying his face in her shoulder. She held onto him just as tightly, tears in her eyes as she looked at Sirius.

The two of them stayed until, presumably, lunch was over and Madam Pomfrey sent them on their way. Sirius didn't stop crying until he fell asleep, or passed out was probably more accurate. 

James, Lily and Peter stopped by after dinner with a plate of food for Remus. Lily had charmed the plate to keep it warm until he could eat it. They all seemed to realize that Remus wasn't about to let go unless absolutely necessary, and the list of reasons to let go was miniscule. He couldn't let Sirius leave him again.

* * *

## Sirius

He was no longer in the shack. He was no longer alone. His body hurt. His head throbbed. His eyes were raw. Someone was stroking his hair. He was safe. His Moony had him. Wait... not _his_ Moony anymore. They weren't together anymore. He'd told Snape how to get past the Willow. He'd broken Remus's trust and they'd broken up. So why was he holding him? Why would he protect him after that? 

"It's alright, Pads. You don't need to apologize for anything," Remus whispered.

When had he started apologizing? He closed his mouth. Why would Remus forgive him without an apology? 

_S_ _tupid cretin! You don't deserve forgiveness! You deserve nothing!_

Sirius cringed. His mother was right. He didn't deserve anything. He was a failure. A fuckup. A disaster waiting to happen. Remus had gotten rid of him before he could destroy him. Remus was cleverer than him. 

_He pities you. You are pitiful. Your behaviour is that of a toddler. Grow up! You think the world will wait on you, hand and foot forever? Imbecile!_

"Mr Lupin... I shall suggest you remain here tonight, though I believe that was your intention anyway. How is he?" Professor McGonagle said.

"I'm not entirely sure, Professor. We haven't gotten to the talking part yet. I doubt it's good," Remus replied.

He sounded sad. 

_Of course he sounds sad. You're clinging to him like an ape. It's hardly the behaviour of the Black heir! You disgrace us all!_

"Hey, Pads, can we sit up so that I can eat?" Remus asked.

Sirius started to pull away only for the arm around his waist to tighten.

"Don't let go. Please, don't let go."

Instead of letting go, Sirius moved with Remus, ending up on his lap with his legs straight out behind. He smelt the food as Remus brought it closer. It smelt like beef wellington and potatoes. 

"Do you want some, Sirius?" 

_Yes, let him feed you like the toddler you are. Pathetic!_

Sirius shook his head. 

_Incapable of fending for yourself! You have failed to learn the lessons you've been taught since birth. You disgrace the house of Black._

An eternity later, Sirius opened his eyes. He was still sat in Remus's lap, clinging to him for dear life, and the werewolf was looking at something he couldn't see.

"I'm sorry, Moony," he whispered. "I'm acting like a child."

Remus looked down and shook his head. "I don't care. I'd rather you act like a child than disappear. I can't bear to lose you, Sirius."

"You should hate me."

"I've never hated you. I've hated what you've done but I've never hated you. I never will. Relax."

The sobs took over him without his consent. He had no tears left but he couldn't control himself. Remus held him tighter and they laid down again. He began to whisper muggle stories into his ear, and the sobbing slowly stopped. He fell asleep again, absorbing the safety Remus provided.

* * *

## Remus

His heart hurt. Sirius was barely even a ghost of who he once was. He still loved the boy in his arms but it hurt to see him so wounded. So fragile. 

When morning came around, James showed up again. He looked as though he hadn't slept.

"How is he?" 

"Thinks I should hate him. Thinks he shouldn't be acting like a child," Remus replied. "That's about all that he's said. I wish I understood what was happening to him James. Whatever this is, it reaches far beyond what I understand."

James looked petrified. "Is he... people who are tortured with the Cruciatus curse can go insane. Is this a delayed reaction? Will he have to be transferred to St. Mungo's?"

Remus growled. "He's not going anywhere. He's not insane. He's depressed and he's got severe PTSD from a really fucking shitty childhood. Don't you dare tell me you'd rather send him to a nut house!"

"I don't want to but seriously, are you going to spend every day for the rest of your life, clinging to him? He needs professional help Moony. You and I are just kids."

He glared at his friend until James walked away. They would have to pry Sirius from his cold, dead hands if they wanted to send him to a nut house. He kissed Sirius's head and held him tighter. He briefly wondered if he was also developing an unhealthy attachment, but blew it off. Sirius needed someone who wasn't going to walk away, even when he hit rock bottom. He was just filling the role.


	20. Chapter 20

# Chapter 20

## Sirius

He woke up feeling hollow. His chest still hurt and his eyes were still raw, but at least it didn't hurt so much inside. He was numb. Walburga's shrill, vicious commentary was temporarily muted. He had no idea how long it would last. He looked at Remus's face. The werewolf looked exhausted. It was his fault. He was responsible for the damage. He should have cared. He couldn't feel anything anymore. Sirius turned in Remus's arms and came face to face with James, who also looked drained.

"Morning, Pads," he whispered.

"I shouldn't have run off again. I'm sorry," Sirius replied, knowing that he should.

"You're safe now. That's what counts."

"What time is it?"

"Little after six. Pomfrey made an exception for visitation. Mum's glad you're safe. So's Dad."

Sirius didn't respond. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't understand why the Potter's continued to care about him? He didn't even care. 

"I brought Moony's books. Figured it's the easiest way for him to stay up to date with lessons."

He frowned. "Remus should go to class, James. He is at school."

James scoffed quietly. "Sirius, he isn't going anywhere. Not without you. Pomfrey says you've got to stay here at least another forty-eight hours before she'll even think about discharging you. I think it's mostly because they see you as a flight risk now. There's not much in wizarding medicine to combat things they cannot see. Mum's looking into muggle alternatives."

Sirius just stared. Everyone was putting so much effort into him. Not sleeping because of him. His existence really wasn't worth it. 

"Want me to get you any food from the dining hall? Lily's already on the case for Remus."

He shook his head. He wasn't hungry. James stood up and put his hand on Sirius's shoulder. He opened his mouth as if to say something but changed his mind before heading out. 

Remus woke up sometime later and tightened his hold on Sirius. It was unclear as to whether he just had to confirm if Sirius was still there or to stop him leaving.

"Lily brought you breakfast," Sirius whispered.

"What about you?" 

"James offered but I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat, Padfoot."

Sirius just shrugged. Logistically, he did need food. His appetite however, disagreed. He pulled away and sat up on the bed, his legs dangling off the edge. Remus followed suit and sat beside him. The plate sat on the chair floated over and Remus began to eat his breakfast, offering Sirius some everytime he changed pieces of toast. Sirius stared off towards the wall, not really thinking anything. He wasn't going anywhere, even if he was allowed to. He had nowhere he wanted to be. He didn't care about his education, or his dorm or even the outside. He was truly over it all. Remus elbowed him.

"Stop picking at it."

Sirius looked at him, mildly confused.

"The scratch on your shoulder. You're picking at it. Stop."

He dropped his hands. He hadn't even noticed. It wasn't too bad. The scratch was mostly healed anyway. Remus put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him against him. He supposed it should have been comforting. 

Footsteps approached his bed quickly, clearly determined, and Remus put down the book he was reading. He hadn't removed his arm from Sirius's shoulders. McGonagle rounded the privacy screen and looked directly at Remus. She didn't look remotely impressed.

"Mr Lupin, I can assure you that Mr Black is in safe hands. He will not be leaving the hospital wing for at least the next forty-eight hours. You on the other hand, are still a student here. You must return to class."

"With all due respect, Professor, I'm not going anywhere. I have all the reading material for all of my classes and Lily, James and Peter are all going to bring me notes from the lessons. They'll let me know about any homework. My education will not suffer by me staying here for a couple of days," Remus replied, remarkably calm. 

"Do you plan on bringing potted plants into the hospital wing? A crystal ball perhaps? Not every subject you take is strictly theoretical, Mr Lupin."

"Any practical tasks can wait. Professor, I'm sorry but I'm not leaving Sirius alone. I'm sure Madam Pomfrey is great company, I'm typically unconscious for my visits here, but she doesn't have any idea how to treat Sirius's problems. No magical person does. There is no magical cure."

McGonagle stared him down but Remus wasn't going to budge. He had the same look on his face that he'd had when the idea of becoming animagi was broached. He wouldn't relent. Their head of house looked at Sirius and her resolve softened mildly. She looked back at Remus.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for insolence and ignoring the rules. I shall also be sending a letter home and you will be required to attend your detention with Professor Slughorn. You will have to leave Mr Black with another of your friends for the hour. It is non-negotiable."

Remus tightened his jaw but nodded. It wasn't a brilliant compromise in his opinion but he was already testing the limits of what was allowed. McGonagle wished Sirius well before marching off. Sirius shook his head. Remus should have gone to lessons. It wasn't like he was getting any better with him sat beside him anyway.

* * *

## Remus

He had read the entirety of their herbology book from cover to cover when Lily showed up, a plate of food in hand. Sirius hadn't spoken since the morning and hadn't moved from where he'd sat. Lily shot him a cautious glance before handing the food to Remus.

"I heard you've got detention later. I can stay with Sirius, if you like. It's pretty quiet in here. I can get my astonomy essay done in peace."

Remus smiled. "Yeah, if you can bear the silence, it's a pretty good place to study."

Lily produced several sheets of parchment and tucked them into one of his books. She then stepped into Sirius's direct line of sight and hugged him. At first, he didn't seem to notice, but then he slowly lifted his arms and held her gently, almost as if she would break. 

"You're gonna be okay, Sirius. I promise," she whispered.

"You can't know that," Sirius replied, barely audible.

"I know that you've survived something that kills most people. You've been suffering all your life and you're still around. I believe in your ability to survive whatever gets thrown at you."

Sirius's arms tightened around her and she stroked his back slowly. Remus tried to hold back his relief. Him talking to Lily wasn't exactly a sure step to recovery. They both pulled away from the hug almost simultaneously. Sirius stared at her with definite confusion on his face and she smiled at him with reasurance on her face. She then stepped back and said goodbye, insisting that she needed to eat and that she'd be back later in the evening. Remus slowly started to eat his lunch and said nothing when Sirius stole a sandwich from his plate.

When the evening came around, Remus had completed his homework and read the majority of the astonomy book. True to her word, Lily showed up, armed with parchment, dinner and James, who definitely needed sleep. She sat down in the visitors chair and smiled. Remus looked at James who was staring at Sirius.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" 

He shook his head. "Tried. Failed. Wrote mum and dad a letter. Stared at the map."

Remus started on his dinner. "You planning on just standing there like a plonker?" 

James rolled his eyes. "I'm not staying. I've been told I have to escort you to the dungeons. Not sure Minnie believes you'll actually attend your detention."

He made a noncommital noise. Theoretically, he wasn't going to unless someone dragged him away. Practically, he knew he had to stick to his word or risk being hauled out of the hospital wing completely. Sirius didn't react to any of the conversations. He just stared at a spot above Lily's head. He didn't steal any food. Lily suddenly produced a letter from her bag and handed it to him.

"Arrived for you with the evening post. I'm guessing your parents aren't happy," she said, a slight frown between her eyebrows.

"Dad will be the one unhappy. Mum rarely bothers with owls," Remus said quietly, tucking the letter into his pocket.

He finished his food and, begrudingly, followed James out of the ward and towards the dungeons.

* * *

## Sirius

As soon as James and Remus were gone, Lily reached into her bag and procured a peice of chocolate cake wrapped in napkins. She handed it to Sirius and he took it automatically, having no intentions of eating it. She smiled at him.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I don't feel anything," he replied, tilting his head to look at her. "It hurt so much and then it just stopped. I think I broke my brain."

She shrugged. "The mind is very good at trying to protect itself. I wouldn't say you've broken anything. It's just trying to adapt."

She dived into her bag again and came out with a bottle of grey nail polish. She unscrewed the lid and asked him to hold the bottle. He took it and held it where she could reach. She painted one hand in relative silence, occasionally saying something that had happened in a lesson, without any complications. When she switched to the other hand, the polish went everywhere because her hand kept shaking. Sirius frowned.

"You know there's magic for this right?" he asked.

"Yeah but muggleborn remember? I like doing it myself," she replied, almost indignantly.

"Why's your hand shaking so much?"

"Because I'm right handed and my left hand doesn't really have a productive function beyond holding things. I'm trying to concentrate but it only seems to get worse."

He silently held his hand out for the brush, which she swapped for the bottle, and he held her hand gently as he painted the nails. When he was done, she didn't try to hide the proud look on her face. He raised his eyebrow but she didn't offer an explanation. Instead, she asked if he wanted his done. He shrugged and let her do it. While they were drying, he offered her some of the cake she'd brought. She accepted on the condition he join her in eating it. Again, he shrugged and complied. Made no difference either way. She hopped on the bed beside him and started doing her astronomy work. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought she was deliberately writing the wrong thing so that he would correct her (she insisted on reading aloud what she was about to write and he automatically responded with the correct answers). He caught a glimpse of her face every so often and he couldn't really understand why she looked so pleased with herself.

* * *

## Remus

Remus returned from his stupid detention of scraping crusty potions out of couldrons, to find Sirius leaning his head on Lily's shoulder while she read _The Flame and the Flower._ He couldn't tell if Sirius was reading it or just staring at it. Lily looked up with a vaguely smug smile on her face.

"Hey, Sirius, I gotta go now," she said quietly. 

He lifted his head and she got off the bed, shoving the book into her bag, before turning back around and hugging him, which he returned. With his hands lifted, Remus noticed that they were both wearing matching nail varnish, that had not been there before. He was mildly confused. Lily stepped back, hugged Remus, before picking up her bag and heading off. When she was gone, Sirius looked at him with a slightly less blank look than he'd sported the entire day.

"What was the detention for?" 

Remus looked at the floor. The answer could easily cause a problem. "I, uh, beat the living shit out of Regulus."

"Why'd you do that?"

"You were missing and he was the closest I could get to your parents."

"That was stupid."

Remus looked up. Sirius looked a little confused but otherwise emotionless about what he'd heard. It was as if the lights were on but nobody was home. He got onto the bed and picked up his notes. From them, he started on his homework. Remus had gotten about halfway through his potions essay when Sirius asked if he had a spare quill. He handed him one and his friend took a blank piece of parchment and started writing an astromomy essay, which Remus had no doubt would be borderline perfect. Sirius still stayed in almost complete silence but Remus took relief in the fact that he was doing something other than staring at the wall.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ironic that chapter 21 is written in the new year.   
> May we hope that 2021 brings better luck than the nightmare we just left.
> 
> CW- Description of torture and panic attack

# Chapter 21

## Sirius

The nightmare returned despite falling asleep in Remus's arms.

_His parents came at him, hissing about how much of a failure he was. They aimed their wands at him and set his skin alight from the inside. He writhed with pain, begging for it to stop despite himself. His mother laughed. His father's belt came down, again and again. He screamed. Regulus demanded that they stop. He asked if they were trying to kill his brother. The silence that fell was deafening. Walburga dragged Sirius upright and he was forced to watch the letters burn. They burnt whatever Gryffindor paraphernalia they could get hold of. Sirius was being erased from the inside out. His identity torn from him._

_"Worthless blood traitor," Walburga hissed into his ear. "You're lucky my father's not alive. He'd have destroyed whatever fight you have the instant it showed. Pathetic sympathizer!"_

_When all that could be burnt was gone, Orion escorted Regulus out of the room. Walburga aimed her wand at him again and demanded he apologize. He refused. Even if he wanted to, his body rejected the concept. He would not apologize for being who he was. For who he loved. She didn't ask twice. The cruciatus curse hit him again and he felt his entire life flash before him, leading all the way up to the incident. He'd told Snape how to get past the willow. He'd betrayed Remus. Remus hated him. He passed out._

He tore himself from the dream and slowly disentangled himself from Remus's arms. Sirius padded around the small enclosure he was in and tried not to panic. He knew it was over. He knew that his parents weren't coming for him again. He knew it. His mind apparently wasn't convinced. His hands shook, his chest was tight and getting tighter, he could barely breathe. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run. He needed something to stop. He needed... 

He stumbled over his own feet and the privacy screen clattered to the ground. Remus woke up instantly and wandlight appeared near the office. He couldn't breathe. His vision was starting to close even though his eyes were open. He couldn't...

Remus touched his arm and he jerked backwards, his back hitting the wall. His skin felt like fire. He couldn't do this. It hurt. He wasn't back there. His body disagreed. 

"Sirius, listen to me," Remus said gently, "Deep breath."

He tried but his lungs refused. He felt dizzy and nauseous. The room started to spin. His legs gave way beneath him. Everything went black.

He opened his eyes to daylight. He was lying alone on a hospital bed. His body ached. The privacy screen had been put up again. He rolled over. Lily was sat in the visitor's chair, reading an arithmancy book. She didn't notice him waking up. 

"Lily," he whispered, his throat felt tight.

She looked up and gave him a gentle smile. "Hey, Padfoot. How are you?"

"It all hurts. What happened?"

She stood up and put a hand on his head. "It sounds like you had a panic attack. At least from what Remus described. Do you know what set it off?"

"Nightmare. What my parents did. How do I stop a panic attack happening again?"

Her fingers absently stroked his hair and he felt mildly more relaxed. Sirius didn't quite understand when he'd grown to trust Lily so much but he felt safe with her. Almost as safe as he felt with Remus.

"Well usually, panic attacks are managed rather than stopped completely. You learn to manage the triggers and recover faster from them, if they occur. A girl in my primary school used to get them. It was awful to watch."

Sirius looked up at her. "They're worse to have, I assure you. Where's Remus?"

Lily looked away. "He... honestly, last night freaked him the fuck out. You essentially collapsed into his arms. He stayed until morning then went to shower when I brought him breakfast. I've been here since."

"What time is it?"

"Little after lunch. He'll be back soon."

Sirius doubted it. If he looked as bad as he'd felt the night before, Remus would never come near him again. Lily continued to stroke his hair. He wanted to drive her away before she saw him like that too. She wanted her as far away as possible before she realized how utterly broken he was. He was too broken for magic. Too broken for friends.

"I'm going to read for you, Sirius," Lily announced. 

He glanced at her. With her free hand, she magicked the chair closer and sat down. She never stopped stroking his hair. She pulled the muggle book from her bag and continued from where she'd finished the night before. The strange combination of her voice and her hand in his hair, had him drifting off into a peaceful, painless sleep.

* * *

## Remus

He was very much not a Gryffindor. In the hours that passed, he was a coward. Watching Sirius fall apart was one thing. Watching him barely awake and silently screaming was another. He hadn't lied about taking a shower. He just finished that in fifteen minutes and spent the rest of the time sat on Sirius's bed staring at the floor. How was he supposed to go back to the hospital wing, knowing that Sirius was worse off than any of them could comprehend? He wanted to help, Sirius but there was nothing he could do. He felt useless and stupid. The door opened but Remus didn't look up. Someone sat beside him.

"Lily said you went for a shower hours ago," James said. "You look bone-dry to me but I can smell your body wash. Talk to me."

Remus shook his head. "Prongs, I don't- I have no idea how to help him. Lily does a better job and she barely knows him."

"Honestly mate, that might be why."

Remus looked at him. The bespeckled animagus shrugged.

"Sirius hurt you. He's hurt me. Him and Peter aren't all that close, but they're both marauders. He's got no real connection to Lily so it matters less if he hurts her. There's less consequence. Besides, Lily doesn't back away when he starts acting like a git. If anything, it makes her push back harder. She's never backed away from a challenge. I dunno, maybe you need to take a step back from babysitting Sirius. He's too reliant on you and you really don't seem to be handling it."

"You want me to just abandon him the way his parents did?"

James scoffed. "If his parents had abandoned him, he wouldn't be where he is now. They tormented and tortured and destroyed him, Remus. They raised him to be the heir of the house of Black. The second he showed signs of rejecting it, they lashed out. He could stand there under the cruciatus curse and not break a sweat, at least not on the outside. He learnt to hide his pain. To reject the notion of anyone coming to save him. He's been self-reliant for so long, I don't think he knows how to let people help him anymore."

Remus just stared. When had James become sage, and wise in all things Sirius Black? When did he have any idea how to treat someone's emotions without being a prat? James slung an arm around his shoulders.

"I ain't gonna tell you what to do. If you think it's best to stay with Sirius, by all means go ahead. I'm just saying that nobody would blame you if you backed away. Sirius blows up bigger than anyone. Sooner or later, you're gonna get hit with shrapnel if you stand too close."

It wasn't until after his detention with Slughorn that he headed back to the hospital wing. He almost expected Lily to blow up at him for leaving all day. Instead, when he rounded the privacy curtain, she and Sirius were sat on the bed facing each other, writing something or other. Sirius was the first to notice him and quickly looked away, the guilt blatant in his expression. Lily looked up and smiled.

"Transfiguration essay," she explained, gesturing to the parchment between them. "We've also done herbology and history of magic. It's been a rather productive day."

He asked her to come with him for a second. Lily looked at Sirius for confirmation- he just shrugged and continued writing- before following him around the other side of the screen. He cast mufflato.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Remus, it's fine. Sirius is quite good company. We talk, we do homework. He's doing better than he was," Lily replied nonchalantly.

"You know what caused his panic attack?"

"Flashback nightmare."

Remus's heart sank. Sirius didn't used to get nightmares if they slept together. Was he not good enough anymore? Was he- 

Lily prodded him in the ribs. "Don't start spiralling Remus. Sirius told me that his nightmares usually go away with you. I'm just going to point out that it was a flashback nightmare. It was something very real that happened, not some twisted crap that his mind produced. You can't take it personally."

"It is personal, Lily. We don't have the relationship we used to. He's constantly trying to push me away and make me hate him. Clearly his unconscious is aware of it."

She prodded him again. "No, you don't have the same relationship. He's not the same person and neither are you. It is going to be different. I will talk to him tomorrow about the pushing you away thing. I'll make him confront his reasoning. Right now, I'm going to make James show me the kitchens and get some food. Then I'm going to bed. You stay with him and try to get him to talk. About anything, though his emotions are a touchy topic."

"Finite."

Lily walked back to where Sirius was and he followed her in muted silence. She packed up her stuff and Sirius opened his arms for a hug. When she was gone, Remus looked at the floor, feeling more awkward being with Sirius than he had in years.

"It's not your fault," Sirius said quietly. "At least, Lily doesn't think so. She says the nightmare last night wasn't the same as a normal one. I'm inclined to agree."

Remus looked up. Sirius was still writing away at his essay, but the hand not holding the quill was in a tight ball.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked.

"There's not much to discuss. Mum and dad with cruciatus. Reg asking if they were trying to kill me. Forcing me to watch them burn my letters and anything Gryffindor. Dad taking Reg away. Mum demanding an apology. Me refusing. Her torturing me with the Unforgivable until I passed out, which ironically, is when I woke up in present day time. You going to do your homework?"

Remus took out his assignments and sat where Lily had been. They continued to work in silence, the only sound coming from the quills, until Sirius put his down and rolled his parchment up. Remus looked up at him and tried to work out how he was feeling.

"Re, my mother made me believe that my entire identity is a failure. Not just being a Gryffindor, or a blood traitor, but myself in general. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I wasn't smart enough. Wasn't cunning enough. I was considered rude, out of line and a curse to their name. She told me that if her father had been alive, I would have been killed as a child. I was never enough. I proved her right by being disloyal to you. I'm not good enough for you, Remus. I tried to be but I'm not. I'm not going to tell you where to be or where to go, but you really should move on. I'm just going to cause you pain. I already have, multiple times."

Sirius's words reflected James's almost to a T. Remus reached for Sirius's hand but hesitated after remembering the night before. Sirius bridged the gap and stared down at their hands.

"Padfoot, I don't need to go anywhere. You are my friend. You're not a failure. You made a bad choice and we went through a bad patch, but I'm not giving up on you. Can you please try to understand that?"

For a long while, Sirius didn't respond. He just sat there, staring at their hands, until eventually, he sqeezed and looked up. He noddded once. He went back to writing and Remus did the same, keeping their hands entwined.

The next morning, Sirius was not in the bed with him. Remus opened his eyes and his panic lowered quickly. Sirius was sat in the chair performing display charms, producing bubbles and stars and something resembling flower petals. He looked up when Remus shifted and lowered his wand.

"Lily was doing them yesterday when I woke up the second time," he said quietly. "I can't get the last one right. It looks like ash."

"Flower charms usually require happy intentions to work properly," Remus replied, followed by a yawn. "How long have you been awake?"

Sirius shrugged, returning to the charms. When the flower charm continued to fail, he huffed in complaint. As if to prove a point, he silently cast his patronus, releasing a large ghostly dog that very closely resembled Padfoot. It sat obediently by Sirius's feet, so visceral it could almost be touched. Sirius scowled at it but it remained strong. Remus wanted to ask what memory he was using to retain it but didn't want to disturb the dog. It was strange seeing Sirius and Padfoot in the same place. Sirius lifted his wand again, repeating the charms. The dog stayed put throughout, even when the flower petals stayed looking like ash. For the sake of curiosity, Remus lifted his own wand from the nightstand and did only the flower charm. Even his petals looked like ash.

"Maybe I'm remembering it wrong," Sirius grumbled.

"Possibly. What are you using to keep that dog around?"

He looked at the patronus and shrugged. "Nothing. Tried a modified version. Combines the patronus with the happy memory. Keeps the patronus with you while you concentrate on other things."

"How do you make it go away?"

Sirius touched the ghost Padfoot with the tip of his wand. The dog became a long silvery trail of stuff that Sirius directed back into his head. 

"When did you learn to do that?"

"My uncle used to do it all the time when he was at Grimmauld Place. He never taught me but I remembered him explaining it. Picked it up a while ago."

Remus stared at him. It was highly advanced magic and he was acting as though he'd drank water from a cup. How could he not see that he was brilliant? Sirius caught him staring and sat up straighter. 

"You want me to teach you?"

Remus, remembering what his corporeal patronus was, shook his head. He didn't want a wolf hanging around him anymore than was necessary. Sirius shrugged and produced the ghost Padfoot again. 

* * *

## Sirius

His patronus sat by his feet and Lily rounded the corner, two plates of food in her hands, that she nearly dropped upon seeing the ghostly figure. Sirius pointed his wand at one of the plates and sent it over to Remus. With her now free hand, she tightened her hold on the other plate. She remained fixated on the patronus.

"How?" 

Remus explained it while sitting up and delving into the breakfast. Sirius conjured another chair for Lily to sit in and her eyes got even wider. She looked between the patronus and Sirius several times.

"You are so fucking talented, Sirius!" 

Madam Pomfrey chided her use of foul language from across the wing. Sirius, realizing just how little Lily was concentrating with the dog around, touched it with his wand and returned the memory to his head. It was his most sacred memory. It was also one that should hurt. The memory was of the first time Padfoot had spent the night alone with Moony. Perhaps it was the disassociation of the wolf and the human that allowed it to remain purely positive. Lily held her plate out towards him. He opened his mouth to insist he wasn't hungry when she shook her head.

"It's not all for you, but you are going to eat something. I'll force it down your throat if I need to."

He stared at her for a few moments, questioning whether she'd follow through with her threat, before giving in to the realization that it wasn't worth taking the risk. He took a slice of marmalade toast off the plate and took a deliberate, exaggerated bite. Lily smirked before getting her own. She then proceeded to chat away, mostly with Remus, about all the things that were happening in school. She checked in with him a few times to make sure he was still eating. When the plates were both empty, she got up and headed out. He stared after her. He didn't fully understand why he trusted her or why she cared so much about him, but he liked it. She was a clean slate.


	22. Chapter 22

# Chapter 22

## Sirius

Pomfrey insisted on him staying for another day. He couldn't help but feel trapped but also knew there was no point in arguing. She was bound by duty to keep him safe in whatever way she needed. It wasn't her fault that he was too damaged to be helped. Remus headed off to his detention before Lily arrived, mostly due to the fact that she was late, and Sirius tried to concentrate on reading Remus's copy of _An Advanced Guide to Potion Making_ but his mind kept drifting off. It wasn't going anywhere in particular, but it was certainly not on the page in front of him. 

"You look more fidgety than normal," Lily said gently.

Sirius looked up at her. "I'm beginning to feel like a caged animal."

She smiled. "Would you like to come for a walk?"

He frowned. "I'm still trapped here."

She held her hand out towards him and he cautiously put the book down and took it. She guided him over to Pomfrey's office and knocked on the open door. The Matron looked up from whatever she was doing and raised an eyebrow. Lily then proceeded to explain how fresh air and excersize were vitally important to the recovery of those with depression. She pressed that she wouldn't be leaving his side. Pomfrey, clearly out of her depth, agreed that they could leave for twenty minutes. Sirius followed Lily, feeling rather dumbstruck, out into the halls of Hogwarts. His anxiety spiked drastically. Had other people noticed his absence? What was the excuse they'd been given? What were the rumours? Lily put an arm around his waist.

"It's alright, Sirius," she said quietly. "You're fine."

He put his arm around her shoulders and tried to believe her.

They passed surprisingly few people on their way through the castle and out the doors. It was rather mild for a January evening, but Lily cast a warming charm around the two of them anyway. He had to admit that being outside was a relief.

"So, Sirius, can you tell me why you're pushing people away?" Lily asked.

"I'm not," he replied.

"That's not the impression I get from James and Remus. It's also not what your actions suggest either."

He tried to stop walking but she continued to haul him forwards. Did his actions suggest he was trying to push anyone away? Was he? Lily smiled at him.

"Sirius, its perfectly understandable to want everyone away from you. You probably see them as safer without you in their lives. Though that's not really your decision to make."

He shook his head. "I'm not... people are just as safe with me as they would be everyone else. I'm not pushing people away. Well, maybe Remus a little bit, but that's because he shouldn't want to be around me."

"Why not? You're perfectly good company and you are ridiculously talented, regardless of your lack of respect for said talent. Why shouldn't he want to be around?"

"Because I hurt him, Lily. In the one way that matters most. You know that. I... I don't trust me not to do it again. It's not as if my impulsivity has gone away. Or the anger. I don't know if anything different would happen if someone provoked me again."

Lily pulled him to a stop and pushed him towards a metal bench. He sat down and stared at her. She looked only mildly frustrated.

"Do you want me to be completely honest with you, Sirius?" She asked cooly. He nodded.

"Right, well I think your impulsivity and proclivity towards reckless actions and decisions is all part of the damage your parents caused. You were raised to believe that every little action that wasn't one hundred percent perfect deserved punishment. You learnt to believe that it was how life goes. Then, when you came to Hogwarts, you saw that it wasn't true and rejected the reality shift. You got yourself detentions for missed homework or mucking about in lessons. You fought with the Slytherins, knowing that there would be greater ramifications when you went home. You got punished for your behaviours. I think, you don't believe you deserve happiness without pain. Your parents brainwashed you into thinking that love needed to be earnt. That kindness was weakness. That reality was pain. Sirius, it became something so deeply ingrained in your mind that you stopped acting through rational thought. You running away from the Potter's kind of proves that. They weren't going to cause you pain or punishment for, what in your opinion was bad behaviour, so you acted out to give it to yourself. You forced yourself away from people that love you because it hurt you to do so. You ran away from Remus the first night back because you couldn't handle hurting him. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Sirius just stared. Her words caused a voice in the back of his head to wake up and scream. To make her go away no matter what it took. _Taking advice from a mudblood. Pathetic._ He closed his eyes and held his head in his hands. Was she right? A hand rested on his shoulder and he fought the urge to shake it off. Had he been trying to cause himself pain? Just how fucked up was he to want that? What purpose did it serve to punish oneself?

"Are you okay?" Lily asked gently.

He turned to look at her. She seemed too cool and collected for the speech she'd just given. Was he wrong about her caring about him? She gave a slight smirk.

"Let me guess, you want to make me go far away. Call me all the things under the sun, possibly even push me away. Call me a mudblood."

He shook his head. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Then don't. Don't let the impulses you feel control you. Force them to listen to you or at the very least, the voice of reason. You lashing out or running away from people that care... it hurts them. Dramatically with the latter. James was petrified you'd thrown yourself back into the lake. Or that you'd gotten drunk again and frozen to death in a snow drift. Remus... well he was heartbroken. He blamed himself for it. I know you love them, Sirius. I also know that you probably have it written in the back of your brain that love can't exist without pain. It's not true, but I think you've learnt that in all your years here and visiting the Potter's."

He pulled her into a tight hug. He didn't have words to reply. She was being so level-headed and calm. She cared about him. About the marauders. She was family. He didn't feel lighter per say, but he felt like she'd jumped into his head and gagged the Walburga that lived inside. Lily quietly reminded him that they were only supposed to be out for twenty minutes. With a sigh, he pulled back and stood up, holding his hand out for Lily. She took it and kept it as they walked back. She leaned her head on his arm as they walked and he couldn't help but smile.

"What will people say?" he asked jokingly.

"That you were brainwashed by a muggleborn into thinking you were straight," she replied jovially.

"Well that's bloody impressive if I do say so myself."

She laughed and he continued to smile. Maybe things could get better after all.

* * *

## Remus

Slughorn allowed him to leave early due to overlapping matters and Remus didn't question it. He'd had to leave Sirius alone which he couldn't help but think was a really bad idea. He knew Pomfrey wouldn't let him go anywhere but it still felt wrong. He heard laughter in the hallway and stared in confusion. Sirius was twirling Lily around as they walked, a smile on his face that looked genuine. Lily staggered, the spinning clearly making her dizzy, and Sirius caught her by the arm, halting their movements. He looked happy. Remus decided not to question why they weren't in the hospital wing. Lily was clearly a miracle maker.

"Remus," Lily called. "Did you know that Sirius is a brilliant dancer?"

He chuckled and they crossed the distance towards each other.

"I did know that. He could probably make it seem like I can dance."

"There's no probably about it," Sirius added. "I can make anyone seem like a good dancer."

Remus felt a calm delight spread through him. Sirius almost sounded like himself again. Lily truly was a miracle worker. Sirius smiled at him.

"We're already late, Sirius. Madam Pomfrey is going to chew me out," Lily said with a laugh. "Let's go."

The three of them made their way up to the hospital wing where an impatient Pomfrey was stood beside her office, a deep frown on her face. Remus tried not to laugh at the prospect of Lily being berated for not coming back on time. Sirius kept hold of her hand, almost protectively, and smiled at Pomfrey politely.

"Apologies. We got distracted by the choir practice on our way back in."

The matron looked bewildered by his abrupt change in disposition and waved them off, turning back to her office. They crowded back into the far bed and Lily hugged Sirius tightly.

He watched Sirius slowly get more tired and Lily left to go to bed. When she was gone, Sirius looked Remus directly in the eye. He looked confused, concerned and slightly terrified. Remus waited for him to speak, knowing that he was trying to work something out in his head. He reached foward and took Sirius's hand, squeezing it gently. Sirius closed his eyes and a few stray tears escaped. He forced himself not to speak. Several minutes passed before Sirius opened his eyes again.

"Lily... told me how much I hurt you when I went missing. How much I hurt James. I... I wasn't trying to do that. I was trying to hurt myself."

"Why?"

"Because I was an arsehole at the Potter's. I took their hospitality and shoved it up their noses. I was a burden to them. Mostly, though, it's because I'm truly fucked up in the head. I thought it would somehow make it better. If I was punished for what I'd done... it would have made it better."

"Pads, you didn't deserve to be punished."

"I know that now. Kind of. At least I know it did nothing but cause everyone involved pain. I'm going to have to apologize to the Potter's and I don't really know what to say without coming across as a total nutjob. I just... Lily explained my own behaviour better than I ever could. She seems to know me better than I do. Re, I don't know how to stop myself most of the time."

His tears were coming more frequently and Remus didn't stop himself from pulling him in and holding him close. He sobbed for a while before falling asleep. Remus carefully positioned the both of them on the bed and tried to sleep too. His mind wouldn't settle. Sirius had been badly damaged by his parents. He'd known that, but for Sirius to be the one to spell it out. It broke his heart, awakened the overprotective side of him and made him murderously angry. Walburga and Orion Black both deserved to feel the pain they'd inflicted on their child. He ran his fingers through Sirius's hair to keep himself grounded. They deserved it but he wouldn't be the one to serve it. He was better than they were and so was Sirius.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few days hasn't it...? Reading is very distracting and writing only works when you can keep focused

# Chapter 23

## Sirius

Returning to school was more terrifying than starting it as a first year. His hands shook and his stomach was viciously nauseated. Lily stood by him in potions and quietly kept him focused on the task at hand. She seemed to know when he was starting to panic before he did. He probably would have stayed fine if it weren't for the whispers he heard.

"He wasn't sick. I saw him outside yesterday with the muggleborn," one of the ravenclaw students hissed.

"Then what? He's been skivving off this whole time? Come off it," another one replied.

"Rumour has it, he's gone nuts. His parents disowned him during the summer holidays. I reckon he was locked up."

Without consciously thinking it through, Sirius grabbed Lily's arm. The one stirring her potion. It tipped over in what felt like slow motion and the boiling concoction gushed out towards her. Lily yelped and jumped backwards. Sirius's panic shot up and before he could stop himself, he bolted from the classroom. A buzzing started between his ears and he couldn't think straight. He couldn't breathe. His chest was too tight to expand. He'd probably scalded Lily. Had he done it unintentionally on purpose? His vision started to go black. He vaguely felt hands on his shoulders but couldn't tell if they were real or not. 

"Breathe, Sirius," a gentle voice said. It sounded miles away. "Squeeze my hands and breathe. You're safe, Sirius. You're okay."

He tried to believe the voice. Tried to obey it. He couldn't figure out what was happening. Slowly, he felt reality disappear.

He opened his eyes to find himself staring at toilet cubicles. He was lying on tiled floor and was mildly relieved by the coolness. His head hurt. A lot. He sat up slowly and a hand gently rested on his shoulder. He turned his head to see Lily sat on the floor beside him, a textbook in her lap. She smiled softly.

"You were out for about five minutes, in case you were wondering. If you'd gotten to ten I probably would have sent for help."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I- the potion- they were whispering about me- Lily I-"

She tightened her grip on his shoulder. "Sirius, breathe. I really don't want to make you go back to Pomfrey. I'm fine. The potion didn't touch me. Who was whispering about you?"

He took a deep breath. "Ravenclaws behind us. One of them said there was a rumour that I'd gone nuts. He wasn't wrong but, I'm sorry."

"No harm, no foul. Slughorn loves me too much to even make a dent in my perfect record over one potion. You bolting on the other hand... he wasn't impressed. James and Remus tried to follow you out but he stopped them. I pretended I needed to clean myself off in the bathroom. Kind of why I made you come in here."

"You brought me into the girls bathroom?"

Lily smirked. "I somehow doubt it's the first time for you."

Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. She wasn't wrong. He and the other marauders had often used the bathrooms of both sexes as refuge points during pranks. 

"Come on, Pads," Lily added. "We should get going. Herbology starts in ten minutes."

He didn't want to leave the relative privacy the bathroom offered. He didn't want to face the scrutiny of other students again. He didn't want to be at Hogwarts anymore. Lily got up and held her hand out to him. Reluctantly, he took it.

* * *

## Remus

When the three of them arrived at the greenhouses, Lily and Sirius were already there. He looked a sickly shade of pale and she was whispering something into his ear. Since Professor Sprout hadn't arrived, Remus headed straight over to them, setting Sirius's bag by his feet.

"What happened?" He asked quietly.

Sirius looked at the floor, head hanging like he was ashamed. Lily squeezed his shoulder gently before meeting Remus's gaze.

"The ravenclaws behind us were talking about him. He panicked and passed out from it. Let's leave it at that shall we."

He wanted to argue but Lily didn't look willing to back down. In fact, she looked very defensive on Sirius's behalf. He knew that there would be no further discussion on the topic. Sprout arrived and insisted everyone take their places around the table in the middle.

The second they were dismissed, Sirius bolted again. He didn't wait for anyone. Remus fell into step with Lily.

"So, what the hell is going on with him?" he asked. "Apparently you seem to know him better than I do."

"The same thing that was going on before, Remus. Except, now it's on show. I imagine he's struggling to replace the walls he had. Also, I don't know him better. I just don't have any biases in my way. He's going back to the dorm, by the way."

He pulled her to a stop and met her gaze directly. "Is he going to be okay?"

"I can't answer that, Remus. He has a lot to deal with, especially if people are starting rumours about him. He either will or he won't. I want him to be okay, possibly just as much as you, but I can't tell you the future."

He loathed history of magic at the best of times, but knowing that Sirius was struggling and being completely useless at helping him. James was miraculously missing from the lesson as well. He tried to figure out something he could do. He had to do... he couldn't just do nothing. Lily elbowed him in the ribs and slid a folded up piece of parchment in front of him.

**Remus, you cannot put this much strain on yourself. Sirius isn't your responsibility. He isn't any of ours. You're going to make the full moon worse for yourself again.**

Remus looked at her. She appeared to be diligently taking notes from Binns lecture but her hand was gripping the quill so tightly he was surprised it didn't snap.

_**Lily. I don't have a choice. ~~He~~ Lily I can't just abandon him. He needs us.** _

Lily scowled at him after reading his note before furiously writing a reply.

**I want to slap you! Who the fuck said anything about abandoning him? What I'm suggesting is that you stop thinking about what Sirius needs every second of the day. It isn't your place. I am trying to help him too but I'm still keeping up with school and seeing my other friends. Can you say the same?**

_**It isn't the same thing. You and Sirius are barely even friends.** _

**So you think because I've only just got friendly with him that I don't care? You are obsessing over him. When was the last time you did anything for your own sake. You cannot help Sirius to heal if you burn yourself out. It's common knowledge. I am in no way suggesting that you abandon him or remove yourself from the situation entirely, but you need to step back. Look at the whole thing, including yourself.**

Remus stared at the parchment. Why was it a running trend for everyone to want him to back off from Sirius? Did they think he was making the issue worse? Was he making it worse? He felt a pit form where his stomach was supposed to be. As soon as they were dismissed for lunch, Remus headed away from the great hall. He wasn't hungry. The world had tilted and he was about to fall off.


	24. Chapter 24

# Chapter 24

## Sirius

He buried his face into his pillow. James had joined him in the dorm five minutes after he'd arrived but hadn't said a word. Sirius knew that he should talk to his best friend but the words wouldn't straighten out in his head, let alone form on his tongue. The fact that James was so silent made him feel worse. The year before, the marauder couldn't sit still for more than ten minutes. 

Sirius rolled over and peeked through his curtains to see his best mate staring at floating bits of parchment with a look of absolute distraction on his face. He sighed.

"I'm sorry."

James turned his head, a slight frown between his eyebrows. "What for?"

"Everything. I shouldn't have run away after christmas. I shouldn't have disappeared when term started again. I shouldn't be such an arse to you or your parents. I'm just... sorry. If you or your parents don't want me back, I completely understand and I'll look for somewhere else to go."

"Don't be a pillock. Mum and Dad want you nowhere but home. I happen to agree. But," James flicked his wand and the parchment gathered themselves into a pile before settling on his bed. "Pads... you've already apologized. Repeating apologies won't change anything."

Sirius shook his head. He knew that. Apologizing repeatedly to Remus hadn't helped at all. If anything it made it worse. He just didn't know what else he was supposed to do in order to make up for his completely unacceptable behaviour. The drinking, the running away, the skivving, the generally shitty manners, his incapabilty to function... the list was growing more extensive by the day. He rolled onto his back and let the curtain fall closed again. He was such a screw up.

Apparently, James was not about to let the silence fall again because the curtains were spelled open and he was stood by his bed, arms folded stubbornly.

"I'm really fucking tired of not being able to help you out, Pads. I'm supposed to be your best mate but you won't talk to me or explain anything enough for me to try and help. Now budge over."

Sirius complied and shifted to the other side of the bed, letting Prongs lay down beside him, shoulders pressed together. Sirius didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to explain any of it. He barely understood it himself. 

"Right, from what I gather, all the shit in your head is complicated," James said quietly. "Can you start by explaining what the fuck happened in potions?"

Sirius groaned. "That... I was freaking the fuck out being back in school anyway but Lily was helping and then... the ravenclaws behind us started talking about me. They weren't wrong but I couldn't handle it. I grabbed Lily's arm and the potion came flying towards her. I panicked and ran. The panic attack kind of took over. I didn't know where I was going. Lily found me and dragged me into the toilets where I promptly passed out from not breathing. It was pathetic."

"What were they saying?" James's voice had taken an icy turn.

"They were debating where I'd been. One of them hit the nail right on the head when he said I'd gone nuts. He wasn't far off saying I'd been locked up either."

"Sirius, if it weren't counterintuitive, I would slap you for both those statements."

He shot his friend a glance. Things really were serious if James was using big words. James looked straight back at him.

"I'm sorry," was the only thing that came out of Sirius's mouth. 

Apologies seemed to be all he was capable of anymore. James sighed before burrowing his arm under Sirius's neck and silently stroking his hair. Sirius hated to admit it but even in human form, he adored the sensation. It was also incredibly relaxing. He felt tension drain out of his muscles that he wasn't even aware had been there. 

"Sirius, you're not well, but you're not a nutjob or in need of being locked up. The only credible danger you pose is to yourself. I'm not going to let you badmouth yourself the way Remus has been for years. I won't allow it. However, those ravenclaws need to be taught the same lesson since I can't bash them over the head for it," James said gently. "I think a prank of epic proportions is in order. If you took the fall for it, well then all the time you spent absent can be put down to planning. Wouldn't you agree?"

Sirius smirked. "Is this just your way of avoiding taking the fall?"

"I'm offended that you'd even suggest such a thing?"

The fake insult was obvious in his voice and Sirius had no choice but to feel a bit better. 

"You think we could convince Lily to join in?" he asked.

"Depression has made you devious, my friend. We should definitely try."

* * *

## Remus

He sat by the lake, scowling at the water. It was cold but he refused to move. How could his helping Sirius be making him worse? It didn't make any sort of sense. His lycanthropy had been more than helped by the other marauders getting involved. The full moons Sirius spent with him were the ones he recovered from the fastest. How could his help possibly be a hinderance? He grabbed a handful of almost dead grass and yanked it out of the ground. He didn't quite understand what Sirius had found so interesting beside the lake. He was just getting more frustrated by the minute. Someone approached him but he didn't bother looking up. If it was a slytherin, he'd happily give them a duel. If it were a teacher, he'd go inside if they made him. If it was a marauder or Lily, well he would probably end up talking too much and making himself sound like a numpty.

"What the hell is the fascination with the lake? Especially in this weather," Lily complained before casting a very powerful heating charm.

Remus looked up at her. "Nobody said _you_ had to come sit by it."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well you having a strop that leads to a spiral isn't exactly something I'd like to watch either."

"I'm not having a strop!"

"Sure you're not," she said, sitting beside him. "You just decided to subject yourself to freezing temperatures and sit by your larry for the sheer entertainment it holds. Likely story, Rem. Be sure to sell it to the Prophet."

He glared at her for a moment before turning his attention back to the lake. He wasn't going to say she was right. Even if it wasn't far off. She made a noise of vague satisfaction.

"Explain to me how me helping Sirius is hurting him?" he asked.

"I never said it was. At least, that wasn't the intention. It's hurting you, Remus. Don't even try to pretend it's not. You're tired all the time, you got hit by the full moon very hard last time it was at school and for christ's sake you are literally never anywhere without him. You even got dragged into spending christmas at the Potter's."

"I agreed to go."

"You never should have been asked! You have never held a lot of value for yourself, Remus. You've been self-deprecating since first year and you regularly get yourself in situations that will negatively impact you, even when it's unnecessary. What I'm saying, is that you need a life outside of Sirius Black before he drags you so far into his spiral that you both need help."

Remus fell back and stared at the sky. It was one large stretch of grey cloud with occasional hints of white. It suggested snow was coming. Lily looked down at him with a strange sort of pity in her expression. He couldn't tell if it was him she was pitying or Sirius or the whole situation but he also wasn't going to ask. That would just suck.

"What would you suggest I do? My friends are you and the marauders. I have no inclination to make any new ones this close to school ending for us or with my secret still existing. The last date I went on ended up with me being told she loved me after _one_ date. Lily, I don't have any interests beyond getting good grades, keeping my furry problem hidden and hanging out with the marauders. I read recreationally when I'm around my friends because I'm at peace there. What exactly would you suggest I do?"

She sighed heavily. "Remus, you sound like an old man, are you aware?"

Despite his desire to feel insulted, he laughed. It turned into a complete laughing fit that Lily partook in as well. 

Once he was sat back up, clutching his stomach, he tried to not be defensive about what Lily was saying. She wasn't entirely wrong. Sirius was spiralling very close to a complete mental breakdown (again) and Remus's mood correlated to how the animagus felt. It was almost like a toxic symbiotic relationship. He wanted to take a step back but he didn't really know how to without completely abandoning him. Every step back felt like a betrayal. He shook his head. It wasn't betraying him if Sirius didn't ask him to stay.

"We should head back inside and have lunch," Lily said gently. "You're going to have no chance at paying attention in arithmancy if you don't eat." 

He nodded but made no move to get up. Arithmancy was dreadfully dull and he currently had no interest in even attending, let alone paying attention. Lily shoved his shoulder.

"Remus Lupin, I will levitate you back to the castle if you don't get up in the next minute!"

He looked up at her and debated whether she was being serious. She withdrew her wand and raised an eyebrow in challenge. She would definitely follow through if he didn't stand up. He reached his arm up and she hauled him to his feet with a huff.

They started walking up for lunch when Lily's heating charm wore off. He shuddered immediately and Lily let out a quiet squeak before recasting the charm. How had he managed to sit outside without it for... he actually had no idea how long he'd been sat on the semi-frozen ground. He cast _tempus_ and noted that it had been about fifteen minutes since lunch had began. 

"We should go to the library after school," Remus suggested nonchalantly.

"Yes, we should. You can catch up on all the essays you've been avoiding," Lily replied, a chastizing hint to her words.

"How do you even know that?"

"Sirius told me."

He made a noise of indignation. He'd been ratted on by Sirius? When had the tables turned so far away from him? It was almost like the roles had been reversed and the animagus was more studious than him. He shook his head. He definitely needed to back off before he was dragged into the spiral too.


	25. Chapter 25

# Chapter 25

## Sirius

It was safe to say that Lily was positively fuming at the concept of being dragged into a prank. At least, until Sirius explained why they were pranking Ravenclaw. Then she scowled at James before joining them in the common room alcove. James shot him an impressed smirk before delving in to the potential ideas. Lily was surprisingly thorough at pointing out the potential risks and lightning fast to shoot down any idea that involved more than semi-permanent damage (though any idea that remotely led to physical harm was taken off the table entirely). By the time Remus showed up looking for her, they'd nailed it down to two parallel pranks that could be performed simultaneously. 

"What were the three of you up to?" Remus asked, eyeing them all wearily.

Sirius smirked. "Well rumour has it, I've gone nuts. Just planning to prove them right."

"More like prove that they're the ones who've gone nuts," Lily mumbled, slight irritation in her voice.

Remus stared at her with wide eyes before blatantly suppressing a grin. "Have they corrupted you, Evans?"

She scowled but didn't offer a response. Instead, she headed through the portrait hole by herself. The three of them burst out laughing, getting more worked up each time they looked at one another. Sirius hated to admit that he still felt hollow. He was happy, but it wasn't... right. He was inside a body that no longer felt capable of anything good. He was immediately sobered up and panicked by the suggestion of going to back to lessons. He felt sick. 

"Sirius," Remus said carefully, "Breathe, before you pass out."

He shook his head. At least if he passed out he wouldn't have to go back to class. He wouldn't have to listen to any of their rumours. Wouldn't have to face-

"Pads, I'm going to be with you for the rest of the day. Anyone says anything, they'll be jinxed until they apologize," James said firmly. "I'm not going to let them do this to you."

Sirius looked at his brother. James had a steely look on his face, the one typically used when protecting younger kids from bullies. He was not to be messed with and he meant every word he'd said. Sirius felt his anxiety lessen. He swallowed hard and nodded. What kind of Gryffindor was he to need protection to face the world? He tried not to flinch as his inner monologue started up again. He wished he could explain that it wasn't just other people that were causing him problems. He was too.

James remained true to his word. Anytime someone even remotely suggested he wasn't himself, they were hit by any number of relatively harmless jinxes until they ran off. Sirius wanted to feel protected, to feel secure, but all he felt was guilt and self-loathing. Why was he being such a coward? Why was he letting his brother fight his battles? What kind of Gryffindor was he? How pathetic could he get?

When they returned to the common room, Sirius bolted up to the dorm and locked himself in the bathroom. Hot tears of rage spilled down his cheeks. He was useless. He should have died. He shouldn't be in school. He shouldn't- He could feel his magic spilling out of him, rattling the window menacingly. Someone was knocking on the door but he didn't care. He turned on the spot and looked at himself in the mirror. Even his reflection looked pathetic. Crying like a baby because people were telling the truth? Coward! His fist struck out of it's own accord and the mirror shattered. He vaguely felt the pain in his hand but mostly, he just felt rage. Rage at himself. Rage at his parents. Rage at the school. Rage at Remus for saving his miserable excuse of a life. Rage at fate for allowing that to happen. The window flew inwards, shards of glass ricocheting around the room, a couple slicing into his skin. He knew he was bleeding, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He let himself fall to his knees, the glass and mirror pieces shredding his robes and cutting into his body. He welcomed the pain as the rage slowly subsided. This was normal. This was what he deserved. 

The door flew open, clearly having been hit by some form of spell, and James swore behind him. Sirius listened to the crunch of glass as his brother walked around to look upon the pathetic excuse he was.

"Sirius, what the fuck happened?" he asked.

He just shrugged. "Mentally fucked up did fucked up things."

He knew the sentence made no sense. He knew he should probably give a shit. He knew a lot of things he was incapable of doing or fixing. James crouched down in front of him, no anger but plenty of fear in his eyes, and slowly plucked a mirror shard out of his cheek.

"Let's get you fixed up," he said gently.

"Just leave me alone."

"That is never going to happen, Pads. Accept it."

* * *

## Remus

Lily managed to force four essays out of him before he refused to do any more. He hated to admit that he actually enjoyed hanging out with her and her friends. Marlene was brilliant (it was hardly surprising Sirius had befriended her so easily), Dorcas was sweet and witty, and Mary was feisty. They made him forget that essays sucked more than blast-ended skrewts and that his former boyfriend was losing his mind. By the time curfew came around and they headed back to their respective common rooms (poor Dorcas had to make the trip down to the Hufflepuff common room alone), Remus felt lighter than he had in weeks. That of course, came to an abrupt end when he entered the dorm. 

James was lying in Sirius's bed, holding the other boy tightly. The bathroom was a scene of mass destruction and the blood instantly became a cause of concern. Peter was sat on his bed, now watching Remus.

"He did that after dinner. Took a solid two hours for James to get him out of their, another thirty minutes to get him to agree to medical help. Hasn't said what made him do it," Peter said quietly.

Remus stared at him, then at the two on the bed. James looked like he was awake but he wasn't moving away from Sirius. Trying to swallow his guilt, Remus walked over to the bathroom. On closer inspection, the mirror had clearly been hit, likely by a fist, but the window... had Sirius lost control of his magic? That wasn't likely. Had he made it happen intentionally? Despite how much it hurt to admit, it was the likeliest option. He drew his wand and silently returned the room to it's former condition. He looked at the door. It was half hanging on it's hinges, clearly having been struck by a very powerful blast. Remus fixed that too. He then shut himself in and got ready for bed.

He laid on his bed but didn't sleep. Couldn't really. He stared at Sirius, spooned by James, and tried to not feel guilty. The likelihood was that Sirius would have gone neuclear whether he'd been around or not but still, he couldn't avoid feeling the blame. None of them seemed to be helping him anymore. Sirius was like a volatile potion. One wrong ingredient, or not stirring it enough or too much, and the thing would explode. The problem was, none of them knew the ingredients or instructions for potion a la Sirius.

When morning came, Remus hadn't slept a wink. As soon as the room started to light up from the window, he got dressed and headed down to the common room to wait for Lily. Or for breakfast to start, either way. Lily emerged and frowned at him.

"Have you slept?" she asked.

"Nope," he replied. "Need to talk to you about what happened while we were in the library."

Lily folded her arms but said nothing. He shook his head and headed towards the portrait hole. He didn't need anyone else hearing the conversation. They made their way towards Myrtle's bathroom and locked the door. Remus double checked they were alone before facing Lily.

"He's gone nuts, Lily," he whispered. "I say that with as much love as I can but I honestly don't think any of us are actually helping him anymore. He destroyed the bathroom. He punched the mirror and the window smashed inwards. James had to force him to be treated. It would appear he also barricaded the bathroom so that James had to blast the bloody thing open. He would have let himself bleed out, Lily. Nobody sane would do that. He has, in fact, gone completely fucking nuts."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "You think that because he deliberately caused himself pain that he's nuts?"

"Can you tell me anyone who's sane that does?"

"It's not about being insane, Remus. It's about him trying to grasp on the reality he once had. Pain is what he knows. It's something of a comfort to him, as twisted as that mentality is. He's not insane. He's been traumatized and abused. He's had his head fucked with. His reality is not the same as ours in that regard, Remus."

He stared at her and she rolled her eyes.

"Remus, he doesn't process things in the same way other people do. His lines between what is safe and what is typical are blurred. He's not the only one with a twisted view of reality. You do too. You've just been learning a better mindset since first year, because of Sirius and James and Peter. I helped from second year onwards. He is going to explode, Remus. He's going to go off the rails and be self-destructive because that is what he knows how to do."

He shook his head and scrubbed his eyes. How could someone inflict pain on themselves because they wanted the pain? He had injured himself countless times as Moony but that was because he had no control of it. He loathed the pain when he woke up. He resented pain and did his best to avoid it wherever possible.

"He was happy, Lily," Remus whispered. "He was happy. He was planning a prank. How does he go from that to destroying the bathroom?"

"Was he happy, Remus?" she asked. "Or was he putting a face on? His walls have been down for a while. How quickly did he stop being happy when school was suggested?"

He felt like she'd punched him in the gut. She hadn't even been in the room but she knew exactly how he'd reacted. Why hadn't he paid more attention? Sirius had been sucked straight into the beginnings of a panic attack as soon as school was so much as mentioned. He'd seemed to have calmed down when James had promised to stay with him. Had he? Or had he just buried it? 

"Fuck," Remus breathed.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW self h*rm in Sirius section

# Chapter 26

## Sirius

By the time easter came around, he had had at least four breakdowns. Two with James, one with Lily and one, unfortunately, with just Peter. He managed to avoid the destruction around Remus but it typically made the eventual disaster so much worse. He hadn't gotten any better and he knew that all of the marauders (including Lily because honestly, she was by that point) were terrified. Both of him and for him. Their prank against the ravenclaws had been a success, though he'd been having a breakdown in the boys toilets when it had gone down. He'd still taken the fall for it though, if only so that James, Remus and Lily could stay in Minnie's good books. He'd recieved a week's detention for it. The professors appeared to be lulled into a sense of false security in his behaviour as he'd done an exceedingly good job at pretending everything was fine. The marauders had all covered up his explosions, repairing everything to how it had once been. It bothered him a lot. It made him feel like he was well and truly a Black. As if he expected to be able to do whatever he wanted and have lackeys fix it for him. It made him feel like Voldemort.

"Sirius, mum and dad are waiting, come on," James said, shaking his shoulder slightly. 

He'd all but fallen asleep the entire train ride and the others had let him. Safer that way for all involved. Though he somehow doubted he'd have a meltdown that could harm Remus. That was usually the only goal he had in mind. It just wasn't physical harm he was concerned with. He always made sure to lock himself in a seperate room when things began exploding. Sirius got up and followed James off the train, letting him lead the way to his parents. Mr Potter was the only one around and took them both by the arms, apparating them back to the manor. Sirius walked around the house to sit on the bench in the back garden. He knew he needed to apologize but couldn't bring himself to face them like that. He'd only come "home" for the holiday because McGonagle refused to let him without a valid reason and he'd been incapable of coming up with one. 

"Now then, Sirius," Mr Potter said, sitting on the bench beside him. "You gave us a rather big scare when you disappeared at christmas. Can you give me your word it won't happen again?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Not like Hogsmeade was much fun."

"What made you leave without telling anyone? Without leaving a note."

"I've been told I replicate my youth in the form of reckless behaviour. Self punishment as it were."

"Whatever were you punishing yourself for?"

"For being a prat, sir. I was awful over the holidays and over summer. I'm still being a prat."

"Sirius, have you met my son? Do you think he was always well behaved? Do you honestly believe that he has never acted, to use your words, like a prat?"

He shrugged again. "It's different. He's your son. You're good parents and have to keep him, even if he acts like a prat."

"Listen to me very carefully, Sirius. The moment you arrived in your dreadful condition during the summer, we became your legal guardians. For all intents and purposes, you are also our son, and therefore cannot get rid of you either. Not that we want to, and for clarification purposes, your behaviour at christmas, was not what we'd consider prat behaviour. You're a brilliant young man, Sirius, but you have more demons in your head than many adults will ever know. My wife and I won't fault you for that. Do you understand?"

He nodded. He didn't believe it, but he'd play the part they wanted him to play. He'd stay in sight of the house and not run off again, even if he deserved to be alone, because that's what they wanted. He'd pretend to be the brilliant person they'd warped him to be in their heads. Obedience. Willful obedience. It wasn't like he was much good at anything anyway. They'd eventually clock onto how worthless he was and kick him out. It was only a matter of time.

"Come along, Sirius," Mr Potter said, patting him on the shoulder. "Time for dinner."

He knew that James was waiting for an outburst. In all honesty, so was he. He knew there'd be no hiding an explosion at the manor though. He knew it would terrify the Potter's. It would be the opposite of willful obedience. However, despite knowing that he couldn't have an explosive outburst, he could feel the dam begging to burst. He needed to do something before the explosion came about. 

That night, he opted to a less explosive, but still harmful option. He also wagered that because it was a magical household, the trace wouldn't be closely observed. He also wasn't that bothered by committing a minor crime if it meant not upsetting the Potter's by blowing up their house. Once everyone had gone to sleep, he took his wand into the bathroom and locked the door, prepping the first aid kit to avoid leaking over everything. Once the bandages and gauze were ready, he aimed his wand at his wrist.

"Diffindo," he whispered.

He kept his intent mild and, while it hurt, he barely felt it. He just knew it was painful from past experience. He repeated the action several times on both arms before holding his wand between his teeth and wrapping the cuts in bandages. The dam inside his head wasn't quite so pressurized anymore. It certainly wasn't the same as blowing up, but it worked for the time being. When he was done binding his wrists, he set about cleaning his blood from everything with a cleaning charm. He figured that he'd already done underage magic, it couldn't get much worse. Once everything was back as it was, he unlocked the door and scarpered back to his bedroom, wherein he pulled a long sleeved muggle top on and fell asleep.

He woke up the next morning with a light knock on his door.

"Sirius, you up?" Lily's voice asked.

Frowning, he sat up and called her in. She slipped into the room and shut the door behind her, sitting on the bed beside him.

"Whatcha doing here, Lily?" he asked.

"I came to see how you were doing," she replied, "but also to talk to you about Tunie. You're the only one of my friends that has any siblings."

"What about Petunia?" He blatantly ignored the first half.

"She's got this boyfriend. Brought him home for the first time to meet mum and dad. He's awful. Spouts out rubbish about how normal he and his family are and that he's going to marry Petunia. Says he'll take her away from all the abnormality our family allows. Not once did she defend us. Even when he targeted me. I wanted to punch him. Started losing control of my magic too. I just- what would you have done?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "You're really asking me that question. I'd have punched him and deliberately lost control of my magic, Lils. As we've established, I'm not exactly the pinacle of impulse control."

"Even if it meant proving him right and losing your sister completely?"

Sirius shrugged. "Reggie already opted to lose me by obeying our parents. I've lost him completely. I still love him and it pisses me off that he's likely going to end up hurt or dead, but it's out of my hands. Petunia is making that choice herself. Even without punching the guy, she's clearly chosen his side. I think you need to accept that you've already lost your sister for good."

Lily flopped sideways on the bed, frowning at the ceiling. It wasn't what she wanted to hear, even if it was the truth. He stayed silent while she contemplated until eventually, Mrs Potter called them down for breakfast. Sirius slid off the bed and Lily followed. 

"You ignored the first part of what I said, Pads. How are you?"

He shrugged dismissively. Apparently, that wasn't a good enough answer. She grabbed his arm and he didn't suppress the flinch in time. She dragged him to a stop and stepped in front of him. Her eyes were blazing.

"Lift your sleeves, Padfoot," she said, eerily calm.

"No," he replied.

"Sirius, what did you do?"

"It's nothing. We need to go to breakfast."

She grabbed both his arms and he definitely couldn't avoid the wince. It hadn't hurt when he'd done it, but pressure really wasn't comfortable.

"If it's _nothing_ then why does it hurt?"

"Leave it alone, Lily. It was this or blow up the house. I wasn't going to let that happen. Just drop it."

"Show me. If it's not that bad, I will leave it alone. Otherwise, I will tell Euphemia."

He glared at her but knew there was no alternative, save obliviating her memory. He also knew that she would tell Mrs Potter anyway, regardless of what she saw. He rolled up his sleeves and Lily hissed when she saw the bandages, the guaze beneath bloody and gross. In an attempt to leave the injuries where they were, he dropped his arms and said,

"I would be lying if I said that they didn't hurt when you pushed on them, but other than that, I don't feel it. Just as I don't feel it when I blow shit up at school. Please, just leave it alone, Lily. We'll be back at school in less than a week."

She shook her head. "I can't leave you like this Sirius and I'm not about to do underage magic. This is bad."

He shrugged. He was already tired of fighting her. Of fighting everyone. He rolled his sleeves back down and headed for breakfast.

Lily stayed silent until he'd eaten and whispered a brief warning to James before heading off to find Mrs Potter. James stared at him across the table but didn't say a word. He came to the conclusion that his explosions at school were going to be uncovered and, surprisingly, that made him feel a little better. He also knew his wand would be confiscated for the rest of the holiday. When his name was called, he headed into the living room, James hot on his heels. Mrs Potter asked him to sit down and roll up his sleeves. When he did, the two Potter's made strange sounds of discomfort. The bandages were disappeared with a wave of Mrs Potter's wand and he stared at the naked wounds. They looked worse in the light of day. Wider. For all of a few seconds anyway before they were healed with magic. Once he was left with vague little scars, he pulled his sleeves back down and stared at the floor.

"How did you manage that, Sirius?" Mrs Potter asked.

"Diffindo spell," he replied, maintaining his honesty despite the trouble it'd get him in.

"What for?"

"Making the pressure in my head go away before I blew your house up."

"I take it that has happened before. I presume at Hogwarts."

He nodded but didn't add any commentary. He didn't particularly want to involve James or Lily in his nightmare if at all possible.

"I see," Mrs Potter said, assuming an adult tone. "And how is it that you blew up bits of the school and not a single owl was sent home?"

He shrugged. He didn't want to lie but he didn't need to get the other two in trouble. 

"We covered for him, mum," James said quietly. "Made sure he was healed and everything. Repaired anything that got broken. The teachers, as far as we know, are unaware that it happened."

"How many times?"

"Eight, I think," Lily replied. "Possibly nine."

Despite what the three of them had admitted to, Mrs Potter stayed remarkably calm and dismissed them. He couldn't help but notice her head to the floo network and wondered where she could be going. He hoped it wasn't Hogwarts. That would definitely not end well for any of them.

* * *

## Remus

The atmosphere was tense when he entered their compartment. Sirius was tucked into the corner, staring at the window, while James and Lily looked very concerned.

"What happened?" he asked, sitting beside Sirius.

James and Lily shared a look before the former launched a wand in his direction. It took him a few seconds to realize it was Sirius's wand. He ignored his first instinct to return it to it's owner and Sirius didn't bother trying to claim it. He glanced at the other two and realized neither of them wanted to explain. He looked at Sirius, who sighed.

"Underage magic with the intent to harm, Moony. That's why they don't want to say it," he said quietly.

"Harm who?" Remus asked, though he knew the answer already.

"Who'd you think? I don't hurt the rest of you intentionally."

He felt sick. Sirius had intentionally used harmful magic on himself. It was somehow worse than exploding a room around himself. None of them said anything more on the topic the entire train ride. Remus didn't get involved with their conversations. He just fiddled with Sirius's wand. The animagus didn't ask for it back even when they arrived at Hogwarts. 

The five of them were apprehended before they got into the great hall, by a very tense McGonagle. James, Lily and Sirius all seemed to have known it was coming. He and Peter were scrabbling. It wouldn't be good, no matter what the reason was. Once the door was shut behind them, their head of house sat behind her desk and gestured to the five seats before it. He sat between Padfoot and Peter.

"Would any of you like to explain why I recieved a fire call from Mrs Potter informing me that there was uncontrolled magic destroying school property?" she asked.

None of them said anything until Sirius lifted his head. 

"Professor, with all due respect, it wasn't uncontrolled magic. It was intentional. James, Lily and Peter just covered for me because they didn't want me to get in any trouble. Remus wasn't involved."

The air got very tense. Remus glanced at Sirius before looking back at McGonagle. All of them seemed to be waiting with bated breath for their punishments. He could feel his heart racing. He had the urge to defend Sirius, to claim his own involvement, but he couldn't act on it. Mostly because it would have been a lie. After the first time, he'd been nowhere near the explosions. Based on Sirius's words, it was definitely intentional.

"Mr Black, what purpose could you possibly have to destroying the school?"

"The school being destroyed is a by product, Professor. It's a means to an end."

"And what end are you trying to accomplish?"

"Releasing the pressure inside my head from being a failure, Professor. From being incapable of attending lessons without needing a bodyguard, because my absence was noticed by the student body. My inabilty to be a good friend who can keep secrets. My inability to be a functional human, Professor. The pressure goes away when harm is inflicted upon myself and allowing my magic to explode leaves me too tired to care about all of my inefficiencies. I fully understand that my actions are inappropriate but I'd be lying if I said that it would never happen again. If that means I can no longer be a student here, then by all means expell me. I only ask that you leave these four out of it. None of them condone my behaviour, even if they won't admit it. I terrify them in more ways than one. It's inexcusable."

All eyes turned to Sirius. He looked vaguely dead behind the eyes. Remus barely dared to breathe. The tension was thick in the air, so thick it could probably be cut with a knife. Sirius kept his gaze on McGonagle and was hardly blinking. 

"Miss Evans, Mr Pettigrew, five points from each of you. Please head to the feast," McGonagle said. 

The two of them stood and silently left the room. When it was just him, Padfoot and Prongs, their head of house stood up, walking around to the front of her desk and leaning against it. Remus glanced at James and saw his fear reflected in the hazel eyes. What was going to happen?

"Sirius, I am not about to expell you for actions I've no proof of. As for your comment on being a failure, I can assure you that there isn't a single class in which you are not in the top five students. I am, however, concerned about your intentional self harming. This isn't a healthy coping strategy," she said. "What other methods have you tried?"

"I've tried talking about it, Professor. It worked for a little while but stopped being effective. I've tried running away but that didn't help. I've also tried to ignore the pressure in my head but that just leads to a bigger explosion," Sirius replied.

"What is it that causes the pressure to build up in the first place?"

"Everything, Professor. Every reminder that I am not capable of being functional. Even the prank I participated in last term failed to bring me any sense of achievement. It's high time that everyone stops wasting their efforts on me and gives them to people who'd actually achieve something in the process."

At that, McGonagle seemed stunned. She took another fifteen points from their house before sending them to the infirmary to recieve calming droughts and dreamless sleep potions for Sirius.

Once Sirius had taken his potion and was out for the count, Remus stared at him. He couldn't understand where the boy he'd dated and befriended had gone. The ghost who lay in the bed before him was everything his Padfoot had been. There was no fight left in him.

"What did he do over the holidays, James?" 

When he didn't get a response, Remus lifted his head. James had gone pale.

"He... slashed his forearms up using diffindo. He tried to hide it but Lily found out and told mum. He told Lily that unless the wounds were pressed, he couldn't feel them. I honestly don't think he cares what happens to him anymore."

Peter squeaked before climbing into bed and willing his own ignorance about the situation. Remus exhaled deeply. He was supposed to be taking a step back. He was supposed to stop himself from being pulled into the vortex. He was supposed to be thinking about himself. 

_How can you even contemplate stepping back when Sirius is one step away from throwing himself back into the lake?_

"None of us would blame you if you walked away, Remus," James said quietly. "You have enough to deal with without him."

Remus snapped his head up again. "You honestly think I'm _capable_ of walking away? Padfoot dragged me into his tailspin before there even was one. I care about him too much to leave."

"Remus, he's trying to protect you from it and making it worse for himself. I've seen it happen. He'll be with you when the pressure builds up but to keep you from seeing it, he shuts down. As soon as he can make a break for it, he does twice the normal damage. You walking away might keep him alive."

"What about me, Prongs? You think I don't need him too."

"If you hang around, there might not be a him for much longer!"


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So as you've noticed, Hogwarts isn't particularly good at dealing with Sirius's mental health. While it's also an intentional plot point that magic during the 70's didn't have much in the way of mental health protection, it's unfortunately also a reflection of my own school days.
> 
> Also, Sirius behaves in a vile manner in this chapter. I apologize for his behaviour

# Chapter 27

## Sirius

The calming droughts did nothing to stop the pressure inside his head. They just made him feel even more numb. It got so bad that he couldn't think straight. His grades began to slip and he ended up in detentions for four different subjects, making up the essays he'd missed out on. He didn't stop taking them though. He considered them his punishment for destroying parts of the school. McGonagle seemed less than impressed by his behaviour and he didn't blame her. Honestly, he was just waiting to be expelled. In the evening prior to a full moon, where Remus had been in bed, James had been at Quidditch practice and Lily was on her prefect rounds, Sirius knew he had to do something about the constant numbness within. 

"Hey Marlene," he said, cornering his former girlfriend.

She frowned at him. "Hey, Sirius. Why do you have that look in your eye?"

"Because I need something from you."

"Figured. You haven't said a word to me this entire school year."

"Apologies. I need you to let me snog you."

Marlene stared at him with wide eyes. "Are you high?"

"No but rumour has it you're getting rather close with Dorcas. Wouldn't want anything to get out now, would you?"

"You're blackmailing me?"

He nodded and waited for her to make up her mind. Sirius knew what her parents were like, he'd met them a couple times when they'd dated in fourth year. He also knew exactly how bigoted they were. Marlene crossed her arms tightly, pursed her lips and glared at him. He didn't react. He knew he deserved it. After a few moments, she huffed a sigh, grabbed him by the arm and hauled him over to the window seat before closing the curtain and sitting down.

"Just so you're aware, this is all kinds of wrong," she hissed.

He sat between her legs and the snogging began.

It went on for at least half an hour before he began to feel something. Unfortunately for him, none of it was positive. Instead, he felt guilt, self-loathing, rage, self-hatred, pain. He wasn't the first to notice his tears. Marlene pulled back, a look of deep concern on her face.

"Sirius... I don't know what's going on with you," she said. "I don't know and maybe I don't want to but we can't keep doing this."

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

The words came out as mumbled whispers. She sighed, pulling him close and stroking his hair. She said soothing nonsense to him as he sobbed silently. Eventually he calmed down and drifted off into a light sleep. Marlene didn't once complain or try to leave and he was reminded of just how good of a person she was. Even after his irredeemable behaviour, she was kind.

The curtain was pulled open and he fought against waking up. 

"Sirius, get up," Lily said firmly. "Marlene needs to go to bed."

To her credit, Marlene didn't remove her arms until he sat up and even then, hesitated under Lily's frown at leaving him. Once it was just him and Lily, he turned towards the room and stared at the floor. He felt so much shame. So much guilt.

"Care to explain what I just walked in on?"

He shrugged. "We were snogging, I had a breakdown and she held me. Nothing particularly shocking, Evans."

"You snogged Marlene?"

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"Would be the first time since you broke up and started dating Remus. Sirius, what the fuck?"

He looked up at her. "Remus and I are no longer a couple, Lily. Haven't been since the incident last year. You know that."

"Could have fooled me!"

Lily looked furious, as if he had actually cheated on Remus. It was one thing he'd never do. Infidelity was not okay, even in his fucked up potion adled brain. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the window, not particularly caring about her glare. He knew she wouldn't hit him and any verbal rebuke she could give had nothing on his internal monologue.

"Sirius, what the hell! What made you snog Marlene? She's not even into you anymore."

He shrugged again. "Needed to feel something, Lily. Needed to not feel like I'm separated from a world I can interact with yet feel nothing of. I know Marlene isn't into me but I needed someone who wasn't about to gossip about it."

"And you can be so sure that Marlene won't."

"Yeah, I can. I blackmailed her into it, Lily. She won't tell anyone about it."

The silence was deafening and irate. Sirius met Lily's gaze for all of a few seconds before dropping it to the ground.

"Blackmailed her with what, exactly?"

The words were spat at him with scarcely contained rage. He knew that if he had been anyone else, she would have hexed him or punched him. Clearly she was very protective of her friends. He shrugged.

"Now it's not my knowledge to tell. I never would have. You'll have to ask her but I doubt she'll tell you either. It's a secret she doesn't want anyone to know. She never even told me I just worked it out. Shall I go to bed now since I assume it's curfew?"

Lily looked mildly taken aback and he walked past her, heading towards the boys dorm. Before he reached the stairs Lily called out,

"You need to tell him, Pads. You might officially be broken up but we both know that's not entirely true. He still loves you."

He didn't turn back or respond. Didn't know how to. How was he supposed to tell Remus, who was _not_ his boyfriend anymore, that he'd snogged his ex. Especially since Remus half knew that Marlene was not into the male population. How was he supposed to explain that he'd blackmailed her with outing her? He shook his head and walked up the stairs. He couldn't think about it anymore tonight. He needed to sleep.

He spent the full moon with Prongs and Moony (Peter had detention). He wanted to enjoy it but kept getting distracted by not having told Remus about the snog. It made no sense but he felt as though he somehow had betrayed him all over again. Prongs just barely managed to prevent Moony from tearing his side open and, even in his animal form, James managed to glare at him. He knew it was a dangerous game to play being this distracted in the presence of a werewolf, but he couldn't help it. He needed to tell Remus the truth, even if it meant losing him forever. 

He stayed with Remus until he got his bearings before disappearing upstairs, moments before Madam Pomfrey entered the shack. James would give him grief for his poor timing skills but he didn't particularly care. All he wanted to do was talk to Remus but knew that it wouldn't be until the evening, at the earliest where he could do so without causing the werewolf more problems.

* * *

## Remus

The day after the full moon, thankfully a saturday, Remus had to talk to Sirius. According to James, Moony had almost torn him to shreds because Sirius had been distracted. At least that was the hope. The alternative was that Sirius had been aiming to get injured and that just wasn't acceptable. The mere idea of it hurt to think about. When it was just the two of them left in the dorm, Remus sat on his bed.

"What happened during the full, Pads?" 

Sirius looked up from whatever textbook he'd been staring at and appeared guilty.

"I wasn't trying to get killed, if that's what you mean."

"I mean, what happened? Prongs said he had to stop Moony at least three times. You know how dangerous it is to get distracted during the full."

The animagus slumped where he sat, losing the pureblooded rigidity he'd yet to lose, and started counting his fingers. Remus frowned. What could be causing him such an issue? As far as he was aware, nothing had happened within the last week. It was possible that summer or the incident could have such an effect but he somehow doubted it. When Sirius finally turned his head, there was so much shame in his face.

"I snogged Marlene," he whispered. "I blackmailed her into it."

Remus's frown increased. "Why'd you do that?"

"Needed to feel something. Tried to do it without being destructive but I'm apparently incapable of that."

"What'd you blackmail her with?"

"Take a wild guess, Re. What's the one thing she'd never want getting out? You've met her father."

Remus crossed his arms. "You threatened to out her? Why the fuck would you think that was okay?"

Sirius stood up from where he was sat and paced the room. He looked guilty and shameful. He looked terrified. Remus tried to rein his emotions in. Him blowing up would not get the situation anywhere. The next time Sirius got close enough, Remus grabbed his wrist and pulled him to a stop.

"Did you have any intention of following through?" he asked, forcibly relaxing his expression.

Sirius shook his head. "Never. I'd never do that."

"Alright. So what's causing you such a distraction? You made a stupid choice. It's not the first time. Why's this such a big deal?"

Another head shake followed by pulling his arm away. Sirius headed towards the door, abandoning whatever homework he was doing. Remus flicked his wand at the door, locking it. If he was going to have a meltdown, he was not leaving the room to do so.

Sirius tried the door once as if to confirm that it had locked before sitting in front of it and hiding his face in his knees. Remus stood up and slowly walked over. The other boy was muttering a billion unintelligable sounds a second. It sounded something like a prayer only twisted and darker. Remus crossed his legs and sat in front of Sirius, waiting for him to calm down. He had no idea if that would happen, but he hoped it would. After ten minutes had passed with no sign of the strange behaviour stopping, Remus sighed.

"Pads, talk to me," he whispered. "Please."

Sirius shook his head. "I can't. It makes no sense. It's irrational."

"Maybe to you. Talk to me and maybe I can make sense of it. This, whatever you're doing, isn't going to make it any more logical."

A few minutes passed before Sirius slowly lifted his head. His eyes were shiny with unshed tears but he had a disbelieving look on his face.

"So you think you can make sense of my thought process? Alright, why do I feel like I cheated on you by snogging Marlene? We haven't been together for almost a year now, yet I feel like I betrayed you. Tell me how that can possibly make sense."

Remus was momentarily stunned into silence. There wasn't any logical reasoning to the thought process. However, it didn't mean there wasn't an emotional one. Sirius had never wanted to break up, but had gone along with it because of the incident. He reached out and placed his hand on Sirius's knee.

"Pads, you're right. Logically, that makes no sense, but can you honestly say that you ever felt broken up? I forced that to happen because of what you did. Perhaps you clung to the emotional attachment."

He scoffed. "Great. So I'm a clingy nutjob. Nice to know. I'll add it to my list of fuckups."

That evening, he was reading on the sofa in the common room with Sirius at the other end, pretending to sleep. If he was being honest with himself, he was barely paying attention to the book and couldn't have told anyone the plot if they asked. Marlene broke away from Lily and Mary to flop down beside Sirius.

"Can I ask you something, Sirius?" she asked.

"No," he replied, keeping his eyes shut, "I'm sleeping."

"Bollocks. I know what it looks like when you're faking. Can I ask something?"

Sighing, Sirius sat up slightly and looked at her. "What?"

Marlene glanced around and Remus, without missing a beat, lifted his wand and cast a muffling charm around the sofa. She looked at him for a moment before giving a weak smile and turning her attention back to Sirius.

"So, what's going on with you Sirius?"

Sirius looked defeated. "I guess I owe you an explanation."

He told her the whole story, brushing over the gory details of what his parents did with as little detail as possible, and Marlene looked progressively more uncomfortable. Remus set the book aside and watched Sirius talk. He had a dead look in his eye and was speaking as if telling a story rather than admitting his vile backstory. When he got to the sucide attempt, Marlene wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug that he barely reciprocated. Remus glanced around the room. Lily was frowning in their direction, but nobody else seemed bothered. When Sirius finished the story up to the point of snogging her, he looked exhausted. Putting up a front clearly took everything out of him.

"Sirius," Marlene whispered. "I'm so sorry."

He shrugged. "You didn't do anything. I'm sorry I blackmailed you. It wasn't fair."

"No it wasn't but you're clearly not thinking straight."

He smirked briefly. "I don't do anything straight."

Marlene shoved him lightly. "Tosser. You know what I meant."

"I know, Marlene. You left that one wide open though."

She sat back and rolled her eyes. "If there's anything I can do, just ask. Though for the love of Merlin, please don't ask me to snog you again. You're a great kisser but, well you know."

Sirius smiled sadly. "Yeah, that's not going to happen again. Trust me."

She got up and returned to Lily and Mary. Sirius closed his eyes for a few seconds before heading up to the dorm. Remus waited a few moments before following him up. 

When he entered the dorm, Sirius was stood beside his bed, tapping his head on the bedpost, hissing insults at himself.

"Padfoot," Remus called. "How are you feeling?"

The tapping stopped but he didn't turn around. "Please go away, Re. I can't-"

"What? Hurt yourself while I'm around? Damn fucking straight you can't."

Sirius turned and had the dead look in his eye. "No, Remus, I don't feel anything. That's the problem. I can't feel a fucking thing! I want to feel pain so that I actually know that I'm alive. Otherwise I may as well be a fucking ghost. People can hear me, can interact, but I feel like I'm fucking dead."

Remus crossed the room and stood very close to the animagus. Throwing caution into the wind, he cupped his face and leaned in, leaving almost no room between their faces.

"Find out if you're dead, Pads," he whispered. "Prove yourself wrong."

For several seconds, Remus thought he'd overstepped, but then Sirius closed the distance and kissed him. It quickly turned into a snogging session and they were both breathless when they pulled back. Remus rested his forehead on Sirius's.

"Next time you feel dead, find me," he said quietly.


	28. Chapter 28

# Chapter 28

## Sirius

Over the following weeks, he took up Remus's offer multiple times. He didn't feel quite the same as before and he had to not think about what he was doing with the werewolf too much or he felt incredibly guilty. The pressure still built up in his head, the calming potions still made thinking straight near impossible but he was under control. Mostly. There were still times when he almost craved the pain from before, but he didn't want to get the others in anymore trouble. They'd already suffered enough because of him.

One night in particular, he woke up feeling hollow. Despite Remus's arms being around him, he could barely feel them. He extricated himself and got dressed. He scrawled a note and charmed it to hover in the middle of the room, in case he wasn't back by the time any of them woke up. He didn't take the map or James's cloak. Instead, he just slipped out of the dorm then out of the castle. He walked along the grounds, barely noticing the sharp wind as it slapped his cheeks. He headed down towards the forbidden forest. He debated whether it was a smart idea for a moment but decided it didn't matter either way. He could always turn into Padfoot and leg it should anything try to get him. He walked as though he had a location in mind. Feral noises sounded either side of his head, but he couldn't arouse any kind of fear towards them. He heard hoofbeats on his left but hoped that, so long as he didn't pose a threat, the centaurs would leave him be.

"I fear you may be lost, Mr Black," a deep voice said behind him. "Either that or you've developed a death wish."

Sirius turned towards it. A young looking centaur raised an eyebrow at him, as if waiting for an answer despite not having asked a question. Sirius shrugged.

"Neither of those options. I just couldn't sleep," he replied. "The forest doesn't frighten me."

"Perhaps it should. There are beasts within it that wouldn't blink before devouring you."

"I'm aware. The acromantula hoarde are not on my viewing list tonight. Those aside, I can outrun practically anything else."

The centaur barked a laugh. "Somehow I doubt that. You appear to be in good physical condition but two legs can only go so fast."

Sirius shrugged before turning himself into Padfoot and sitting before the centaur, who looked almost amused.

"You are an animagus!" he said cheerily. "I suppose you are one of the three animals that runs with the wolf. It's curious. How long have you been one?"

Turning back, Sirius sighed. "Since fifth year, though we were looking into it since fourth. Our friend suffered by himself. We couldn't have that and werewolves don't aggress on animals in the same way. Pity I managed to cause him more pain than he ever caused himself."

The centaur frowned before lowering himself into the equivelant of a kneeling position. Sirius kept a few feet between them, just in case. He wasn't sure why he decided that talking to a centaur was a good idea. Perhaps it wasn't, but it would be rude to walk away mid-conversation.

"What could you have possibly done to harm the wolf?"

"It's not the wolf I harmed. It's my friend. I exposed his secret to an enemy of ours and almost got the enemy killed. He claims to have forgiven me but I don't see how he could. He shouldn't."

"It's not up to you whether you are forgiven, young wizard. When one wrongs another, they hold all the power to bear a grudge or allow the water to flow beneath the bridge. I'm sure you know this. Perhaps you are the one who has not forgiven yourself. You broke the trust of someone you hold dear, caused them pain, almost turned them into a murderer. You created a rift between you that it appears as though you cannot pass over, despite the wolf rebuilding the burnt bridge. If you do not forgive yourself, young wizard, I fear you may never be able to see the sunshine, even without a cloud in the sky."

Sirius couldn't help it. He stared at the centaur and couldn't think of a single word to say. Hoofbeats grew closer and a herd appeared, a grouchy looking centaur scowling in their direction.

"Firenze, leave the wizard be. He decided to be in the forest, it is his resposibility to exit it. Let's go!"

The centaur closest to him stood up, bowed his head slightly then ran towards his herd. All of the centaurs disappeared and Sirius was left alone in the forest. He shivered. Was he the reason he couldn't function? Could he just decide to be better and walk away? He shook his head. He didn't deserve Remus's forgiveness. He didn't deserve James's hospitality or Lily's kindness. He didn't deserve any of it. He did deserve to feel pain. He deserved to be punished for his actions. He wasn't a good person. He caused people problems when they very much didn't deserve it. He was a thorn in the side of his friends. They couldn't focus on anything but him when he was in the room because they'd taken it upon themselves to ensure he stayed alive. 

He emerged from the trees without really paying attention to it. His teeth were chattering, the cold having seeped its way deep into his bones, and he was grateful for the chill. At least he could feel something. Arms wrapped around him and he struggled against them. 

"Easy, Padfoot, it's me," Remus whispered, easily keeping him locked in a tight embrace.

Sirius buried his face in the werewolf's neck, relishing in the warmth of it. He didn't deserve it but he was acting on instinct, not logical thought.

"What the hell were you thinking, Pads? Not only going into the forbidden forest at night but also alone? Talk to me."

He shook his head. He didn't want to answer questions. He wanted to be selfish and steal the warmth from the boy who should hate him. It almost felt like an abnormal dream. Seemingly understanding his silence, Remus threw what could only have been the invisibility cloak over them and guided them back towards the castle. It should have been harder to walk backwards but he trusted Remus not to walk him into a wall and gave up all decision making for a while.

They got back to the common room and Remus sat him down on the sofa. He lit the fire before sitting beside him.

"Sirius, please explain why you went to the forbidden forest because the only conclusion I'm coming to isn't a good one."

He sighed. "I just went for a walk, Re. I wasn't trying to die. I spoke to a centaur. He thinks I'm not able to see the sun on a clear day because of myself. Because I can't get past my mistakes. He's not entirely wrong."

Remus blinked at him. "You _talked_ to a _centaur?_ What in Godric's name are you playing at Sirius? Centaurs cannot be trusted."

He felt mildly affronted. "Neither can werewolves. Neither can Black's. Neither can goblins. Nobody can be trusted, Remus. I would have thought you understood that. As I said, the centaur wasn't entirely wrong. I can't get past what I've done. I've hurt the people that mean the most to me more times than I've done right by them. I don't deserve to be forgiven or loved or be treated kindly. I'm an arsehole. I cause pain and problems wherever I go. I don't understand why I'm the only one who sees that. Are you all blind? Or are you so blinded by your loyalty that you can't see the problem?"

He stood up from the sofa and tried to walk away but Remus just dragged him back onto the sofa.

"Pads, we know you've fucked up. We know you've done stupid shit that you can't ever take back, but that doesn't meant that all the good you've done is cancelled out. It was your idea to become animagi. It was your idea to sneak into the kitchens and get me food on the days I couldn't get out of bed. You were the first to come to Lily's defence when Snape called her the muggleborn slur. You help Peter with transfigurations with more patience than I've ever seen from you. You've been James's confidant since first year. You still look after Marlene despite having broken up with her almost two years ago. We're not blind, Sirius. You are. You are under the assumption that you can decide whether people see the good in you. You've decided that you're all bad, but I have a spoiler alert for you. Nobody is all good. Nobody is all bad. People are _always_ a mixture of light and dark, Sirius."

On a night where Remus got detention, Peter was sick and James had quidditch, Sirius was left only with Lily to keep him company. He didn't mind. She was just too intuitive for his sake. She knew when his mind had drifted into danger territory and insisted on distracting him. As it were, she dragged him out of the library for a walk when he'd gone elsewhere mentally.

"There's no point trying to study if you're not with it," she said casually, looping her arm through his. 

"Surely you should still be studying," he replied. "You shouldn't let me interupt your education."

"Sirius, I'm doing fine. I'm above average in everything at the minimum. You on the other hand are starting to border on average. I know you can do better, but only if your head is in the right place when we study. Talk to me. Where's your mind wandered off to?"

He sighed. "Nowhere in particular. Actually, back to a conversation I had with Remus the other day."

"What was the conversation about, if you don't mind me asking?"

"How I've apparently decided that my mistakes erase the good I've done. The problem is, I can't actually remember the good I've supposedly done."

It was Lily's turn to sigh. "Of course you don't remember, Pads. When you're depressed, your mind loves to dredge up all the things that are wrong in your life, all the mistakes you've ever made and all the reasons why you shouldn't be allowed nice things. But I remember. Back in second year, Snape was being a tosser just after the summer. You found me crying in one of the hallways. Despite the fact that you were a brat back then and were in the middle of a prank, you stopped. You didn't leave me alone until you'd gotten me to laugh. You said something about Gryffindor unity. I never told you because, as I said, you were a brat back then, but you made me feel like I belonged at Hogwarts and especially to Gryffindor. It was after that, that I became friends with Marlene and Mary. I felt like a lion for once, rather than a housecat."

He pulled them to a stop and hugged her. He remembered the day she was talking about. They'd recently discovered the secret passageway to the slytherin common room and he'd just delivered timered dungbombs off to James. He'd told Lily every joke he knew, especially the dirty ones because of course those were hilarious to twelve-year-olds. He hadn't even questioned stopping. Hadn't realized it had meant so much to her.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"I should be thanking you, Pads," she replied.

* * *

## Remus

Things really weren't going well. He'd earnt a detention in charms for failing to produce the most recent essay, which wasn't too bad, except he hadn't made it to Flitwick's classroom. Two deatheater slytherins had cornered him, gagged him with a silencing spell and petrified him before levitating him into an empty classroom. From there they'd reversed the petrification after tying him up against the wall. They'd thrown hexes and jinxes in his direction, forcing him to the limit of what he could handle in terms of pain. When they'd moved onto curses, he'd screamed silently, desperate for someone to stop them. They hissed words at him about his blood status and their suspicions that he wasn't human. 

"Why don't we find out just how much pain you can take, halfblood?" one of them sneered.

The following actions seemed to move in slow motion. The slytherins raised their wands at the same time that Sirius sprinted into the classroom, stepping between him and them. Lily appeared in the doorway the same time Sirius was hit with the cruciatus curse. The animagus didn't scream but every inch of him tensed before dropping like a stone. Lily disarmed the slytherins before petrifying them both. She released Remus from his bindings- both the ropes and the gag spell- before bolting to get a teacher. Remus crouched beside Sirius, checking that he was still alive. He was bleeding from his mouth and Remus could only assume that he'd bitten his tongue. Lily returned with Flitwick in tow.

"Mr Lupin, please explain what happened," Flitwick said.

He shook his head. "He needs to go to the hospital wing but I can't carry him. Professor, please."

Remus didn't look up again. His fingers were pressed against Sirius's wrist, assuring him that the animagus was in fact alive. The older boy was barely breathing. His vision kept going blurry but he couldn't stop the tears. Sirius had stepped between him and the cruciatus curse. He'd risked his sanity to protect him. A hand settled on his shoulder and he flinched, a searing pain shooting down his arm.

"Remus," Madam Pomfrey said gently, "You need to step back so that I can take him to the infirmary. You need to come along too."

He nodded but couldn't get his body to move. He felt like every muscle in his body had turned to stone. He couldn't leave Sirius. Not even for a few seconds. 

"Moony," Lily whispered, very close to his ear, "You need to get up so that he can be treated. Who knows what that curse did to him this time around."

He forced his head to turn towards her. She wrapped her arm around his torso and pulled him to his feet. From there, Pomfrey levitated Sirius onto a stretcher and carried him out, patiently waiting for Remus to follow. Lily stayed with him, keeping him from keeling over. He felt sick and guilty and terrified. Had they lost Sirius completely?

Remus refused to be treated anywhere but beside Sirius. It turned out that several of the curses they'd thrown in his direction were bone breakers and he had multiple gashes along his arms. Lily stood behind him, keeping out of the way but offering her unconditional support. She informed the professors, and the headmaster, what she'd walked in on. Without even knowing what had been done to Remus, the two slytherins were going to be expelled for using Unforgiveables. Remus didn't care. Sirius wasn't conscious and, aside from healing his bitten tongue, Pomfrey couldn't do anything for him. A phrase Remus really wanted to forget because remembering just pissed him off. The school had done so little for Sirius the entire year. 

James rushed in after a while, still in his Quidditch uniform, and stared at Sirius's unconsious form with wide eyes.

"He... what happened exactly?" 

Lily moved around to hug him. "We were on a walk to clear his head. We saw Remus's bag abandoned in the hallway. Padfoot sniffed him out. We heard their warning and Sirius bolted inside. Took the hit that was meant for Remus."

James looked at him and flinched. "Are you alright, Moony?"

Remus didn't respond. Couldn't find the words without releasing his rage. It wasn't directed at James, or the professors or anyone but the slytherin bastards that had attacked him and Padfoot. A tremor rushed through him but he forced it back down. The wolf wanted to tear somebody's throat out.

When curfew approached, Pomfrey kicked James and Lily out but didn't even bother arguing with him. She even transfigured the chair he was on into an armchair, stating that he needed rest. He ignored that order. He couldn't rest until Sirius woke up. Couldn't think straight until Padfoot was able to protect himself. Couldn't believe that the animagus had been reckless enough to jump in front of an Unforgivable curse for him. He took Sirius's hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. 

"Please wake up Pads," he whispered. "I need you to wake up and be fine so that I can yell at you for being a moron."

Yelling was the last thing on his mind when, twenty-four hours later, Sirius's eyes fluttered open. They looked kind of glassy and unfocused but at least Sirius was conscious. He tried to find words but felt as though he was still gagged. 

"Couldn't let you suffer that," Sirius croaked, sounding exhausted despite his unconscious period. "Had to protect my Moony."

Tears flooded out of his eyes and Remus couldn't stop his own. He leaned forward and kissed Sirius gently, mentally swearing to never let the animagus out of his sights again. Sirius whimpered as what looked like muscle spasms shot through him. Remus stroked his cheek, unable to do much else. When the spasms ceased, Sirius was breathing heavily.

"Hold me," he choked. "Please, Moony."

Remus didn't wait to be asked twice. He stood up, flinching momentarily at the pain of a broken leg, and climbed into the animagus's hospital bed, holding him tightly as if he could protect him from the pain he was suffering with. He stroked Padfoot's hair and whispered soothing lullabyes into his ear. After a while, the animagus fell back to sleep, clinging to Remus's shirt.

He laid there, silently holding his former boyfriend, and cried. His own pain reared it's head and he gritted his teeth against crying out from it. He would not disturb Sirius's sleep. He'd tolerate it. There was no other option.

"And what will be happening to those other boys, Minerva?" Mrs Potter demanded. "I do hope they were taken away by aurors and sent to Azkaban. Performing Unforgiveables on fellow students! It's not okay."

"Yes, Effie, I agree it is absolutely revolting behaviour, however as neither boy was of age, they are unlikely to end up in jail," McGonagle replied. "Neither student will ever set foot inside Hogwarts again. That is the only assurance I can give you. Monty might have more to say when he leaves Dumbledore's office."

"Disgraceful behaviour. Oh, boys... what happened to Remus, if I might ask?"

"We don't know precisely as Mr Lupin was rather distressed but he had several broken bones and blatant signs of curse injuries. He hasn't left Sirius's side."

A hand settled on Remus's shoulder and he hissed, biting his tongue to suppress a shriek. Had he been given any pain potions at all? Had it simply worn off? Mrs Potter clicked her tongue and summoned Pomfrey, demanding to know when he'd been given pain relief. Mrs Potter appeared in his line of sight, an uncorked vial in hand. She offered it to him and he allowed her to pour it into his mouth, allowing him to keep hold of Sirius. 

"How are you love?" she asked.

He swallowed hard. "He was awake for a bit earlier. He can still speak coherant sentences."

Mrs Potter smiled. "That's wonderful news, dear, but I asked how you were. Sirius can tell me when he wakes up again how he is."

"I've had worse."

He couldn't think of anything else to say and tightened his hold on Sirius just slightly. The animagus responded by burying his head further into Remus's chest, curling up even smaller than before. He was vulnerable. Fragile. Remus looked up at Mrs Potter.

"You love him, don't you Remus?" she asked softly.

He simply nodded and she smiled.

"He loves you too, doesn't he?"

"He loves all of the marauders. He's very loyal and wouldn't have let any of us take the cruciatus curse if he could stop it."

He knew that wasn't what she meant, but it wasn't his place to tell her if Sirius loved him back. He wasn't out to anyone but the marauders, Marlene and Lily. Mrs Potter smiled, clearly aware that he wasn't about to tell her anything else on the matter and told him to sleep. She wouldn't leave until Sirius had woken up, so he was safe to do so. His body, having been awake for far too long, didn't hesitate to pass out at her assurance. She wasn't the kind of person to let her son get hurt in her presence.


	29. Chapter 29

# Chapter 29

## Sirius

He came to slowly. His nerves were still raw, having been scorched alive by a fire that never existed, but his head was clearer than it had been in a long time. He had saved Remus from experiencing that torture. He'd protected him from it because Moony suffered enough. Nobody deserved to be exposed to the Cruciatus curse but someone who had no choice but to become a wolf every full moon and was the one he loved most in the world, that wasn't tolerable. He'd protected his Moony- not that he had that claim to him anymore- because his Moony deserved to be protected from further cruelty.

His eyelids fluttered open to see Remus's chest inches away. He'd protected his Moony from the pain that can't be healed, even if he hadn't gotten there fast enough to stop whatever else had happened. He turned in the careful embrace to come face to face with Mrs Potter, quietly knitting at their bedside. He swallowed hard.

"How are you dear?" she asked softly.

"I've had worse," he replied, his voice croaky and thick from lack of use. "How long have I been out of it?"

"Coming up to fourty-eight hours. How are you actually feeling, Sirius? There's no need to be brave."

He smirked weakly. "It comes with the territory, Mrs Potter. Gryffindor tried and true."

She stopped knitting and raised an eyebrow at him. "Of course, however we have both met my son who, when sick or injured, ceases to hold any remnant of bravery. He seeks comfort and sympathy until he passes out."

Sirius nodded. James was a big baby when he was sick. They put up with it without too much complaint because when the roles were reversed, Prongs became a massive mother hen. Remus tightened his grip and Sirius pushed back against him, assuring the unconscious werewolf that he was going nowhere. Mrs Potter smiled at him. It was a knowing look and, Sirius following his own words, took a deep breath.

"I get the feeling you already know, but in the spirit of being brave, I should tell you. I'm gay, Mrs Potter. Remus and I dated last year up until- an incident occurred."

Mrs Potter smiled indulgently. "I got the impression you were still a couple. It certainly seems that way right now."

"It's complicated."

"I don't think it's all that complicated, Sirius. I think you're too afraid to admit-"

"It's my fault the incident happened, Mrs Potter. I'm the reason he broke up with me. He has every right to hate me."

"He clearly doesn't, Sirius. Otherwise he would not have been by your side all year. Wouldn't have stayed by your side the entire time you've been hospitalized. Do you still love him?" Sirius nodded. "Then that is all that matters. Do not dwell on the mistakes you've made Sirius. It does nobody any good. Simply do not repeat them and attempt not to make more. That is all anyone can do. In the end, we are all human and we all do things that should never have happened at least once. Now, rest up, and be sure to owl us when you're released. I must leave. Goodbye, Sirius."

"Goodbye Mrs Potter."

Sirius hadn't even realized he'd fallen back to sleep when barely audible shuffling woke him up. He opened his eyes and, without hesitating, erected a shield charm between him and his visitor. Regulus rolled his eyes at the reaction but didn't move. He kept his distance too. 

"What do you want Reggie?" Sirius hissed.

Regulus glared at him. "That's not my name and we have had this discussion on multiple occasions."

"What. Do. You. Want?"

"I came to see how you were. See if you'd..."

Sirius propped himself up on his elbow, the closest he could get to sitting up without moving out of Remus's arms. Regulus took a half step backwards and held his arms up, proving he was unarmed. Sirius glared at his brother.

"Why do you care? We're not family anymore."

Regulus looked outraged. "We will be brothers until death, Sirius. Mother casting you off a tapestry will never change the blood in our veins. It was you that left me, not the other way around."

"As you can see, I am fine. Still capable of breathing, speaki-"

The air caught in his throat. He couldn't breathe. His shield dropped but Regulus didn't approach. His eyes were wide. Sirius could see his mouth moving but he couldn't hear a word of it. His vision started to blur, then narrow. He still couldn't breathe. What was happening? Why was it happening? Fire burned through his veins, through his nerves. Scorched his bones to dust. He blinked hard, trying to stay awake. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to leave now. He'd just had his epiphany. He couldn't... he couldn't... hold on.

* * *

## Remus

"Remus wake the fuck up!" 

He recognized the voice but it made no sense. Neither did the panic in it. Purebloods didn't panic. 

"Remus Lupin my brother is _dying_!"

In an instant, he was wide awake. He sat up. Sirius wasn't breathing, his lips turning blue. He glanced up at Regulus who looked torn between keeping his distance and doing something to help. 

"Fetch Pomfrey!" Remus snapped.

As Regulus disappeared, he pressed his hand to Sirius's cheek, the other reaching down for his wrist. The pulse was erratic and weak. Panic threatened to take out his concentration but he didn't allow it to. He had to protect Sirius. Trying to focus, he channelled his magic into his hands, pleading with the invisible force to protect the one he loved. He felt the clash but couldn't make sense of what was happening. It felt as if a fire was competing with the wind, thrashing around trying to sustain itself. He pushed his magic harder but the scene didn't change. The wind was vicious, tormenting the flames but never snuffing them out. Remus felt the sweat break out on his skin. This wasn't how magic was supposed to react. Wasn't how it was supposed to be used either. He heard footsteps and warning to back away but he couldn't move. His magic was tethering him to Sirius, causing a battle that never should have been. 

A wand appeared in his line of sight and a faint green glow appeared around them. It looked like fire. Madam Pomfrey whispered an apology before everything went dark and a lightning bolt of pain rushed through him. He opened his eyes minutes or maybe hours later. Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen but Sirius was breathing and Regulus had resumed standing where he was before. The werewolf glared at the pureblood.

"What did you do to him?" he snarled.

"If I was responsible I wouldn't have helped him, fleabag," Regulus hissed. "According to the matron, Sirius's magic went haywire and started attacking him. You somehow got dragged into the assault. What were you doing?"

"Trying to help him."

"All you did was provide his magic with more ammunition. The Matron had to drain him for the time being. His magic will come back slowly over the next few days. I'd strongly recommend you warn him to steer clear of the older Slytherins. They don't take kindly to having their attempt thwarted."

"So you knew what was going to happen and you allowed it to anyway?"

"Unsurprisingly, no, I did not know what the older students in my house were planning. As it stands, the rumous have been flying ever since the two who attacked you were expelled. I came to check if my moron of a brother was still alive."

Remus looked at him with a scowl. "Since when do you care?"

"I will tell you the same thing I told him. It was not I who walked away. He should regain consciousness in a few hours. I must be off lest the knowledge that I was in here gets back to my mother."

"Coward."

"Not all of us can be, nor should we, be gryffindor."

Regulus walked away without a backwards glance and Remus was glad. The slytherin was just odd. Always had been. He acted how he was supposed to but seemingly without the intent behind it. He'd rarely been malicious. Remus shook his head. He couldn't allow himself to second guess the intentions of the younger snake. They were coming up to a war and Regulus would fall into the category of enemy, regardless of his intent. 

By the time that Sirius woke up, Remus was fully healed of all injuries and the others had stopped by to visit. Marlene and Lily were sitting in the transfigured armchair together while James and Peter were sitting on the floor playing muggle chess. Remus was glad for the presence of his friends, especially given that they'd have to inform Sirius of his temporary lack of magic. 

"Are the two of you back together, Remus?" Marlene asked, earning an elbow to the ribs from Lily.

Remus shrugged. He didn't actually have an answer for that. He and Sirius weren't exactly in the friend category (especially in terms of interpersonal behaviours) but they hadn't actually had a conversation defining it. He tucked a stray hair behind Sirius's ear. He hadn't looked away from the animagus at all. Sirius opened his eyes, causing their eyes to lock.

"Hey Pads," Remus whispered.

"What happened?" Sirius replied, his voice weak.

"Your magic started attacking you. I accidentally made it worse... Pomfrey had to drain the magic out of you. You'll get it back in a few days but..."

"For now I'm a squib."

"Pretty much, yeah."

James shot up from the floor, grabbing the edge of the bed to steady himself as he swayed. Sirius turned his head slightly and raised an eyebrow. 

"Padfoot, darling brother of mine," James began, "What the fuck were you thinking running into the line of fire of an Unforgivable? Were you trying to get yourself carted off to St. Mungo's?"

Sirius shook his head slightly. "Couldn't put Moony through that. I'm fine, Prongs. All better now."

"Because your magic is awol!"

"Because I saved Moony from suffering. My head isn't fuzzy anymore. Wasn't before either. I reversed the bad thing from last year."

Remus blinked at the revelation then felt a deep fury at it. Had Sirius deliberately put himself in harm's way to repent for the incident? He looked up at James who was silently fuming. Peter had stood up and was frowning in Sirius's direction. Lily sighed.

"We all know he's fucked up. Let's not do or say anything we might regret, shall we?" she said quietly.

He looked over at her. She looked completely calm aside from a pointed look in her eyes. She knew that Sirius couldn't undo what he'd done before and the realization that he might have hurt himself attempting to wasn't lost to her. Marlene looked mildly confused but agreed with Lily. James exhaled deeply.

"In that case," the bespeckled marauder said. "I shall leave you in Moony's capable hands. We can talk once you're allowed to leave."

Peter joined James in walking out of the hospital wing. Lily and Marlene stayed a little while longer but eventually left to have dinner, promising to bring them dessert. Sirius sat beside him in silence while Remus tried to wrangle his own thoughts and emotions. He wanted to yell at Sirius for taking the curse for him but was too grateful that the animagus wasn't completely lost to insanity. He couldn't help the spark of hope in his gut that Sirius was telling the truth about his head being clear. Remus was also trying to work out where they stood in terms of a relationship. In everything but a label, they were boyfriends. Could either of them handle being together officially? Would it be another secret?

Sirius took his hand and squeezed it.

"I know it was a stupid decision to make," he whispered. "I know I should have deflected the curse or at the least disarmed them, but all I could think was that I never wanted you to feel that pain. You deserved better than that. You suffer enough with your condition. They don't get to make that worse, even if it was just a temporary pain. You don't need any addition to it."

"Pads, you scared the shit out of me more than they did. I can handle pain. As you said, I've been dealing with it since I was three. Seeing you suffer... that's more than I can handle. It's more than I've ever been able to handle. When I got woken up by Regulus of all people informing me that you were dying... it hurt me on a spiritual level. Please never do that again."

Sirius lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles. "I won't make any promises, but I'll certainly try not to."

He rested his head on Remus's shoulder and they lapsed back into silence. They were comfortable with each other and the water was firmly under the bridge. They were going to be okay.

* * *

# Sirius

In the days that followed, Remus stuck to him like glue, though neither of them were complaining. With his lack of magic and the threat of slytherin retribution, neither of them were willing to take the risk. Their closeness didn't escape the notice of the other marauders either but aside from eye rolls, happy smiles and regular muttered "about times", none of them said anything against it. His grades started to increase again to the point where Lily was less than impressed when he beat her DADA essay score three times in a row. He simply smirked whenever she complained about it. She and James were spending more time together with him no longer being a concern and it made him happy. 

One night when James returned from his prefect rounds, he flung the door of the dorm open and everyone sat up from what they were doing. He looked as though he'd been struck by lightning.

"You okay there, Prongs?" he asked, glancing at Remus.

When the marauder didn't respond, Remus got off the bed and walked over to him, gently directing him to his bed. Sirius closed his textbook and looked closely at his best friend. Within a few seconds, he realized what was up and couldn't help but smirk.

"You got the girl then, Prongs," Sirius said.

Remus turned his head sharply. "How could you possibly think that?"

"He's not wrong," James replied. "She kissed me and we're going to Hogsmeade next week."


End file.
